Fifty Shades of Grey

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Star Says Film Won’t Have Any of Those Graphic Sex Scenes Everybody Hates

Good to know

Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters on Valentine’s Day 2015, which means hundreds of thousands of men across America are going to have to go see it with their wives and girlfriends.

This should have been a good thing. Most men have zero interest in reading the original E.L. James novel, but the thing is pure erotica with nonstop talk about erections and bondage and whatnot, and a great many women love it. So worst case scenario? The movie is boring as hell but features a few wild sex scenes and hundreds of thousands of couples have hot sex later than night. Everybody wins.

Unfortunately, it’s all ruined now. According to Jamie Dornan, who plays the titular Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey will feature tame sex scenes and no full frontal male nudity so as to appeal to “as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out.”

Because yeah, the last thing the millions of women who loved the novel want is to see is the graphic sex scenes acted out on a giant screen by real-life hot people.

Good call, guys. I’m sure the ladies are going to love your “restrained” sex scenes.

[The Guardian via THR]

It Took Five Days for the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trailer to Become the Most-Watched of 2014

Soccer Moms love softcore porn

If you make it, they will come.

By “it” I mean a softcore porn movie about BDSM. By “they” I mean soccer moms. And by “come” I mean come…to YouTube…to watch the trailer.

(See what I did there? I used a Field of Dreams quote to make a sex pun. Somebody give this guy a raise!)

Anyway, as you probably learned from the headline, the first trailer for the hotly anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey is already the most-watched trailer of 2014. Released just five days ago, it’s got a whopping 36.4 million views on YouTube, according to THR. That easily beats the 31 million views racked up by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer since March, as well as the 26.3 million racked up by Godzilla and Transformers and the 23.5 million racked up by Dumb and Dumber Too.

Does this mean Fifty Shades of Grey will beat all those other films at the box office? Yeah right. Soccer mom jokes aside, you know at least half of this trailer’s came from horny young men who were just hoping to see some partial nudity. But I’m sure it still be a box office success.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan and hits theaters February 14, 2015.

Well, We Might as Well Watch the Trailer for ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Right?

fifty shades of grey trailer
I think she's doing that hot yoga everyone is talking about

Despite what Charlie Hunnam had to say earlier this week about Fifty Shades of Grey (which he’s not even in) not being mommy porn, you know and I know that it most definitely is mommy porn. And that’s okay, because—NEWSFLASH!—sex is awesome. Ergo, all books about sex—even books written exclusively for women that have characters named Anastasia Steele—are also awesome.

Now, does that mean the Fifty Shades of Grey movie will be awesome, too? Absolutely not. But the first trailer, which for some reason made its debut on the Today show this morning, doesn’t look half bad. There’s a little smooching, a little under-the-table fondling, a little blindfolding, a little horse cropping, a little stripping, a little handcuffing and, yes, even a little writhing.

In short, there are worse things you could do with the next two and a half minutes of your life. So have a look and then set an alarm on your phone to remind you to get tickets in advance. The movie hits theaters on Valentines Day 2015 (there’s a shock), and whoever you’re taking out that night is going to want to see it.

Dakota Johnson Will Star in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, So You Might Actually See It Now

Spanking Goes Mainstream? Yes, Please.

I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath for Hollywood to make its Fifty Shades of Grey casting decisions. You probably hadn’t been able to eat or sleep until they announced that Charlie Hunnam will be playing the rich guy who spanks that college girl, right? Well now we know who will play the soon-to-be world’s most famous spankee, Anastaisa Steele. Are you ready? Can you handle it? It’s going to be Dakota Johnson. Boom.

Read more… »

Will the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Movie Join the Ten Highest Grossing NC-17 Films of All Time

Kelly Marcel, the 38-year-old British screenwriter who is in charge of adapting Fifty Shades of Grey into a script, claims that the movie (or at least her version on the page) will be rated NC-17, with all the S&M all the lonely women who read the book once they finished writing their Twilight erotic fan fiction are hoping for. Now, that’s what she’s saying, but wish in one hand, take a dump in the other and see what fills up first. Because even a movie like Boogie Nights, about the hardcore porn industry, started out as NC-17 and was quickly turned into an R-rated movie by the studio. NC-17 is generally the mark of the death for a movie’s box office performance and popular book franchise or not, it seems like a huge risk and gamble to aim for that as the film’s rating.

Not that parents will typically be bringing their children into a movie about BDSM. But if anyone under 17 can’t buy a ticket, even with adult supervision, it means a large fanbase of creepy college-aged guys can’t take their high school girlfriends in to convince them to do some kinky stuff afterwards. And that’s a huge market. Even the highest grossing NC-17 film of all time only made $20 million at its release. And that even had the nerdy chick from Saved by the Bell stripping down to nothing and making out with Gina Gershon, so if that didn’t put asses in the seat, I don’t know what will. But gratuitous full frontal and sex didn’t do much for any of these other Ten Highest Grossing NC-17 Films either.

Ten BDSM Movies That Will Still Probably Be Better Than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

I’ve never read Fifty Shades of Grey’. I will never read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ I don’t care about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ But you can bet your ass I’ll find the erotic scenes of the BDSM with whatever ingenue actress they cast in the movie online and watch them over and over again. Yesterday, a rumor started to swirl that Don’t Trust the B- actress Krysten Ritter was up for the role of Ana Steele in the film adaptation, who I guess is supposed to be like Bella Swan, but more interesting and more DTF by the end of the book.

Now, while her choking on vomit scene in Breaking Bad could mean she’d be good at choking on other things as well, it seems the rumor began just because a fan said they thought Ritter would be great for the role and the actress confirmed that she’d love to do it. And that was it. Whoever’s cast, we can assume that since ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ was originally written as Twilight fan fiction, the film version will undoubtedly probably suck as much as those vampire movies ((save for some nudity that hopefully won’t get dumbed down to PG-13)

So here are ten movies with some hanky spanky we think will still be better than Fifty Shades of Grey whenever it eventually gets made.