When I first heard the news that director Sam Taylor-Johnson was leaving the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, I assumed it was because the Fifty Shades of Grey sucks.
Turns out I was right. But not in the way I expected.
In her official statement to Deadline, Taylor-Johnson said directing Fifty Shades has been an incredible journey, that she’s extremely grateful, that she made lots of swell friends, yada yada yada.
Then she said, “While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.” And that’s the best part. Because what Sam Taylor-Johnson is really saying here, I think, is good f–king luck dealing with E.L. James!
E.L. James, of course, is the the author of the Fifty Shades trilogy. Universal gave her an unprecedented level of creative control over the film adaptations for a first-time author who, just five short years ago, was writing Twilight fan fiction inspired by her own Robert Patterson fantasies. (No, really.) Word on the street is James used her creative control to make changes that ensured fans of her books would like the movies, which really cramped Sam Taylor-Johnson’s style.
So now Taylor-Johnson is gone. Not that it really matters. The sequels were always going to be terrible anyway.
By all accounts, Fifty Shade of Grey is not nearly as titillating as you’d expect for a movie about kinky sex and S&M. However, that doesn’t mean you should take your kids to go see it. Unless you live in France.
Apparently overcome by ennui and convinced that life is ultimately meaningless, the French National Film Board has rated Fifty Shades of Grey PG-12. That means anyone 13 and up can buy and ticket and watch Jamie Dornan whip Dakota Johnson with a riding crop, tie her up, and do her from behind.
The Film Board’s reasoning? “It’s really a romance, we could even call it a bleuette — a sentimental tale,” their Jean-François Mary explained, probably while wearing a beret and smoking a cigarette. “The director handled the sex scenes very skillfully and limited them to the bare minimum. It’s more the subject itself, this SM relationship, which pushed us to restrict the movie for audiences under 12.”
In case you were wondering, pretty much everyone else in the world has given Fifty Shades of Grey a much stronger rating. In the U.S., English-speaking Canada, and Great Britain you have to be 18. Hell, even the Francophones in Quebec say you have to be at least 16, while the always-permissive Netherlands says you have to be at least 15.
Way to go, France.
I’m pleased to announce that the award for “stupidest thing a famous person has said all week” officially goes to Jamie Dornan.
The Northern Irish actor, who plays the titular Christian Grey in the upcoming soccer mom erotica flick Fifty Shades of Grey, recently sat down for an interview with Details magazine. In said interview, the reporter asked Dornan what his biggest fear is regarding the film’s reception.
This was his response:
I almost don’t want to put this out there into the ether, but I fear I’ll get murdered, like John Lennon, by one of those mad fans at the premiere. Because a lot of people are very angry that I’m playing this character. And I’m a father now, and a husband. I don’t want to die yet. And when I do get murdered, people will say, ‘God, isn’t it haunting how he did that interview in Details magazine and predicted his own death on the red carpet?’
So yeah, Dornan compared himself to musical genius John Lennon and, by extension, his S&M flick to the most influential musical act of the 20th century.
In fairness, he was probably joking. But it still sounds ridiculous. Especially given how most people wish John Lennon had not been murdered.
Now, if he had said instead that he was worried his career would be metaphorically murdered by movie critics, that would have been funny. Because, really, don’t we all expect this movie to kinda suck?
Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters February 14.
Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters on Valentine’s Day 2015, which means hundreds of thousands of men across America are going to have to go see it with their wives and girlfriends.
This should have been a good thing. Most men have zero interest in reading the original E.L. James novel, but the thing is pure erotica with nonstop talk about erections and bondage and whatnot, and a great many women love it. So worst case scenario? The movie is boring as hell but features a few wild sex scenes and hundreds of thousands of couples have hot sex later than night. Everybody wins.
Unfortunately, it’s all ruined now. According to Jamie Dornan, who plays the titular Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey will feature tame sex scenes and no full frontal male nudity so as to appeal to “as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out.”
Because yeah, the last thing the millions of women who loved the novel want is to see is the graphic sex scenes acted out on a giant screen by real-life hot people.
Good call, guys. I’m sure the ladies are going to love your “restrained” sex scenes.
[The Guardian via THR]
If you make it, they will come.
By “it” I mean a softcore porn movie about BDSM. By “they” I mean soccer moms. And by “come” I mean come…to YouTube…to watch the trailer.
(See what I did there? I used a Field of Dreams quote to make a sex pun. Somebody give this guy a raise!)
Anyway, as you probably learned from the headline, the first trailer for the hotly anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey is already the most-watched trailer of 2014. Released just five days ago, it’s got a whopping 36.4 million views on YouTube, according to THR. That easily beats the 31 million views racked up by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer since March, as well as the 26.3 million racked up by Godzilla and Transformers and the 23.5 million racked up by Dumb and Dumber Too.
Does this mean Fifty Shades of Grey will beat all those other films at the box office? Yeah right. Soccer mom jokes aside, you know at least half of this trailer’s came from horny young men who were just hoping to see some partial nudity. But I’m sure it still be a box office success.
Fifty Shades of Grey stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan and hits theaters February 14, 2015.
Despite what Charlie Hunnam had to say earlier this week about Fifty Shades of Grey (which he’s not even in) not being mommy porn, you know and I know that it most definitely is mommy porn. And that’s okay, because—NEWSFLASH!—sex is awesome. Ergo, all books about sex—even books written exclusively for women that have characters named Anastasia Steele—are also awesome.
Now, does that mean the Fifty Shades of Grey movie will be awesome, too? Absolutely not. But the first trailer, which for some reason made its debut on the Today show this morning, doesn’t look half bad. There’s a little smooching, a little under-the-table fondling, a little blindfolding, a little horse cropping, a little stripping, a little handcuffing and, yes, even a little writhing.
In short, there are worse things you could do with the next two and a half minutes of your life. So have a look and then set an alarm on your phone to remind you to get tickets in advance. The movie hits theaters on Valentines Day 2015 (there’s a shock), and whoever you’re taking out that night is going to want to see it.
I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath for Hollywood to make its Fifty Shades of Grey casting decisions. You probably hadn’t been able to eat or sleep until they announced that Charlie Hunnam will be playing the rich guy who spanks that college girl, right? Well now we know who will play the soon-to-be world’s most famous spankee, Anastaisa Steele. Are you ready? Can you handle it? It’s going to be Dakota Johnson. Boom.
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