You know the concept ‘so bad, it’s good?’ This is what makes Ed Wood’s ball-achingly bad Plan 9 From Outer Space a cult classic movie. Presumably, it’s also the reason that people keep buying freaking Bieber albums.
This does not apply to sexiness. Mrs. Popplecrump, my elderly math teacher with the bad wig and the skin complaint, does not suddenly become Katy Perry (your lady lust du jour may differ). As such, there’s no hope for Bachelor Party, the least sexy slice of sextastic you’ll ever, ever see.
What we have right here is another of Mystique’s half-assed porn games. It hit the Atari 2600 in 1982, and is probably the most balls-out crazy thing to come out of the eighties. And if you remember the era of shit hair and cell phones like freaking housebricks, you’ll know that’s saying something.
The premise is really all this thing has going for it. Breakout with a nekkid man as the ball, and nekkid ladies as the bricks? What could possibly go wrong? It’s got Swedish Erotica written across the box in big ol’ neon letters, after all, and that’s something we can all get on board with.
If you’re not familiar with Breakout in its original, scrote-free guise, it’s quite simple. It’s a bat and ball sort of puzzler, with you controlling a paddle at the bottom of the screen to keep the ball in play. The blocks are at the top, and wanging the ball at them to break them yields the scoretastic.
So, to sum up: Bachelor Party is pinball with wangs and woohoos . Well, horizontal pinball with wangs and woohoos.
How this became a thing, I can’t imagine, but it’s not unusual really. At one point, even the NES transformed an innocuous Tetris clone into Bubble Bath Babes, after all. It shouldn’t be at all surprising to be firing a nude dude boner-first into a room full of nekkid ladies.
Well, that’s apparently what’s happening here. What with the blurry-ass pixels and such, it’s difficult to tell. But hey, if you liked ol’ General George’s huge pixelly erection in Custer’s Revenge (which you damn well did, obviously), you’ll want to check this one out.