Fifty Shades of Grey

France Is Like Whatever, Let 13-Year-Olds Watch ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Life Is Meaningless

Nothing they have not seen before, right?

By all accounts, Fifty Shade of Grey is not nearly as titillating as you’d expect for a movie about kinky sex and S&M. However, that doesn’t mean you should take your kids to go see it. Unless you live in France.

Apparently overcome by ennui and convinced that life is ultimately meaningless, the French National Film Board has rated Fifty Shades of Grey PG-12. That means anyone 13 and up can buy and ticket and watch Jamie Dornan whip Dakota Johnson with a riding crop, tie her up, and do her from behind.

The Film Board’s reasoning? “It’s really a romance, we could even call it a bleuette — a sentimental tale,” their Jean-François Mary explained, probably while wearing a beret and smoking a cigarette. “The director handled the sex scenes very skillfully and limited them to the bare minimum. It’s more the subject itself, this SM relationship, which pushed us to restrict the movie for audiences under 12.”

In case you were wondering, pretty much everyone else in the world has given Fifty Shades of Grey a much stronger rating. In the U.S., English-speaking Canada, and Great Britain you have to be 18. Hell, even the Francophones in Quebec say you have to be at least 16, while the always-permissive Netherlands says you have to be at least 15.

Way to go, France.

[via Variety]

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Star Says He Fears Getting Murdered ‘Like John Lennon’

Guess who? It's me, Jamie!

I’m pleased to announce that the award for “stupidest thing a famous person has said all week” officially goes to Jamie Dornan.

The Northern Irish actor, who plays the titular Christian Grey in the upcoming soccer mom erotica flick Fifty Shades of Grey, recently sat down for an interview with Details magazine. In said interview, the reporter asked Dornan what his biggest fear is regarding the film’s reception.

This was his response:

I almost don’t want to put this out there into the ether, but I fear I’ll get murdered, like John Lennon, by one of those mad fans at the premiere. Because a lot of people are very angry that I’m playing this character. And I’m a father now, and a husband. I don’t want to die yet. And when I do get murdered, people will say, ‘God, isn’t it haunting how he did that interview in Details magazine and predicted his own death on the red carpet?’

So yeah, Dornan compared himself to musical genius John Lennon and, by extension, his S&M flick to the most influential musical act of the 20th century.

In fairness, he was probably joking. But it still sounds ridiculous. Especially given how most people wish John Lennon had not been murdered.

Now, if he had said instead that he was worried his career would be metaphorically murdered by movie critics, that would have been funny. Because, really, don’t we all expect this movie to kinda suck?

Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters February 14.

[via Independent]

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Star Says Film Won’t Have Any of Those Graphic Sex Scenes Everybody Hates

Good to know

Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters on Valentine’s Day 2015, which means hundreds of thousands of men across America are going to have to go see it with their wives and girlfriends.

This should have been a good thing. Most men have zero interest in reading the original E.L. James novel, but the thing is pure erotica with nonstop talk about erections and bondage and whatnot, and a great many women love it. So worst case scenario? The movie is boring as hell but features a few wild sex scenes and hundreds of thousands of couples have hot sex later than night. Everybody wins.

Unfortunately, it’s all ruined now. According to Jamie Dornan, who plays the titular Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey will feature tame sex scenes and no full frontal male nudity so as to appeal to “as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out.”

Because yeah, the last thing the millions of women who loved the novel want is to see is the graphic sex scenes acted out on a giant screen by real-life hot people.

Good call, guys. I’m sure the ladies are going to love your “restrained” sex scenes.

[The Guardian via THR]

It Took Five Days for the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trailer to Become the Most-Watched of 2014

Soccer Moms love softcore porn

If you make it, they will come.

By “it” I mean a softcore porn movie about BDSM. By “they” I mean soccer moms. And by “come” I mean come…to YouTube…to watch the trailer.

(See what I did there? I used a Field of Dreams quote to make a sex pun. Somebody give this guy a raise!)

Anyway, as you probably learned from the headline, the first trailer for the hotly anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey is already the most-watched trailer of 2014. Released just five days ago, it’s got a whopping 36.4 million views on YouTube, according to THR. That easily beats the 31 million views racked up by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer since March, as well as the 26.3 million racked up by Godzilla and Transformers and the 23.5 million racked up by Dumb and Dumber Too.

Does this mean Fifty Shades of Grey will beat all those other films at the box office? Yeah right. Soccer mom jokes aside, you know at least half of this trailer’s came from horny young men who were just hoping to see some partial nudity. But I’m sure it still be a box office success.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan and hits theaters February 14, 2015.

Well, We Might as Well Watch the Trailer for ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Right?

fifty shades of grey trailer
I think she's doing that hot yoga everyone is talking about

Despite what Charlie Hunnam had to say earlier this week about Fifty Shades of Grey (which he’s not even in) not being mommy porn, you know and I know that it most definitely is mommy porn. And that’s okay, because—NEWSFLASH!—sex is awesome. Ergo, all books about sex—even books written exclusively for women that have characters named Anastasia Steele—are also awesome.

Now, does that mean the Fifty Shades of Grey movie will be awesome, too? Absolutely not. But the first trailer, which for some reason made its debut on the Today show this morning, doesn’t look half bad. There’s a little smooching, a little under-the-table fondling, a little blindfolding, a little horse cropping, a little stripping, a little handcuffing and, yes, even a little writhing.

In short, there are worse things you could do with the next two and a half minutes of your life. So have a look and then set an alarm on your phone to remind you to get tickets in advance. The movie hits theaters on Valentines Day 2015 (there’s a shock), and whoever you’re taking out that night is going to want to see it.

Dakota Johnson Will Star in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, So You Might Actually See It Now

Spanking Goes Mainstream? Yes, Please.

I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath for Hollywood to make its Fifty Shades of Grey casting decisions. You probably hadn’t been able to eat or sleep until they announced that Charlie Hunnam will be playing the rich guy who spanks that college girl, right? Well now we know who will play the soon-to-be world’s most famous spankee, Anastaisa Steele. Are you ready? Can you handle it? It’s going to be Dakota Johnson. Boom.


Will the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Movie Join the Ten Highest Grossing NC-17 Films of All Time

Kelly Marcel, the 38-year-old British screenwriter who is in charge of adapting Fifty Shades of Grey into a script, claims that the movie (or at least her version on the page) will be rated NC-17, with all the S&M all the lonely women who read the book once they finished writing their Twilight erotic fan fiction are hoping for. Now, that’s what she’s saying, but wish in one hand, take a dump in the other and see what fills up first. Because even a movie like Boogie Nights, about the hardcore porn industry, started out as NC-17 and was quickly turned into an R-rated movie by the studio. NC-17 is generally the mark of the death for a movie’s box office performance and popular book franchise or not, it seems like a huge risk and gamble to aim for that as the film’s rating.

Not that parents will typically be bringing their children into a movie about BDSM. But if anyone under 17 can’t buy a ticket, even with adult supervision, it means a large fanbase of creepy college-aged guys can’t take their high school girlfriends in to convince them to do some kinky stuff afterwards. And that’s a huge market. Even the highest grossing NC-17 film of all time only made $20 million at its release. And that even had the nerdy chick from Saved by the Bell stripping down to nothing and making out with Gina Gershon, so if that didn’t put asses in the seat, I don’t know what will. But gratuitous full frontal and sex didn’t do much for any of these other Ten Highest Grossing NC-17 Films either.