Yesterday the entire planet went insane after the future king of England slid out of Kate Middleton’s royal privy chamber. I’m not entirely sure why we Americans are so excited about this baby since we told the English monarchy to eff off 237 years ago. I mean, where I come from the result of centuries of cousins marrying is nothing special. They are just another mouth breathing troglodyte to man the fryers at Arby’s.
In the latest installment of Egotastic! Dollhouse Theater, I re-enact what it was like to be in the delivery room with Will and Kate and wonder if things REALLY went as smoothly as they are saying or if there were any…hiccups.
It’s really quite astounding to see how far perhaps my greatest public celebrity has fallen these days. No, not Lance Armstrong. Oprah Winfrey, and her struggling OWN network which was based on the fact that people want a whole bunch more of what Oprah loves, minus the one thing people did love, Oprah’s inane talk show where she gave away cars and slippers. Alas.
But, this past week Oprah did score big time with Lance Armstrong prostrating himself before the big ‘O’ and coming clean on his use of a performance enhancing drug, or three, in an apology nobody really cared to believe or really give a flying eff about. Still, it caught the eye of our own Jack Tomas who turned it into the latest edition of Egotastic! Doll House Theater. Check it out.
Well, don’t you know, the blessed announcement of Kim Kardashian’s illegitimate child has inspired our own Jack Tomas to retrieve his dolls from the disturbingly moist box that is their safekeep beneath his bed to dramatically re-create the moment at which Kanye West learned that has sired a bastard baby deep in the woman parts of Kim Kardashian.
Things we’re not all flowers and trumpets from the get-go, as you shall see….
Only the good die young. The more I hear that phrase, the more I realize just how true it is. Meanwhile, the Devil’s Midget will probably live to be 150, or, you know, forever in whatever new tiny form he takes in the future.
Either way, we did pay $7.45 for a set of dolls for our writer Jack Tomas to play with, and while we certainly anticipated some serious nonsense, and perhaps even some kind of cover story explaining how one of the Ken dolls got lodged in his rectum, we never expected Jack to start covering so much hard hitting news with his little friends.
Check out this installment of Egotastic! Doll House Theater and see what really happened in the Justin Bieber castration plot. Enjoy.