Game Feature Posts:

The Weekly WTF: Hey, Remember When Michael Jordan Saved the World from Freaky Basketball-Zombie-Things?

As we know, if there’s one thing celebrities love, it’s hawking shit. The bottom of the barrel was thoroughly scraped by Hulk Hogan’s wanktastic commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios (you thought that Hulk Hogan doesn’t eat nuts and honey, and so did he, but then plot twist: once he tries them, he effing loves them), but there are all kinds of licensed horrors besides.

Such as Michael Jordan dicking about in SNES ‘classic’ Chaos in the Windy City.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Smash TV

Ah, Smash TV. You’re a guy of simple tastes, and you know what you like. Mass blood-leaky carnage, a general ridiculous shitstorm, all of that good stuff. This is a relic of a bygone gaming era, right here. Plots? Character development? Nuts to that, let’s just shoot and/or explodinate everyone’s face. Right off.

It’s the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie philosophy, and there’s nothing more man-tastic.

Anywho, yes. On to the point. And we do have one. Strap your ass in, here it comes now.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan: Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: Legend of Jackie Chan’ Has Too Much Effing Jackie Chan In It

Perhaps you’re an aficionado of all things Jackie Chan. You might live, breathe and crap Jackie Chan. His acrobatic badassery in movies, his questionable Chinese pop music career, his charity work... what’s not to like?

You might even say that you’re a big freaking Jackie Chan fan, man, if you’re the kind of guy who busts rhymes like Eminem with no effs given. But even you, hypothetical dude, can’t handle The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan: Jackie Chan in Fists of Fire: Legend of Jackie Chan. It’s just too much Jackie Chan.

This little doozy is an arcade fighting game from 1995. It’s a remade edition of the far-more-sensibly-named The Kung-Fu Master Jackie Chan, in which the main man himself wasn’t even playable. And who the balls wants that? Nobody, that’s who. So, after a scathing review or two (‘this shit needs more Jackie Chan in it,’ that sort of thing), this upgraded edition hit arcades. Good news, gentlemen: the game was now 300% more Chantastic.
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On the Game Boy’s (Belated) 25th Birthday, Let’s Celebrate the Craptacular Game Boy Camera

Last week, the illustrious and chunky-ass Game Boy turned 25. That’s a quarter of a century of handheld gaming dominance, right there. In that time, we’ve seen touchscreens, microphones, and some rather sexy default color schemes (purple? Why the eff not?). We’ve also seen competitors, ranging from the eight-seconds-of-battery-life Sega Game Gear to Sony’s rather spangly PSP and Vita.

Some manage to compete relatively well. Others hardly got a sniff of the handheld success pie. The Vita, as great as it is, is one of the latter. It’s a little like one of portly Brit monarch Henry VIII’s servants, sucking on a chicken bone the fat bastard discarded on the floor. Which isn’t, y’know, ideal.
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The Weekly WTF: Yep, The Mainliners Are Still Utterly Creepy-Ass

GAH! Grand Theft Auto may give us a rather romanticized, check-out-my-badass-car view of the criminal life, but this is the harsh reality right here. You’ll be abused in the pants area by ghastly mutants.

You may not be familiar with 2004's The Suffering, a slightly obscure psychological horror game from Midway. It’s the criminally underrated --see what we did there? It’s too damn early in the morning for that kind of wit-tastic-- tale of Torque. This angry dude has been incarcerated in a Maryland prison for the murder of his two children and ex-wife.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Resident Evil 2

Where do you go after Resident Evil? It was the game that gave birth to survival horror, freaky-ass mutant baby with six asses as it was. Capcom’s 1996 classic needed a great follow up. More monsters lurking in dingy corridors, more dogs suddenly careening through windows to make you foul yourself. More nonsensical freaking puzzles with cranks.

So, where do you go? The same damn place a couple months into the future, that’s where. It’s not exactly far-flung, but it’ll do. Hold on to your gonads, Resident Evil 2 is coming at you.
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The Weekly WTF: Resident Evil 4‘s Ashley, Gaming’s Biggest Pain in the Butt

As we all know damn well, women aren’t meek damsels in distress. They don’t cry for studly dudes to rescue them from the top of dodgy towers. There are no poisoned apples or wicked witches, because our fine ladyfolk don’t have time for any of that BS. Not in real life.

If Bowser attempted to kidnap Peach in reality, she’d mace him and/or kick him right in the big ol’ green mansack. Because women are utter badasses who will not and cannot be stopped. They could kick our asses, that’s for damn sure.

Which begs the question: why is Ashley so effing effingly effing useless?
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