Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Crazy Taxi

Now, you may think that taxi driving isn’t the craziest of professions. Sure, they’ll have the occasional drunken celebrity spilling all of their sordid sexy secrets (and flashing their undercrackers/lack of undercrackers when disembarking), but that’s not every day. How about Crazy Homicide Detective? Those guys see all kinds of shit.

Until that’s a thing that exists, this little slice of madcap arcade drive-ery will have to suffice. Buckle up, gentlemen, and we’ll take a look.
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The Weekly WTF: Just What in the Name of Balls was the Deal With ‘Seaman’?

The world was not ready for this.

Remember N64‘s Hey You, Pikachu? No, no you don’t, because it was shit. Suffice it to say that it featured a ball-achingly bad voice recognition system, via an add-on for the console. A peripheral which was compatible with only two games and sucked righteously. Still, it was a tentative step into a brave new era of microphone-enabled games.

It was either that, or Seaman. And Seaman is all kinds of effing crazy. Hold on to your butts, we’ve hooked some freaky fishtastic.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Advance Wars

If our buddies in Hollywood have taught us anything, it’s that warfare is a man-tastic business. In the movies, you can’t move for the rippling pectorals of Arnold Schwarzenegger or the testosterone-soaked bandana of Sly Stalone. Even Orlando Bloom got his Medieval manliness on for some good ol’ fashioned swordplay in Kingdom of Heaven.

But one place you wouldn’t expect to find steely balls of steely, steelish steel is Advance Wars. Look at it there, all toontastic and garishly colored and everything. But that’s just a facade for this utter hard-ass of a game. Before you know it, it’ll be the cutest thing that ever kicked your butt, since that girl in fourth grade (yes, she was big, she’d be held back, the sun was in your eyes, we know).
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The Weekly WTF: Perverts Blast Space Villains into Splattery Heaps of Brain-Meat in ‘Loaded’

Ah, Loaded. For many gamers (well, for... me, at any rate), this outrageous slice of goretastic was quite the rite of passage. Back in the mid-nineties, Ma would probably have unleashed her favorite ass-slappin’ slipper if she’d seen us playing anything so horrendous. We would gather around our PlayStations in a clandestine fashion, and bask in the weird, weirdly weird weirdness that was going down.

Loaded was released by Gremlin Interactive in 1995. It brings us the story of F.U.B (Fat Ugly Boy), a catering officer for the space marines of the distant future. Crazy-assily deciding to amputate and cook his own legs for the platoon one day, he is exiled, and forms a deranged band of space pirates to seek his revenge.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Final Fight

The golden age of gaming was ludicrously punchtastic. Everywhere you looked, there was punk/villain/monster/robot ass to kick. It was enough to make even Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sly Stallone scream shit to this, and choose to star only in wank Tom Hanks-flavored romantic comedies.

Y’know, Golden Axe, River City Ransom, Streets of Rage and all of that good stuff. If you weren’t scrolling from left to right and crushing angry dudes’ gonads into pudding as you went, you were gaming wrong. Today, we have another fine specimen of this: Final Fight.
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The Weekly WTF: Clinton’s Cat Beats up Nixon and George W. in ‘Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill’

Yes indeed. Feast your eyes, ears and balls on that headline.

If you aren’t proficient in useless presidential pet knowledge, here’s the deal. Socks was the name of Clinton’s cat, which the family owned from before his presidency until he left office (at which point it lived with his former secretary, because the Clintons’ dog was being an ass to it). But why are we giving any effs about our ol’ buddy Bill’s feline friend?

Because it once averted an imaginary nuclear disaster, that’s why.

Socks the Cat, for some crazy-ass reason, once starred in his own platform game. The premise of which, as neatorama reports, makes perfect sense:
“Socks... must get to the Oval Office to warn the president about a stolen nuclear bomb. To do that, he must defeat villains including Russian spies, the press corps, and former presidents Richard Nixon and George H.W. Bush.”
So, Metal Gear Solid with a freakin’ cat. So far, so awesome. We’re on board.

Socks the Cat 2

Screens of the game being so elusive and/or tedious, here's a cat. It's not Socks, and it's looking pretty pissed at not being REMOTELY as famous.

This weirdness was scheduled to hit the Genesis/Mega Drive and SNES in Fall 1993, but was cancelled just before its US release. This wasn’t due to its political satire, but because developer and publisher Kaneko died on its ass at the critical moment. And so most of us were denied Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill. And what lucky bastards we are.

From the shady ROMtastic footage that exists (below, for instance), we’re really not missing anything here. In theory, the plot sounds like the sort of thing that would have Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone shooting shit right up in your local movie theater. Y’know, cat aside. But then you play --or you don’t, because you can’t-- and it’s a fairly pedestrian toony platformer. What a kick in the ‘nads.

Still, credit where it’s due: you don’t see surprise put-these-dudes-in-order-of-when-they-became-president quizzes much in video games. Or cats being so proactive in times of nuclear crisis. Most are content to sit and lick their own balls, with no effs given to whatever disaster is rolling towards them. So there’s that.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Crash Bandicoot

Oh right, Crash Bandicoot! Whatever happened to that little ginger bastard? In his Nineties heyday, he was --kinda sorta-- the equal to Mario and Sonic and the other platforming superstars. He was taking dodgy pills in dodgy clubs, having sex with dodgy groupies, all those popular ‘famous dude’ pastimes.

Of late, though, his fortunes have waned. Increasingly craptacular releases have done little for the world’s bandicoot enthusiasm, and the last title in the series was back in 2010 (although there are rumors of a reboot, fueled simply by a silhouette seen in a recent PS4 commercial). But let’s not be cynical. Instead, we’re going to party like it’s 1996 and take a look at the original Crash Bandicoot.
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