Game Feature Posts:

The Weekly WTF: Y’Know, A Lot of Things in Video Games Look Like Wangs

Eat your heart out, The Sixth Sense. Seeing dead people is one thing, but seeing freaking dicks everywhere is a whole new kind of terrible affliction.

In this charmingly boner-based throwback to 2010, GamesRadar show their journalistic credentials. Their renegade, no effs given, riding-straight-into-the-mouth-of-hell-on-grandma’s-mobility-scooter philosophy. Their willingness to cover the vital issues of our time, which lesser bastards would steer clear of. Issues such as Things in games that look a bit like penises.

Now, the humble danglers have always had a slightly disturbing yet undeniable place in games. If there’s a customization option, you can bet that someone’s tried their darndest to make themselves a dick with it. PS4‘s spangly space shooter Resogun recently added a ship creator, and what happened there? A ream of flying space-gonads firing angry manjuice lasers, that’s what happened.

This presumably says something about society as a whole, but we won’t get all sciencetastic on your asses. Instead, let’s just appreciate the chutzpah this guy needed to have to announce to the Internet that ‘I've had a folder named 'Things in games that look a bit like penises' on my desktop for quite a while now.’ Check out the contents of said folder here, from Metal Gear Rex’s arm to a pig-dude’s hand that is the spitting image of a bellend.

How can you pass up an offer like that? You damn well can’t.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Professor Layton and the Curious Village

When you’re a badass renegade from the depths of Satan’s ass, you can do whatever you want. You can sass your elders. You can buy tickets just to sell them for twice the price on eBay, like the big ol’ bastard you are. And you can definitely classify 2007 as ‘retro.’

This was the year that fancy-ass Brit (top hat and everything) Professor Layton hit the DS. The first installment, Curious Village, was pretty freaking obscure, and a hard sell at first. A nerdly palaeontologist with a boner for brainteasers does not a video game hero make. Or so you’d think.
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The Weekly WTF: What the Hell is Up With Resident Evil 4’s Iron Maiden?

Resident Evil, as any fan will tell you, has had its share of hideous flesh-things from the depths of the devil’s ass. Man-sized acid-spitting locust freaks, a zombie elephant, that creepy turtle dude with its skin on back to front... they’ve all come out to play at some time or another. It’s not pretty.

The bar of creepy weirdery has been set pretty darn high. Nevertheless, there’s one beast that hurdles straight over it, with its rubbery balls akimbo and no effs given. Meet the Regenerator, and its spiky buddy the Iron Maiden.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Bomberman

What does multiplayer gaming really mean? In this spangly new world of Interwebs, cloned sheep and the return of sideburns (c’mon, fashion trends, we need this shit), it means online play. Whupping the ass of/being heckled by a rude little punk from Zimbabwe from the comfort of your couch.

Before that became a thing, as us old dudes remember, we had couch co-op. It still exists (mostly around Nintendo way, with Mario Kart, Smash Bros., Mario Party and such), but is really dying on its ass at this point. But let’s not cry manly tears of salty, salty sadness about that. Instead, let’s celebrate one of the ol’ champions of local multiplayer: Bomberman.
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The Weekly WTF: In Japan, You Can Lift Women’s Skirts… By Peeing

Don’t worry, it’s not as crazy-ass as it sounds. Well, if we’re being honest, it’s exactly as crazy-ass as it sounds. Buckle up, gentlemen, Toylets is coming.

Now, there are some things that just aren’t sexy. Not even Horny McHornson, the horniest horndog in Horntown, Hornville, could get his fap on right here. One of these things --except in George Michael’s case, natch-- is taking a pee in the men’s room. You know how it is. You’re all desperately averting your eyes, in case someone gets the impression you’re admiring their swing-a-majig, someone’s shat in the wastebin again, it’s all just not arousing at all.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: The Sims

As we all know, those stories of drunken debauchery are only amusing when they happened to someone else. Do you really want to tell your new beau of the time you punched your poodle in the face, shat on the carpet, slipped in it, and then sobbed in the fetal position on the floor for ten hours straight?

No, no you don’t. Why did you have an effing poodle? They’re not manly at all.
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The Weekly WTF: What the Hell is the Deal With The Legend of Zelda’s Tingle?

As we know, our friends in Japan aren’t averse to the ol’ pervtastic. The Land of the Rising Wang brings us panty vending machines and all kinds of questionable porn. Which is why Nintendo’s family-friendly focus is so amazing. When did you last see a Mario-themed hentai movie titled Princess Peach Gets Some Tentacles Violently Inserted in... Some Places? Never, that’s when.

Or maybe you have, we don’t know how seedy your Internet history is. But you can bet your balls that Nintendo weren’t involved in it.
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