Game Feature

The Weekly WTF: ‘Stalin vs Martians’ Does Exactly What it Says on the Tin

Yup. Stalin. Versus Martians. What the hell could go wrong with an awesome idea like that? Absolutely freaking everything, that’s what. Buckle up, gentlemen. This is a real slice of shite right here.

You know how it can be with celebrities. After their star has waned and their fifteen minutes of fame is over, nobody is assed any more. You’re like that depressed fat guy at Comic Con, the forgotten has-been from a sci-fi show that got cancelled in 1978. Who wants your autograph? No bastard does.

All that’s left for these guys is to appear in terrible celebrity reality shows. It’s a similar deal for history’s crazy dictators, who have to appear in ballache strategy games like this.

Stalin vs Martians is a parody of the familiar World War II RTS games. You know the sort of thing: tiny tanks and tinier dudes blow each others’ asses off in relentlessly brown landscapes with dramatic explosions-amundo. For this one, though, it’s all a little different.

Stalin vs Martians 2

Yep, this is just how Stalin vs Martians rolls.

Now, I’m no nerdly historian, but I’ve never heard of ol’ Joseph and his Soviets doing battle with martians. But hey, that’s the kind of interesting anecdote you miss when you don’t pay attention in class. The game’s official site sets the scene:
‘Year 1942. Summer. The martians suddenly land somewhere in Siberia and attack the glorious people of Holy Mother Russia. It is a hard time for USSR as you might know from the history books if you ever attended school. The situation is really f**ked up, so comrade Stalin takes the anti-ET military operation under his personal control. The operation is a top secret and virtually nobody knows about the fact of extraterrestial intervention.’

Those goddamn aliens. Was 1942 not enough of a shitstorm already?

Anywho, what follows is some of the most piss-takey gameplay you’ll ever see. The general unit-maneuvering battling and such is relatively conventional, in theory. But then the toontastic Monty Python-style slapstick comes in. As do Red Army tanks against that three-eyed alien dude from Toy Story. And the disco soundtrack, accompanied by Stalin getting his sixties groove on.

I don’t know why this is a thing. I don’t know why promo wallpapers exist depicting comrade Stalin looking at a map of the world, with the thought bubble caption ‘me so horny.’ But hey. Some things just are, and it’s fruitless to question them.

Images via Stalin vs Martians.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Bloody Roar

Yup. Bloody-mothereffing-Roar. This one originally went by the name Beastorizer, which probably tells you all you need to know about the kind of badassery that’s coming at your faces right now. Buckle up, gentlemen.

1997 was a good year for fighters. Tekken 3 arrived, and is still regarded by many as one of the biggest and best nad-punching games of all time. On top of that, it was also the year of… Bloody Roar. Because if there’s one thing Tekken was missing, it was the chance to turn into a werewolf and beat up a six-foot bunny guy.

You may also know it as Bloody Roar: Hyper Beast Duel. Whatever you want to call it, Hudson Soft’s brawler hit the PS1 that year, ported from the original chunky-ass arcade machine. Let’s take a look.

The Weekly WTF: Blob-based Weirdtastic With ‘A Boy and His Blob’

When I was a boy, what awesome, badass-exuding pet did I own? A fish. Named Archie. Now, Archie didn’t have poisonous fangs or laser eyes or anything else we wanted our pets to have as boys. He couldn’t kill on command (unless ordered to ‘kill’ those sad brown flakes that fish eat). Frankly, fish do shit all.

What a bum deal. While Eliot was flying through the motherfreaking air on a magical bike with E.T and phoning home, I had Archie. Leaving those long, weird trails of crap behind him and otherwise being a damn fish.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Castlevania

You don’t eff with Castlevania. This ol’ bastard has become a real gaming fixture. To date, there have been over forty entries in the series, and that’s pretty damn impressive. If I knew what fancy-ass words like ‘prolific’ meant, I’d be typing them in your face in Castlevania’s honor right now.

The franchise is approaching its thirtieth anniversary, and there’s only one way to celebrate that. With a heaping helping of snark and/or piss-takery, that’s how. So let’s party like it’s 1986 and look back at the very first Castlevania release. Which was called –just so our slow cousin Joe didn’t get confused– Castlevania.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Minority Report- Everybody Runs’ Sucks So Much That It Doesn’t Suck

Now, let’s be frank here: there are a lot of shitty movies and video games. When the two collide, there’s usually a black hole of pure shit-tacular, insatiable and unstoppable until it has eaten all the horrible crap in the cosmos. (Or, as you may know it, Superman 64.)

It’s easy to suck. Suck is all over the damn place. But only a select few are elevated to ‘so bad it’s good’ status. Minority Report: Everybody Runs is one of them. Buckle up, gentlemen. It’s going to be a bumpy, hilarious and completely demented ride.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: ‘The Legend of Zelda- Majora’s Mask’

In the early days of the 3DS, when scaremongering media dudes thought the 3D effect would melt our freaking eyeballs right off, Ocarina of Time 3D was a big deal. This was one of the biggest games ever made, portable and remastered and irresistible for many.

Its appearance in 2011 sparked a three-year session of Internet bitching, whining and petitioning for another game. For the nuttier N64 Zelda, Majora’s Mask, to be given the same treatment. If you’ve really got your shit together and know what’s been going on down Nintendo way, you’ll have heard the recent announcement: it’s happening. At effing last.

The Weekly WTF: ‘Deathsmiles’ and its Crazy-Ass Halloweentastic

If you’ve managed to briefly sober up in the last week or so, you’ll have noticed such trifles as the ‘days of the week’ and the ‘date.’ None of this BS matters much, but it does bear mentioning that Halloween has just passed.

And you know what Halloween means. Halloween specials, that’s what. Here’s one of our own, fashionably late. But hey, it works for reruns of The Simpsons. Those bastards show their Treehouse of Horror episodes in mid-July and ignore October 31 entirely. So hold on to your asses, here comes a Weekly WTF that’s creeptacular in more ways than one.