Game Feature Posts:

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Nekkidness, Photography and Crazy, Crazy Dancing

By Chris Littlechild | April 19, 2013 @ 9:35 am

Sure, that sounds like just another weekend of alcoholic funtimes, but before that, it marks business as usual for the Whacked Out Week.

In this installment, heed the odd tale of the life drawing student and his finest creation: perhaps one of gaming’s largest ensemble casts, with nary a pair of undercrackers between them. Do you want to see Princess Peach’s peaches? Donkey Kong’s wonky dong? Link’s... length? Up the exhaust port of Samus’s gunship? No, no you don’t. But you -kinda- can, right here.

Elsewhere, pixel-tastic retro games invade real-world photographs and Japanese gentlemen dance like that eternally humiliating incident with Uncle Bert at your wedding (although this guy, at least, remembered to put his dick away on leaving the toilets).
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Meet Black Mask and Deathstroke, the First of the Villains in Line for Punchy Bat-Justice in Batman: Arkham Origins

By Chris Littlechild | April 18, 2013 @ 9:30 am

If only there'd been some subtle visual clue that this guy was bad!

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As we saw last week, the prequel to the much-ballyhooed Arkham games has been announced (refresh your memory glands with our previous coverage right here if you missed it). This is a title of the sort of caliber that can garner ‘Game of the Year 2013’ nominations before even a piss-poor trailer comprising about three nanoseconds of gameplay footage amid copious PR bullshittery from the developers is released. It’s an exciting prospect indeed. If you’re a fan of the previous installments (which you damn well should be. We’ll refuse to indulge in friendly-yet-awkward, averting-eyes-from-your-neighbor’s-wang adjacent urinal small talk with you in public toilets if you aren’t), you know this.

But what you may not know is just who the hell some of these guys are. Bruce Wayne in his vaguely camp Halloween/fetish-y pervtastic get-up is instantly familiar, of course, as is the Joker, Catwoman and so forth, but it becomes a little more obscure after that. For those of us without the comic book expertise of the guys of The Big Bang Theory, hit the gallery to meet Deathstroke and Black Mask, the first of Batman: Arkham Origins’s announced aggressors.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Space Invaders

By Chris Littlechild | April 17, 2013 @ 9:10 am

Huzzah! Alongside the lofty likes of Tetris, Asteroids and such, this is retro gaming. Space Invaders, which surfaced way, way back in the cloying sands of time (1978), was enjoyed/sprayed by errant beer-droplets in drinking establishments/sworn at upon game over screen by so many of us. Those endearing, iconic and harshly-angular ‘invader’ designs -screw you, Thing-That-Looks-a-Little-Like-an-Octopus, That Other Thing and... That Other Other Thing! Screw you always!- are now an intrinsic part of popular culture. But why? WHY?

As the developer himself was (not) heard to proclaim, “A plot? An actual goddamn reason for shooting the shit out of E.T the Extraterrestrial’s extended family? Who has time for that? Nuts to it.” Essentially, then, we have nary an inkling as to who’s invading/why they’re invading. A later iteration featured a minigame in which a elderly criminal psychologist with a shit-tacular beard rambles for six hours about the roots of their invasion-centric tendencies, but it was not particularly well-received. Or, y’know, real.
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Legendary Nintendo Voice-Man Charles Martinet And Sexy Super Mario Cosplay? It Must Be World Voice Day! Which, Apparently, It Is

By Chris Littlechild | April 16, 2013 @ 9:30 am

Yes indeed. Because you demand to know more about craptastic and obscure events on the calendar (Hey there, last week’s Draw a Bird Day!) that no bastard has ever heard of, here’s another: April 16 is World Voice Day.

You are thrilled by this news. Show us your ‘thrilled’ faces. (That looks more like constipation, but it’ll have to suffice. We’re in a hurry, and getting hazardously close to the actual central point of this article. Strap yourselves in, guys).
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When TV Shows and Video Games Collide: The Walking Dead

By Chris Littlechild | April 15, 2013 @ 10:05 am

As the dudely dudes of Egotastic! surely know, those damn zombies are continuing their marauding invasion of popular culture. Their appearances in every damn media in the cosmos have made them an integral part of 2013 society (remember that guy a few months ago who ate somebody’s face? Without his pants on?), alongside such asspains as spam emails offering viagra and/or affordable dick-enlargement surgery and Justin effin’ Bieber.

But we’ll forgive these festering bastards and their increasingly tedious and clichéd nature, because they also brought us the wonderment of compelling, blood-leaking-all-over-the-kitchen-linoleum TV drama The Walking Dead.
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Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: When Skimpily-Dressed Women, Porntastic Video Games and… Taxes Collide

By Chris Littlechild | April 12, 2013 @ 8:40 am

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How often do you see a demented headline of that caliber? Never, that’s how often. Unless, naturellement, you’re familiar with the peculiar antics of the Whacked Out Week. In which case, this business is about as pedestrian as riding a gingerbread giraffe to work every day, bareback and bare-assed with with your wang waving in the wind as nature intended (we certainly wouldn’t start our mornings any other way).

In this installment, then, we bring you hilariously woeful Eighties porno games (in Danchiduma no Yuuwaku, or ‘Seduction of the Residential Complex Wives,’ you must plead for sex as a door-to-door condom salesman) and China’s certainly not even slightly prostitute-esque ‘video game companions.’ If that isn’t a sufficient volley from both barrels of crazy -which it is- there’s also the wonderment of a Space Invaders flash game in which you’re tasked with shooting at big bastard corporations that don’t pay their damn taxes.

Take a look above, and be enlightened.

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Tomb Raider

By Chris Littlechild | April 11, 2013 @ 9:00 am

Image source: wallsoc.

Yes indeed. Everyone with actual goddamn functioning eyeballs is familiar with Lara Croft. Gaming’s first lady, the buxom Brit brunette has permeated popular culture like irritating magi-prick Harry Potter and whining pop crooner from the depths of Satan’s sweaty ass Justin Bieber. This can partly be attributed to her vast ‘talents,’ (in the Nineties, after all, the internet wasn’t the porn-dispensing candy machine it would become -that's 'candy machine’ in a we’re out of Milk Duds, have a MASSIVE ERECTION instead sort of way- so her heaving chesticles were about as close as we could get to digital naughtiness) but the dizzying scope and influential nature of the games can’t be discounted either.

1996‘s first venture, Tomb Raider, introduced us to Miss Croft, presumably the only remotely attractive female archaeologist to ever live/be less than a hundred years old. The premise was that she received a transmission from the owner of Natla Technologies, asking her to retrieve a lost artifact from an obscure ancient tomb in Peru. What with all the prequel-ing, sequel-ing and other shenanigans that have ensued since, this was probably not the event that led to a scandalous life of kleptomaniac crime. It’s safe to venture that the dastardly aristocrat had been surreptitiously emerging from grocery stores with frozen foodstuffs concealed in her armpits/pockets/undercarriage for several years by this point.