Game Feature

The Weekly WTF: ‘Conker’s Bad Fur Day’- Because Sometimes, Giant Living Turds Like to Sing Opera

Nintendo, what the balls happened here? You’re like the straight A student who falls off the wagon, drops out, and dedicates his new hobo life to drugs and hookers and taking drugs with hookers instead. We’re disappointed in you. You’re a bad, bad multinational corporation.

After all, if these guys are known for anything, it’s their family-friendly funtimes sensibilities. They live for that shit. Unlike the rest of the gaming world, they don’t bring us FPSs like Gunblastin’ Shoot-tastic Shooter VIII: This Time, It’s Shooty. From Nintendo, all we get are cutesy pink unicorns and rainbows sprouting from everyone’s assholes.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Hogs of War

Hogs of War is a brilliant amalgamation of three of our favorite things: crazy-ass Worms-esque cartoon violence, bacon, and shitty puns. You’re going to want to put your pants back on and pay attention for this one. This is great stuff, right here.

Have you ever wanted to play an odd kind of spin-off of Team 17‘s much beloved strategy game? One that starred homicidal, anthropomorphic pigs in a World War One setting? Which was also narrated by Rik Mayall, nutty Brit comedian of Bottom and The Young Ones fame? Damn right you have. This, gentlemen, is that game.

The Weekly WTF: Pink Camo and Shooting Soap Bubbles Just Doesn’t Scream ‘Predator’

There was such potential for Predator on the NES. The movie would make for great survival horror and/or balls-out shooter fare: cruising through the trees as Arnold Schwarzenegger, not havin’ time to bleed, shooting up guerrilla camps and having all the usual gung-ho manly funtimes.

That scene where everybody unleashes their entire stock of ammo into some freaking trees, bellowing furious war cries and alerting every opponent within a thousand mile radius to their position? That was the most masculine scene we have ever, or will ever, see. It brings tingling tears to our testes just thinking about it.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Theme Hospital

It’s a bitch, being a big-shot hospital dude. You get sued when your drunk plastic surgeon gives the guy with piles a boob job, you have to play golf all damn day with other fancy rich bastards, and you can’t even steal yourself some drugs for your dodgy cousin Merv.

Let’s not, for balls’ sake, ever make a video game out of it. Except, y’know, this one, which we’ll allow because it’s giving us something to prattle about for this week’s installment. Otherwise, we’d have to fill this page with news of our parakeet Mr. Featherington’s bowel movements or something, and who the eff wants that?

The Weekly WTF: ‘Mario Teaches Typing’

Mario, you poor bastard. As the poster boy of Nintendo’s cutesy, rainbows-shining-out-of-everyone’s-assholes gaming world, you’ve been subjected to all manner of horrors. Appearing in over 200 games, not to mention lunchboxes and tampons and McDonald’s patties of death… it’s a hard life.

There is nothing, nothing ever, that this guy hasn’t been pimped out for. Even –hold on to your balls– edutainment. Are you ready for the craptastic that is Mario Teaches Typing? Because it’s coming at your eyeballs right now.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Jet Grind Radio

Oh yes indeed. Hold on to your asses, gentlemen. It’s Jet Grind Radio.

Fans of useless fact-tacular will be shit-your-pants thrilled to hear that this was known as Jet Set Radio in other territories. The rest of us only need to know that it hit the Dreamcast in 2000, and has since become a kind of unofficial poster boy for the console. Fans of late nineties cool, this one’s for you.

The Weekly WTF- Who the Hell is the Merchant from ‘Resident Evil 4′?

In the words of fat-ass Brit-tacular hero Winston Churchill, ‘It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.’ What was he talking about? Just what the eff is going on with Resident Evil 4‘s Merchant, that’s what.

If you want to be pernickety, he was actually prattling about Russia or something; this being 1939 and, y’know, almost seventy years before the game existed. But that’s Churchill. He knew his shit. Have you seen him in those pictures, with his v sign and his manly cigars? You don’t eff with this guy.