Dispatches from the Apocalypse

Where the Fuck Did My Apocalypse Go????

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WTF???? Where's My Apocalpyse????

Well, 12/21/12 came and went without any kind of bang, and speaking personally, I’m kind of pissed that I now need to pay my back rent, stop my end of the world Dennison’s Chili-only diet, and explain to my girlfriend why I may have possibly felt up her sister at the family holiday party. Tons of stuff I was figuring I could slough off until after the earth exploded. But, now, no such luck.

Even less lucky is our writer Jack Tomas, so sure of the Mayan Apocalypse, that he has spent the last four months buried in his bunker. Now, it’s all gone. Dreams of death and destruction vanished right before his eyes. See how he’s handling reality in the final installment of Dispatches from the Apocalypse. Enjoy.

Smoke on the Water, Fire in the Sky! Tonight We All Burn Like My Mom’s Cookies!

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Tonight Is the Last Night of the Rest of Your Life!

This is it people. If you haven’t banged your unusually hot cousin or told your boss to suck your manhood right through your pooper, you’re already too late, because the End of Times is upon us. And while reports have yet to pour in from parts of the world where 12/21/12 has already begun, rest assured, that’s only because their communication towers have been felled by fire and brimstone. Honestly, I can’t even get a clear signal in L.A. unless it’s perfectly sunny outside so I can only imagine what a little hellfire would do to reception.

If you’re still without specific instruction as to how to handle the Apocalypse upon us, check out the last and final installment of Dispatches from the Apocalypse.

This Friday, The Earth Blasts Out of the Universe’s Ass Like A Messy Wet Fart!

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The End Times Are Upon Us!

That might be a slight exaggeration, but according to our own Jack Tomas, this Friday, the shit is going to hit the proverbial and global fan.

Check out the latest edition of his Dispatches from the Apocalypse to get all your up to date info on the end of days.

Dispatches from the Apocalypse, Part Four

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10 Days Til Death Warms Us All Over!

With just ten days left until the earth turns to rubble and ruin and all the girls on your wish-bang list are annihilated by a fire-breathing dragon monster and earthquakes, well, this might just be your last chance to soak up a little wisdom from our friend Jack Tomas, who remains in his bunker, warning all of you of this pending doom.

Check out the fourth installment of Dispatches from The Apocalypse, and gain some final bit of knowledge before The End.

Dispatches from the Apocalypse, Part 3: The End Is Nigh

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Pack Your Bags, We're All Going to Hell!

Our good but entirely not quite sane friend Jack Tomas remains sequestered in his bunker, reporting on the likely form of the coming Apocalypse.

Heed his words wisely, or just mock him, either way, the Four Horsemen are coming.

The End is Nigh! Dispatches from the Apocalypse, Part 2 (VIDEO)

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Christmas is Canceled Forever!

Our own Jack Tomas remains hidden in a secret underground bunker that eerily resembles his mother’s basement, holding out and fortified for the coming December ’12 apocalypse. Meanwhile, he continues to see signs that our end is certain, including a government warning on zombie attacks. How uplifting!

Still, you’d be wise to check it out.

Who Cares About Topless Photo Scandals? We’re All Doomed on 12/21/12!

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Find Out How the World Will End!

Ever since he finally read a newspaper story about the coming Mayan End of Calendar Days apocalypse planned not so conveniently just four days before Christmas on December 21, 2012, our staff writer Jack Tomas has holed himself up in some underground bunker, of a location we do not know, to report what he says will be a chronicle of important information for those who plan on being the few if any post-Apocalyptic survivors.

It all seems pretty doomy, but you judge for yourself in Part 1 of Dispatches From The Apocalypse.