Game Feature Posts:

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Theme Hospital

It’s a bitch, being a big-shot hospital dude. You get sued when your drunk plastic surgeon gives the guy with piles a boob job, you have to play golf all damn day with other fancy rich bastards, and you can’t even steal yourself some drugs for your dodgy cousin Merv.

Let’s not, for balls’ sake, ever make a video game out of it. Except, y’know, this one, which we’ll allow because it’s giving us something to prattle about for this week’s installment. Otherwise, we’d have to fill this page with news of our parakeet Mr. Featherington’s bowel movements or something, and who the eff wants that?
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The Weekly WTF: ‘Mario Teaches Typing’

Mario, you poor bastard. As the poster boy of Nintendo's cutesy, rainbows-shining-out-of-everyone's-assholes gaming world, you've been subjected to all manner of horrors. Appearing in over 200 games, not to mention lunchboxes and tampons and McDonald's patties of death... it's a hard life.

There is nothing, nothing ever, that this guy hasn't been pimped out for. Even --hold on to your balls-- edutainment. Are you ready for the craptastic that is Mario Teaches Typing? Because it's coming at your eyeballs right now.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Jet Grind Radio

Oh yes indeed. Hold on to your asses, gentlemen. It’s Jet Grind Radio.

Fans of useless fact-tacular will be shit-your-pants thrilled to hear that this was known as Jet Set Radio in other territories. The rest of us only need to know that it hit the Dreamcast in 2000, and has since become a kind of unofficial poster boy for the console. Fans of late nineties cool, this one’s for you.
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The Weekly WTF- Who the Hell is the Merchant from ‘Resident Evil 4′?

In the words of fat-ass Brit-tacular hero Winston Churchill, ‘It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.’ What was he talking about? Just what the eff is going on with Resident Evil 4's Merchant, that’s what.

If you want to be pernickety, he was actually prattling about Russia or something; this being 1939 and, y’know, almost seventy years before the game existed. But that’s Churchill. He knew his shit. Have you seen him in those pictures, with his v sign and his manly cigars? You don’t eff with this guy.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Dungeon Keeper 2

Previously in this series, we ogled the cult classic PC title Dungeon Keeper. If you missed that, you’d better get your ass in gear and click those magical red words of link-y fun and goodtimes. Because today, we’re partying like it’s 1999 and bringing you the sequel.

Yes indeed, the devious bastardry of Dungeon Keeper could not be contained in a single game. It was a magic formula that tapped into the ‘let’s be assholes’ impulse we all have in our subconsious. Y’know, the one that makes us steal skinny-dippers’ clothes from the side of the pool. That cheeky bastard.
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The Weekly WTF: Hey, Remember When Michael Jordan Saved the World from Freaky Basketball-Zombie-Things?

As we know, if there’s one thing celebrities love, it’s hawking shit. The bottom of the barrel was thoroughly scraped by Hulk Hogan’s wanktastic commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios (you thought that Hulk Hogan doesn’t eat nuts and honey, and so did he, but then plot twist: once he tries them, he effing loves them), but there are all kinds of licensed horrors besides.

Such as Michael Jordan dicking about in SNES ‘classic’ Chaos in the Windy City.
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Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Smash TV

Ah, Smash TV. You’re a guy of simple tastes, and you know what you like. Mass blood-leaky carnage, a general ridiculous shitstorm, all of that good stuff. This is a relic of a bygone gaming era, right here. Plots? Character development? Nuts to that, let’s just shoot and/or explodinate everyone’s face. Right off.

It’s the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie philosophy, and there’s nothing more man-tastic.

Anywho, yes. On to the point. And we do have one. Strap your ass in, here it comes now.
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