Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Defender

Now we’re effing talking. Just look at this sexy slice of Eighties game-ery.

At a time when 'monochrome and piss-poor looking’ was the order of arcade gaming, Defender strode in with its big ol’ steely balls of steely steel and said screw that. This bullet-tastic adventure brought us explodey spaceships in sixteen --count 'em-- glorious colors. What a time to be alive.
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The Weekly WTF: Experience More Jiggling Boobs Than You Can Handle in ‘Super Galdelic Hour’

It’s right there on the first page of Ogling for Dummies: these mystical ‘women’ creatures can be quite arousing. Y’know, with their skimpy swimwear and its failure to conceal their delightful fleshtastic and all. You know this, we know this, that pervy old dude at the back of the bus in the disturbingly bulgy cycling shorts definitely knows this (our eyes! They burn!).
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Missile Command

It’s pretty darn likely that humankind will eventually wipe themselves out. We do seem to love the whole guns, violence, polluting, developing-super-ass-whupper-weapons-in-secret-labs thing, after all. Science fiction is full of sentient robots calling us out on this; remember V.I.K.I bitching at Will Smith in I, Robot?

So there’s a grim thought to chew on on a Tuesday morning. While we’re... chewing, let’s take a look at Missile Command, reminding us of this sad fact in piss-poor blur-o-vision since 1980.
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The Weekly WTF: Try Not to Get Violated by Some Studly Dudes in ‘Muscle March’

Gentlemen, you know how it is. You’re in the gym, bothering nobody. Just squatting and thrusting and trying to leer through the keyhole of the womens’ locker room, like you’re in American Pie or something. Suddenly, out of no-damn-where, some bastard steals your protein powder, and you have to give chase across a series of bizarre cartoony environments. There’s also posing, polar bears, and far too many bulgy dudes in speedos.

Yes indeed. We’ve all --all-- been there. The situation is so common it was even made into a video game. Meet Muscle March.

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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Frogger

The golden era of chunky-ass arcade cabinets was a vicious time. It was all about tiny blurtastic spaceships blasting the balls off of tiny blurtastic aliens. And, y’know, Pac-Man. But when it came to toontastic cutesiness, it... well, it didn’t. Not until 1981, at any rate.
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The Weekly WTF: Help Your Drunk Buddy Shuffle Home in ‘Home Run’

We’ve all played this effer in real life: escorting a discombobulated (where I come from, we call it pissed up, but suck on that for a word for ‘drunk’) friend away from the local drinkatorium, rather the worse for wear.

In reality, this is just a way to get vomit all over your favorite pants, and an impromptu and unwelcome lapdance from said drunken friend. In Home Run, though, the same activity gives us literal minutes of clean-pantsed, mouse flailing fun.

This tiny slice of flash fantastic can be found right here, and it’s a great little timewaster to occupy those odd moments in the office. Y’know, the ones between the hours of 9 and 5, when you’re supposed to be ‘working’ or some BS like that.

Your objective is a simple one: direct a drunk guy down an alley that reeks of piss. Get him as far as you can before he collapses in an unfeeling, unknowing heap of embarrassment, shame and next-morning regret when he realizes that his underpants have gone and he’s married a hooker.

Home Run 2

Poor guy. Passed out on the chilly floor, surrounded by some rather aggressive-looking German signposts.

The simple controls manage to ape the drunken condition admirably well. The character’s movement is erratic and automatic, leaving you to move your mouse to keep him upright. It’s rather less personal than a friendly steadying arm around your shoulders, but works in much the same way. It’s a tightrope walker-y affair, with you balancing his left and right sides to keep him on his feet.

If you fail, naturally, your guy will instantly fall asleep against the cold, cold alley floor. Presumably oblivious and content until the next morning; when it’ll feel like the Grim Reaper himself has shat in his mouth. We’ve all been there.

Home Run was introduced to us by gameolosophy.

The Weekly WTF: Have an Anus-Pokin’ Good Time With ‘Boon-Ga Boon-Ga’

Frankly, it’s surprisingly how many Weekly WTFs have gone by without us taking the piss out of this little doozy.

First up, here’s a fun fact, and a charming little snippet from Wikipedia: Kancho is defined as ‘...a popular prank in Japan where the victim is poked with two fingers in the anus whilst distracted.’ Because that’s a thing. The Japanese, as we know, are the masters of pranks. Take a tip from them: next April Fool’s Day, don’t fake your death/an affair or anything crappy like that. Just shove your fingers in someone’s asshole.

Armed with that information, your next thought will only be why in holy balls hasn’t anyone made a video game of this phenomenon? Well, hold on, buddy boy, they have. It’s a full on pervtastic arcade machine, complete with plastic ass and groping finger. Gentlemen, meet Boon-Ga Boon-Ga.

Boon-Ga Boon-Ga

This shot would be a great caption contest.

This classy little slice of gametastic is brought to us by TaffSystem. You choose from among a series of cartoon characters, all of whom are deserving of this kind of butt violation (Ex-Girlfriend, Sex Criminal, Mother-in-Law, all kinds of unsavory souls like that), and get your kancho on. The chosen face will be displayed on screen, usually contorted in a rictus of ass-based shock, betrayal and mild pain.

Oh yes indeed. For your efforts, you’re awarded a fancy little printout which evaluates your ‘sexual behavior,’ and truly talented ass-foisters are given a trophy in the shape of a turd.

All of these are actual true things which are true.

Unsurprisingly, Boon-Ga Boon-Ga has never made it out of its native Japan. A sad loss, too, as it’s just the sort of thing the world’s arcades are crying out for. Oh, and since you asked, yes it did come first --pun intended-- in Machinima’s Top 10 Games To Fap To.