Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Bomberman

What does multiplayer gaming really mean? In this spangly new world of Interwebs, cloned sheep and the return of sideburns (c’mon, fashion trends, we need this shit), it means online play. Whupping the ass of/being heckled by a rude little punk from Zimbabwe from the comfort of your couch.

Before that became a thing, as us old dudes remember, we had couch co-op. It still exists (mostly around Nintendo way, with Mario Kart, Smash Bros., Mario Party and such), but is really dying on its ass at this point. But let’s not cry manly tears of salty, salty sadness about that. Instead, let’s celebrate one of the ol’ champions of local multiplayer: Bomberman.
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The Weekly WTF: In Japan, You Can Lift Women’s Skirts… By Peeing

Don’t worry, it’s not as crazy-ass as it sounds. Well, if we’re being honest, it’s exactly as crazy-ass as it sounds. Buckle up, gentlemen, Toylets is coming.

Now, there are some things that just aren’t sexy. Not even Horny McHornson, the horniest horndog in Horntown, Hornville, could get his fap on right here. One of these things --except in George Michael’s case, natch-- is taking a pee in the men’s room. You know how it is. You’re all desperately averting your eyes, in case someone gets the impression you’re admiring their swing-a-majig, someone’s shat in the wastebin again, it’s all just not arousing at all.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: The Sims

As we all know, those stories of drunken debauchery are only amusing when they happened to someone else. Do you really want to tell your new beau of the time you punched your poodle in the face, shat on the carpet, slipped in it, and then sobbed in the fetal position on the floor for ten hours straight?

No, no you don’t. Why did you have an effing poodle? They’re not manly at all.
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The Weekly WTF: What the Hell is the Deal With The Legend of Zelda’s Tingle?

As we know, our friends in Japan aren’t averse to the ol’ pervtastic. The Land of the Rising Wang brings us panty vending machines and all kinds of questionable porn. Which is why Nintendo’s family-friendly focus is so amazing. When did you last see a Mario-themed hentai movie titled Princess Peach Gets Some Tentacles Violently Inserted in... Some Places? Never, that’s when.

Or maybe you have, we don’t know how seedy your Internet history is. But you can bet your balls that Nintendo weren’t involved in it.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Mortal Kombat

Hold on to your butts, gentlemen. Spines will snap, livers will be punched right in the damn liver and stray limbs will be used as chew toys for hellhounds. This is Mortal-effing-Kombat, right here. If you have a strong stomach and balls of steeliest, steely steel, join us as we party like it’s 1992 and take a look back at the first entry.

This goretastic brawler just announced its tenth main-series release, but nuts to that. Who has time for fancy-ass Xbox Ones and PS4s (whatever they are)? We sure don’t. Not for the next few paragraphs. Today’s story began in arcades over two decades ago.
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The Weekly WTF: Voldo of ‘Soul Calibur’ is Still the Ultimate Creeptastic

Fighting games do love their eccentric characters. We’ve seen skinny-ass Indian yoga dudes with extendable limbs, midget dinosaurs that attack with ass-gas and a boxing kangaroo. We’ve seen chest-tacular ladies jiggling around combat arenas wearing what appears to be dental floss, undead pirates with shit beards and hunchbacked old scientists.

Odd is not the word. What in the name of balls is closer, but that’s six words.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Minecraft’ Brings Us the Least Sexy Porn Show You’ll Ever See

Now, there’s a time and a place for the XXX raunchtastic in video games. In God of War III, Kratos paused in his dismemberment spree for a quick round of Hide the Angry Boner with Aphrodite. That was all fine and dandy and relevant and all of that BS. In The Sims, meanwhile, you’ve got to keep your progeny coming by... coming, as it were. This, too, makes perfect sense.

But Minecraft? Effing Minecraft? Prepare your libidos for what could well be the anti-sexy.

As we know, this is a harmless, blocky build-em-up. In Minecraft, your objective is to conjure up fantastical designs for ambitious buildings, then fail to be assed to continue halfway through. The half-done ruins remain behind, like a Roman Colosseum or an Egyptian pyramid of failure.

Minecraft Sex Mod 2

Can't say we've ever heard of the 'just stand directly on your partner's genitals' position before. Take THAT, Karma Sutra!

At no point during the above does your little miner dude decide to get his dick out. Which is where the crazy-ass modders of the world come in.

There are better candidates for this, true enough. Just about every other damn game in the cosmos, really. But then the Creepers do all look like huge green dicks and balls, which was surely inspiration enough. And, lo, the Nekkid/Sex Mod is a real thing that exists. Just for piss-takery purposes, you understand. We’d like to think that, pervtacular as the world is, nobody could be turned on by this.

It’s all about as sexy as the infamous Custer’s Revenge. Which is to say, not remotely, but there is a massive erection involved, so top marks for eagerness. All the mod seems to add is a similarly tiny and blocky ladyfriend for our hero, and a disregard for underpants. Not to mention the most hilarious awkward sex animation the world has ever witnessed.