Game Feature Posts:

The Weekly WTF: ‘Communist Mutants From Space’

In honor of our New Years resolution to be more piss-takey (it was either that or ‘call mom more often,’ and eff that; she’s been far too judgmental ever since she saw Professional Boob-Ogler in the 'Job’ box of our Facebook profile), feast your eyes, ears and asses on The Weekly WTF.

Here, we’ll be delving back into the annals of video games for the weirdest and wackiest specimens. Such as, for instance, Communist Mutants From Space.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Minesweeper

Yes indeed. Here it is. Hold on to your asses, steel yourselves and lock grandma in the basement, because effing Minesweeper is coming at your faces right now.

This strategic little puzzler has dwelt on PCs since time began, alongside other ancient Windows ballaches like SkiFree and that badass space pinball game. It’s an homage to a simpler time, when video games weren’t about shooting hordes of encroaching zombies in their moldy balls, or K/Ds, or liking on Facebook or retweeting or any of that BS. They were, presumably, only about landmines. And visuals so tedious they made you want to punch your own eyes in the face.
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Celebrate the Drunkiest Day of the Year With These Dubious Drinking Games… Or Don’t. Really, Really Don’t

Oh, January first. This is the day we awaken with a mouth as dry as a camel’s scrote, in a pool of our own half-digested and nutritionally-questionable party food, wondering whose house this is and where all our clothes have gone (your New Years experience may differ). With the kind of hangover that would incapacitate a Tyrannosaurus, we make a solemn pledge to Thor himself never to drink again.

But we’ve been here before, and he knows we’re BSing him.

So while that dense cloud of alcohol fumes still engulfs the planet, let’s really go nuts. Inspired by our nerdly friends at Kotaku, here are five gaming-centric video games which could quite probably kill you. Don’t try these mofos at home.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Smash Bros.

If Nintendo are known for anything, it’s their family friendly, happy funtimes leanings. When did you last see Mario go on a Grand Theft Auto V-style joyride through the Mushroom Kingdom, leaving Goomba blood smeared across the asphalt and flipping off the police as he goes? Never, that’s when. So a big ol’ ass-whupping simulator is probably beyond them. You’d think.

In 1999, though, Super Smash Bros. released on the N64. Here we learned that Link is totally not the charming little pixie gentleman we thought he was, and isn’t above punching Ganondorf in the manplums to claim good’s victory over evil. He also slept with Zelda and didn’t call her for weeks afterwards, rumor has it. But that’s another --completely fictitious-- story.
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Top Picks for Your Holiday Season Gaming Goodness: #1- Resogun

Ever since David wanged that stone into Goliath’s eyesocket and killed that massive bastard, killed him real good, we’ve all loved an underdog story. A team of elderly asthmatic dudes with personal hygiene issues from Honduras beating the world soccer champions? We’re all up in that shit. Sometimes, though, the victory of the underdog can be a vigorous kick in the man-plums.

As it is with the far-too-badass PlayStation 4 exclusive, Resogun. Is it uncool that the most critically acclaimed game on the system thus far is an obscure little slice of indie madness? Yes, yes it is. But in the midst of the game’s epilepsy-inducing crazyass lasery lightshows, you’ll have no ‘effs to give about such concerns.

Resogun is a deeply demented scrolling shoot 'em up from Housemarque. It’s the spiritual successor to their previous futuristic efforts, the Super Stardust series. Let’s take a look.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Mario Kart 64

Super Mario Kart, as we know, kicked all kinds of ass. We don’t need Ron Burgundy walking around that office with his massive erection, telling us that it was kind of a big deal. Unorthodox as it was, the game’s success sparked all manner of half-assed imitations. Everyone from Crash Bandicoot to the Crazy effing Frog had their own kart racer.

The question, then, was where did Mario Kart itself go from there? Four years after the first release, the horde of clones hadn’t yet arrived. With a spangly new Nintendo console doing the rounds, it was time to try to replicate that swear-inducing, blue-shell-up-your-ass-on-the-final-straight magic.

Let’s party like it’s 1996, and take another look at Mario Kart 64.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Pong

Holy balls, it’s Pong! This decrepit slice of shite from the seventies is the very last word in retro gaming. Buckle up, all, shield your eyes from its visual splendor, and let’s take a closer look at this craptastic relic.

Pong was released in 1972, one of the first chunky cabinet games to hit the world’s dismal, foul-smelling arcades. It’s a sports game (well, it’s vaguely recognizable as table tennis if you squint a bit/have eyes like Mr. Magoo) with a hugely convoluted, Da Vinci Code-esque asspain of a plot.
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