Game Feature Posts:

The Weekly WTF: ‘Ute’- Sex Has Never Been Less… Sexy

Everybody remembers that day, back in their youth. The day that our venerable and wise old grandma turned to us with a denture-y smile and said:
“My dear, sleep with every man you can get. To get more points, try to move in the right speed when you have sex. But don’t get caught! When you see another man coming closer, you have to hurry! Good luck!”

It’s an utterly pervtastic rite of passage we all go through. Of course it is. Ute seems to think this kind of crap is normal, at any rate.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Resident Evil (REmake)

The original 1996 installment was, is, and ever shall be a classic. Its influence, its legacy, its hilariously, ballachingly bad voice-acting... it really is something special. And you know what that means: you can’t remake or otherwise mess with the game without unleashing a nerdly Internet shitstorm.

Many a flaming bag of crap has been left on a developer’s doorstep for just this reason. In 2002, though, a miracle occurred. A remade version of the original (pun-tastically dubbed ‘REmake’ by fans) surfaced, and was swiftly declared the definitive version of the game. Let’s take a look.
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The Weekly WTF: ‘LSD- Dream Emulator’

LSD: Dream Emulator could almost --damn well almost-- qualify as a educational social tool. Parents who grew up on the mean, dodgy streets, and who have now become fancy-ass lawyers or something, don’t want their children to repeat their mistakes. How do they persuade their urchins that drugs are the Devil, right from the off? By showing them freakin’ Dream Emulator, that’s how.

“Take a look, Little Jimmy/Little Susan/Whatever. You see this crazy shit, right here? That face on legs, and the eyeballs in the walls? This is what drugs will do to you. So keep the ‘eff away, you hear me?”
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Smash Bros Melee

When you’re a renegade badass with no effs to give, ‘retro’ can mean whatever you damn well please. In this case, it means 2001. This was the year that the world gazed in wonderment at Wikipedia and the iPod (whatever that is), as they were revealed for the first time. Which certainly sounds far enough back to us.

Most pertinently, though, it was the year of Super Smash Bros. Melee.
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The Weekly WTF: Zombie Nation

The more decrepit of us can remember a time when zombies were cool. When these rotting bastards would get their groove on alongside Michael Jackson in music videos, and were still frightening and a little badass in movies. Today, though, we’ve been saturated with survival horror and zombie shooters and their ilk. The impact of the undead has been mitigated dramatically.

Don’t worry though, gentlemen. Here’s a little homage to Zombie Nation, a slice of 1990‘s crazy-ass that reminds us of a simpler time. A time when our festering friends could destroy buildings by rapid-firing eyeballs and/or vomiting on them.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Dino Crisis

You can imagine the scene in that Capcom boardroom in the late nineties. Amid a sea of sensible ‘professional’ haircuts and fancy-ass business suits, one dude leaps out of his chair and shrieks:
“How about... Resident Evil crossed with Jurassic Park!?”
Everybody hollers, applauds and daydreams about whipping their pants off and rolling in the huge piles of money this is going to make them. In their undercrackers, apparently.

And, lo, Dino Crisis was born. After all, what the hell else would you name a crisis involving dinosaurs?
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The Weekly WTF: Deliver Burgers Like Solid Snake With ‘Sneak King’

Have you ever wondered how Metal Gear Solid would be with a few minor adjustments? We could probably dispense with all that convoluted nuclear conspiracy BS, after all. Less of the half hour codex prattle about eff all, and more stealthy burger deliveries. That’s surely the way forward for the franchise.

This very notion inspired the brilliantly crazy-ass Sneak King. Except it didn’t, but let’s not get pernickety.
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