Game Feature Posts:

The Weekly WTF: Voldo of ‘Soul Calibur’ is Still the Ultimate Creeptastic

Fighting games do love their eccentric characters. We’ve seen skinny-ass Indian yoga dudes with extendable limbs, midget dinosaurs that attack with ass-gas and a boxing kangaroo. We’ve seen chest-tacular ladies jiggling around combat arenas wearing what appears to be dental floss, undead pirates with shit beards and hunchbacked old scientists.

Odd is not the word. What in the name of balls is closer, but that’s six words.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Minecraft’ Brings Us the Least Sexy Porn Show You’ll Ever See

Now, there’s a time and a place for the XXX raunchtastic in video games. In God of War III, Kratos paused in his dismemberment spree for a quick round of Hide the Angry Boner with Aphrodite. That was all fine and dandy and relevant and all of that BS. In The Sims, meanwhile, you’ve got to keep your progeny coming by... coming, as it were. This, too, makes perfect sense.

But Minecraft? Effing Minecraft? Prepare your libidos for what could well be the anti-sexy.

As we know, this is a harmless, blocky build-em-up. In Minecraft, your objective is to conjure up fantastical designs for ambitious buildings, then fail to be assed to continue halfway through. The half-done ruins remain behind, like a Roman Colosseum or an Egyptian pyramid of failure.

Minecraft Sex Mod 2

Can't say we've ever heard of the 'just stand directly on your partner's genitals' position before. Take THAT, Karma Sutra!

At no point during the above does your little miner dude decide to get his dick out. Which is where the crazy-ass modders of the world come in.

There are better candidates for this, true enough. Just about every other damn game in the cosmos, really. But then the Creepers do all look like huge green dicks and balls, which was surely inspiration enough. And, lo, the Nekkid/Sex Mod is a real thing that exists. Just for piss-takery purposes, you understand. We’d like to think that, pervtacular as the world is, nobody could be turned on by this.

It’s all about as sexy as the infamous Custer’s Revenge. Which is to say, not remotely, but there is a massive erection involved, so top marks for eagerness. All the mod seems to add is a similarly tiny and blocky ladyfriend for our hero, and a disregard for underpants. Not to mention the most hilarious awkward sex animation the world has ever witnessed.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: ‘Haunting’

If you’re unfortunate enough to be, y’know, not effing living any more, we have two things to say. Firstly, we salute your keyboard skills (typing when you’re non-corporeal has got to pose a challenge) and your great taste at cruising over to Egotastic! Second, this is not the way to haunt. Don’t try this at home, or any other poor bastard’s home. This is Being An Ass: The Game, right here.
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The Weekly WTF: Celebrities, Spankings and Prime Ministers in ‘I’m Sorry’

Y’know what Pac-Man needed? A little more S&M. A dash of Michael Jackson and Madonna being punched in the face. Most important of all, a quick dose of Kakuei Tanaka, Japanese Prime Minister in the early Seventies, being pervtastically whipped while wearing a diaper.

Well, fear not, fans of the weirdly weird-effing-weird. I’m Sorry brings us all of those things, and a few extra besides.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: F-Zero

It’s always amusing to see how the future was envisioned in the past. And by amusing, we mean effing depressing. If certain science fiction writers are to be believed, our teleports and hover boards and teleporting hover boards are way overdue.

As such, when you take a look at a video game from the Nineties bringing us racetastic set in the year 2560, you’ve got to be prepared for all kinds of crazy-ass. Step forward, F-Zero.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Cho Aniki’ is Another Little Slice of Homo-Erotic Crazitude

Video games used to be about fun. About a harmless, entertaining distraction. How things have changed. Today, our win ratios and K/Ds and such are highly prized, almost as though prospective employers will have any shits to give about your Call of Duty sniping proficiency.

“‘A kill streak of 45 one time’, you say? This is all highly impressive. We’ve a couple more candidates to see, but rest assured, you’ll be a fine addition to the ranks here at McDonalds.”
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Metroid Prime

We’re not going to get pernickety about the early 2000s qualifying as 'retro,’ are we? It was a long-ass time ago, after all. A simpler time, before our hairlines started to recede, before our wife changed the locks and stopped returning our calls, and before Justin effin’ Bieber achieved global pre-teen domination with his poptastic shit-tastic.

No. No we aren’t. Now that’s all cleared up, let’s party like it’s 2003 and feast our eyes, ears and butts on Metroid Prime.
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