Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Metroid Prime

We’re not going to get pernickety about the early 2000s qualifying as 'retro,’ are we? It was a long-ass time ago, after all. A simpler time, before our hairlines started to recede, before our wife changed the locks and stopped returning our calls, and before Justin effin’ Bieber achieved global pre-teen domination with his poptastic shit-tastic.

No. No we aren’t. Now that’s all cleared up, let’s party like it’s 2003 and feast our eyes, ears and butts on Metroid Prime.
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The Weekly WTF: Kick Alien Ass, Have Diabetes- It’s ‘Captain Novolin’

What do you get when you combine an educational game with a sponsored game? Generally (if you’ll excuse our worldly cynicism) the phrase would be a double whammy of shit. Around here, only licensed games have a worse reputation for craptastic.

Or weirdery, in the case of Captain Novolin. Feast your eyes, ears and asses on the world’s only damn action adventure game about diabetes. Courtesy of Sculpted Software and the creators of the Novolin brand of insulin.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Defender

Now we’re effing talking. Just look at this sexy slice of Eighties game-ery.

At a time when 'monochrome and piss-poor looking’ was the order of arcade gaming, Defender strode in with its big ol’ steely balls of steely steel and said screw that. This bullet-tastic adventure brought us explodey spaceships in sixteen --count 'em-- glorious colors. What a time to be alive.
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The Weekly WTF: Experience More Jiggling Boobs Than You Can Handle in ‘Super Galdelic Hour’

It’s right there on the first page of Ogling for Dummies: these mystical ‘women’ creatures can be quite arousing. Y’know, with their skimpy swimwear and its failure to conceal their delightful fleshtastic and all. You know this, we know this, that pervy old dude at the back of the bus in the disturbingly bulgy cycling shorts definitely knows this (our eyes! They burn!).
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Missile Command

It’s pretty darn likely that humankind will eventually wipe themselves out. We do seem to love the whole guns, violence, polluting, developing-super-ass-whupper-weapons-in-secret-labs thing, after all. Science fiction is full of sentient robots calling us out on this; remember V.I.K.I bitching at Will Smith in I, Robot?

So there’s a grim thought to chew on on a Tuesday morning. While we’re... chewing, let’s take a look at Missile Command, reminding us of this sad fact in piss-poor blur-o-vision since 1980.
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The Weekly WTF: Try Not to Get Violated by Some Studly Dudes in ‘Muscle March’

Gentlemen, you know how it is. You’re in the gym, bothering nobody. Just squatting and thrusting and trying to leer through the keyhole of the womens’ locker room, like you’re in American Pie or something. Suddenly, out of no-damn-where, some bastard steals your protein powder, and you have to give chase across a series of bizarre cartoony environments. There’s also posing, polar bears, and far too many bulgy dudes in speedos.

Yes indeed. We’ve all --all-- been there. The situation is so common it was even made into a video game. Meet Muscle March.

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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Frogger

The golden era of chunky-ass arcade cabinets was a vicious time. It was all about tiny blurtastic spaceships blasting the balls off of tiny blurtastic aliens. And, y’know, Pac-Man. But when it came to toontastic cutesiness, it... well, it didn’t. Not until 1981, at any rate.
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