What would you do for fifty million dollars?
That’s a rhetorical question, we don’t want to know how depraved the minds of our beloved Ego-readers really are. One answer you probably weren’t considering, though, is ‘murderize Batman right in the face.’ That’s probably about the going rate for this hit, as our ol’ buddy Bruce won’t expire easily. Remember when Bane left him to die in that awful, shitstained prison in the Dark Knight Rises? All he did was casually grow a beardly beard and watch the TV outside his cell, like the hairy-faced badass he is.
You’d be earning that fifty million, that’s for sure. As such, it’s the sum Black Mask has chosen as Mr. Wayne’s bat-bounty, and the reason why eight assassins have converged on Gotham to kill him in Batman: Arkham Origins. Take a look at this combined gameplay/story intro trailer, the latest in our roundup of E3 2013‘s best bits.
Booth babe-ery is becoming something of a dying art. The women of the world, it seems, are being convinced not to use their beguiling superpowers for evil (after all, we’d buy gasoline-flavored breakfast cereal if its logo was spread across a fine pair of chesticles). Not quite so often, anyway.
Nevertheless, where there’s an ogling will, there’s a way. Said will appears to be strong with ZoominGames, who recently brought us their pick of the fine ladies of E3 2013. We’re all kinds of on board.
Take a look above, as questionable gaming credentials meet bountiful cleavages and… surprise musical interludes from George ‘Hey there, want to share a urinal?’ Michael. It’s also confirmed that glasses are still just as much of a slightly nerdly aphrodisiac as ever. In case anyone’s ‘nads missed that memo.
Well, no. No they didn’t. Nevertheless, as we’ve seen, these wacky funsters had a different objective to their rivals. With their own next-gen wonderbox already on store shelves (where it seems to be remaining for the most part, wallowing in its own crap/sad, sad tears of sadness, but it’s there nonetheless), there was no three-way wang-waving ‘no, look at our new console, or we’ll kick you in the eyeballs’ shitstorm to be seen on the show floor.
Much as we’d all like to have seen a trio of furious CEOs wrestling in a pit, greased chests
a-heaving and tiny wrestler’s underpants a-bulging, it was not to be. Nintendo decided to have no part in the festivities.
Indeed, their presence at E3 2013 consisted only of ‘Nintendo Direct’ footage (regularly scheduled online updates, generally featuring boss-man Satoru Iwata dicking around in a Luigi cap or something). The question, then, is just what was shown? Will there be enough balls-out badass first party releases to keep Wii U trucking once PlayStation 4 and Xbox One arrive? Take a look at the gallery for our top 5 picks of the games Nintendo presented at the show.
Think yourselves lucky, because that headline could’ve been (marginally) even worse.
As we know, Destiny is the latest venture from ex Halo overlords Bungie, in collaboration with the producers of the mighty, still-got-the-whole-gaming-world-by-its-sweaty-’nads Call of Duty. That knowledge alone is sufficient to demand our attention. You may even have got a little wood, and nobody would think any the less of you for it.
With each new revelation, then, we see just how much promise this project holds. Rather like Johnny Depp, who recently turned fifty yet his shitty beard is still irresistible to a far-too-great percentage of the female population, Bungie appear to have ‘still got it’ in a major way.
In the future-tastic dystopian world of Destiny, the last remnants of humanity are besieged by… some ugly humanoid bastards or other. In the above, they leave their stronghold to make a stand. The whole situation smacks of Gears of War, and in addition to the powerful stench of Halo-ness about the whole thing, this makes for one of the most intriguing next-gen prospects thus far.
As with Metal Gear Solid V, this is another action-tacular romp perfect for E3‘s big screen oohing and ahhing.
The lucky thirteenth installment certainly isn’t lacking any of Battlefield’s usual balls-out, bombastic, summer blockbuster-flavored warfare. At EA’s press conference, a 64-player shitstorm on the Siege of Shanghai map made the business as usual, and then some message quite plain. What more did we need to know? Nothing, that’s what.
Take a look at the latest screens from Battlefield 4 in the gallery, then hit the jump to behold some of that sweet, sweet siege action.
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As winning combinations go, that one’s a whole lot more win-y than most.
Bayonetta 2 is coming at us courtesy of the loons at Platinum Games, last seen crafting the balls-out actiontacular crazy spree that is Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. Raiden’s badass ninja influence is plain to see here: complex-looking combo counter as high as the Chrysler building? Check. Awesomely theatrical moves –complete with their own brief ‘check this shit out’ cutscene– when a simple stabbing to the manparts would suffice? Double check.
Still, the most intriguing factor here is that this remains a Wii U exclusive. As we know, the family-friendly funsters at Nintendo aren’t really ones for sex appeal (NOA boss-dude Reggie not included. That guy’s all man). They probably shat a little when they saw Bayonetta emerge crotch-first from the wreckage and make innuendos about ‘touching.’ Sometimes, though, impeccably-dressed Asian businessmen have to take one for the team; the result of which you can see above.
Yes indeed. It’s time to party like it’s 2012, because another E3 brings us another trailer for the upcoming South Park: The Stick of Truth.
Those that have been following the game –which you totally should have, or we’re ashamed of you and will no longer exchange small talk with you in public toilets while you’re trying to take a piss– will know how much it’s dicked us around. Delays, switcheroo publisher swaps and such have all amounted to a giant middle finger to fans everywhere.
All is forgiven, though, in the light of the above. Randy gleefully demonstrating the ‘Nagasaki Fart’ is hopefully but our first introduction to a brave new world of flatulence-based special attacks. Would we have it any other way? We would not. The game is coming, as Cartman himself announces in the clip, ‘this holiday season. Or some holiday season hopefully kinda soon. You know how video games are.’