isn’t just hot, she’s unfairly hot. As in, whoever created her must’ve realized how many men and Sapphic leaning women were going to suffer over long periods of time from unrequited lust. Is she borne of good or illicit intent? This is the cosmic question for the ages I’ll mostly leave to the rabbinical scholars as I devote my time to perusing the visuals. Like this simply jeans pimping pictorial that Candice turns into a braless wonderland of eye popping and tent popping lust inducement. Damn. How does she do this? It’s not quite magic, not quite enchantment, but surely something not explained by conventional science is afoot here.
I can’t help but feel like upgrading my couches from Ikea ’02 will improve my odds of returning home one evening to find Candice Swanepoel in nothing but shredded jeans laying in my living room/kitchenette. Though my gambling instincts are rather questionable. I’m a man who relies heavily on blind faith. Also, finding discount furniture outlets. Give me three months, Candice. It takes time for the buys to arrive from Kamchatka. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Osmoze Jeans
Hot girls often have hot friends. I feel like if I could just crack the code on the first part of that equation, I could inevitably surround myself with beautiful half-nekkid to fully-nekkid models and celebrities who think of me as a trusted friend they can change in front of. That is the dream.
Candice Swanepoel has some mightily attractive friends. Many of whom she hooked up with to film the Victoria’s Secret Swimwear Special. Just looking at the results, I can see several things that are quite special, starting with Our Lady of Swanepoel laying barely covered on the beach. I’ve always maintained the best way to sell a swimsuit is by having one outstandingly sextastic woman not wear that swimsuit in photos. The Emperor’s new clothes really is the ideal line for these incredibly alluring bodied women. If there’s one thing I know, it’s absent fashion. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret 2015 Swim Special
Candice Swanepoel uses her arm as a bra. (Popoholic)
It’s cold here but it’s bikini weather somewhere. (The Chive)
Amber Rose grinds up on a dude like a champ. (WWTDD)
Jen Selter is hot in a bikini. So is her mom. (TMZ)
Kate Hudson‘s abs are RIDICULOUS. (Huffington Post)
Margot Robbie is sexy as F for Vogue Australia. (Drunken Stepfather)
Roxanne Sanderson in a swimsuit will make your day. (Hollywood Tuna)
It’s like a tidal wave of amazingly hot women in lingerie from our friends at Victoria’s Secret leading up to Valentine’s Day. A tsnumai of sextastic women in bras and panties, as if they are daring you to find the strength to resist. Somebody needs to file a complaint at the Hague or something about this kind of inhumane tantalizing of the male parts.
Candice Swanepoel was simply born to model lingerie. I don’t know what else she had planned as a young person, but I’m glad she figured out that those other career paths wouldn’t benefit her or mankind nearly as much as preening, bending, and posing in little bits of silken undergarments. This is her gift and she’s sharing it with the world. There’s no more beautiful human gesture to be made. Not ogling her outstanding body would be an insult of extraordinary proportions. Don’t be rude, stare. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
If you thought Victoria’s Secret was giving up. Think again. With just eleven days to go until one of their biggest holidays o the year, they are turning on the sextastic after burners with the likes of uber-hotties Candice Swanepoel and Behati Prinsloo barely dressed in Valentine’s themed bras and panties, or no bras at all. Panties you may remove with your mind.
Let’s be honest, they’re not playing fair. But you need to maintain your resolve not to purchase lingerie for your wife, girlfriend, mistress, or office secret lust crush. Obviously, I don’t need to tell your mom or sister, that’s just wrong and you need help. Just blanket the idea with a no-go this holiday. Sure, you may find yourself at 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s, but you can always play God of War on low contrast and ask your date to nudge you when Dakota Johnson gets nekkid on screen. It’s worth a shot. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
The lovely Candice Swanepoel used her considerable talents to do this denim-centric photo shoot. All the proceeds from the sale of her denim line go to fighting HIV, which is using your hotness powers for good. The first thing you notice in the pics with her in short shorts is her redonkulously hot legs. Seriously, those gams go on for miles, as a 1940′s private eye might say. Candice has one of those classic tall model bodies that makes life worth living. But let’s not forget about those ta-tas. In one pic she is only wearing a pair of jeans and you get a nice eyeball full of her sideboobage. Candice’s funbags are a work of art. They are the perfect median between too big to hold and the itty bitty titty committee. Are they, perhaps, the most perfect set of sweater hams under God’s heavens? They darn well could be.
I do like a girl in a pair of short cut-off denim shorts. Maybe it’s because I had my sexual awakening as a little boy in the early 80′s to Daisy Duke on the Dukes of Hazard.
Photo Credit: Mother Denim Line
With the New Year comes the ever ticking imminent clock of Valentine’s Day. Hard to believe but you’ve got a month and a week to get that perfect for somebody special. Naturally, I will be taking the lust of my life, Candice Swanepoel, to see 50 Shades of Grey then out to In & Out Burger for some double doubles then back to the studio apartment mansion for endless rounds of David and Bathsheba. I like to throw a little biblical color into the holiday passion.
As a preview of my own Valentine’s evening, Candice was kind enough to model some very bits of V.S. lingerie being pimped specifically for the fine ladies on February 14th. As you know, each year I caution you against purchasing lingerie for your girl despite the upside you envision. It’s a trap. It’s always been a trap. It will always be a trap. Get flowers and a cashmere scarf, if you can eat the cost. Trust Uncle Bill. I’ve been around that block. Enjoy.
Photo Credit: Victorias Secret