Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Paperboy

Tweeting birds, perfectly manicured fancy-ass lawns, a little dude on a bike throwing newspapers to homeowners... it’s the kind of idyllic suburban scene that gives you a warm feeling in your balls. Or something. What it isn’t, is a particularly interesting basis for a video game.

Nothing ever happens in such places that’s worth playing through. Can we expect a Professor Layton-esque mystery game, in which we must question slutty housewives to see who’s sleeping with whose husband? No, no we can’t. Instead, let’s party like it’s 1984 and take another look at the arcade classic Paperboy.

This toon-tastic little adventure hit arcades thirty years ago, and (the port) would become notable as the first NES game to be developed in the U.S. In a delightfully uber-violent gaming era, when spaceships were being destroyed en masse and aliens shot in the ass by the hundred, this was a real novelty.
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The Weekly WTF: Ladies, Pee Like a Man With ‘Super Pii Pii Brothers’

When the Wii was introduced in 2006, minds were blown and undercrackers were befouled. Its newfangled motion-sensing wizardry brought us so many fancy new ways to look utterly dickish. From our first foray into Wii Sports, we were up off our asses and flailing our limbs around in the name of video games.

From there, the functionality was shoehorned into all kinds of games just because. As was the case with the early years of the touchtastic DS. Buttons and analog control? Shit to that. What is this, 1990?
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Mario Kart- Double Dash!!

Here we are again, pushing the boundaries of just what the hell ‘retro’ actually means. When you’re a renegade no-effs-to-give badass like we are, you can do anything you damn well please. You can ride a flaming motorbike through a river of gasoline like Evel Knievel. You can pick your nose in public with impunity. And you can definitely pretend that the Gamecube’s early-2000s heyday counts as nostalgic.

2003, to be precise, saw the release of Mario Kart: Double Dash!!. It was the fourth installment in the series, and is still the most crazy-ass and controversial a decade later. Mario Kart is hardly known for paradigm-shifting revolution with every release (you know the old phrase, ‘If it isn’t broken... just give it a lick of paint and watch as everybody dashes out to buy it like their balls are on fire’), but here’s one franchise entry that dared to be different.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker’

Michael Jackson was, let’s be frank, all kinds of crazy-ass. If he wasn’t dangling his baby from a balcony for no fathomable reason, he was suddenly waking one morning as a white man. Nevertheless, equally undeniable is the fact that he could dance. And we mean the guy could effing dance.

So dance-ily dancetastic was his dancing, it once thwarted a fiendish drug dealer’s plans and rescued several kidnapped children. Oh yes indeed. Step forward, Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: GoldenEye 007

It’s effing GoldenEye. Nothing more needs to be said. Just so we aren’t accused of lazy-assery though, we’re going to continue this whole ‘typing words at your face’ thing for a little longer.

The very first lesson you’re taught in Gameology class is that GoldenEye is all of the awesome. This much-ballyhooed FPS is still many players’ favorite entry in the genre, almost two decades after its release. Whether it’s the ‘best’ is the kind of query that’ll send the Internet into a spiral of poorly-spelled tirades, death threats and general bitching, so we won’t go there, but still. Let’s take a look.
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The Weekly WTF: Earthworm Jim

Few video games exude quite as much crazy-ass as Earthworm Jim. This little slice of madness could sweat pure lunacy into bottles, to be used as a 'New Asylum Smell’ to attract prospective buyers when the local crazyhouse is up for sale.

Buckle up, gentlemen, we’re going in.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Gauntlet

In the mid-eighties, a time when cell phones and hairstyles alike were craptacularly huge, there was Gauntlet. Few games had the balls of steel needed to allow four simultaneous players on one big ol’ chunky arcade cabinet, but this mofo did.

It was still five years before both the foundation of the Internet and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, so we needed something to entertain our asses. A little fantasy beast-slaying fit the bill nicely. Let’s take a look.
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