Asstastic

Oh To Have Kelly Brook Junk In My Trunk

Kelly Brook is pretty much taunting me at this point. I hate to personalize things, but Kelly walking about my hood in her Spandex stretch pants pulled up tight over her outrageously two-hands-full booty is just downright sinister. Sure, she walks away from me too fast to ever get a great glimpse of her frontal beauty and sweet curvy treats, but those lovely large lady cans are always right there in my line of sight. Kelly Brook, you are killing me.

I know with our nation currently under siege from more pressing immigration matters, I probably won’t get much attention to my request to personally detain Kelly and ask the Brit what her business is here in Los Angeles and if she understands what I mean when I say I can make all her Visa problems go away with a quick game of hide the kidney pie. I would do this for the good of our nation. And my desperate to be near Kelly reproductive organs. Why not serve both. Enjoy.

Claudia Romani Full Tilt Killer Bikini Tush Throttling in Miami

Oh, my. It can’t be long now before the Supreme Court and the Counsel of the Guardian Elders allows for me to take the wicked hot thumper of Claudia Romani and make it my wife. I have a ring and everything. I’d show you, but it’s complicated.

Claudia chose pink as her bikini color to thong-show off her amazing backside, not to mention her frontside, and all over Roman goodness. I can’t believe we haven’t perfected Google Earth yet to allow me to track Claudia Romani on the beach in real time. At which point, I’d never ever have to leave my seat. You know, once I install the proper tubing. Claudia just makes me smile, her asstastic gives me serious face. That’s my kind of woman. Enjoy.

Kelly Brook Booty! Um, Sorry, I Got Over Excited

You never know what you’ll find when you’re just walking the streets. I think there was a Sesame Street video about that very theme when I was a kid. Although I never imagined as a kid I would ever come across as glorious as sight as Kelly Brook and her luscious behind in a tight fitting pair of stretch pants. I don’t even need to see the face, my eyeballs have such a powerful arse-recognition system based upon years and years of ogling. I wish I was eighteen again so I could put that skill on a college application and maybe fare a little a better.

Kelly Brook has been spending a good deal of time in Los Angeles these days. When she’s not with her muscle-bound gorilla of a boyfriend (please don’t tell him I said that) she’s a sight for truly sore eyes and other body parts. She does try to cover up a bit when she hits the gym, but you can’t cover up that bodacious booty. Well, especially not in a tight pair of stretch pants. Bless you stretch pants. And bless you Kelly Brook. You’ve made a simple man so happy today. Enjoy. 

Jennifer Lopez Hot Booty Shaking During Warms for iHeart Pool Party

Nobody does it better. Well, no forty-something mom perhaps. It’s that dancer workouts all the live long day. They’re keeping Jennifer Lopez in ogle worthy shape in her Spandex well past many of her peers. It’s a blessing, especially for all of us.

Jennifer was working the stage during sound checks for her iHeart Radio show in Miami over the weekend. Just a casual bit of bare-midriff and booty in stretch pants for warmups. There’s nothing wrong with practice makes perfect. Very bottomside perfect. Jennifer made her name with that thumper, she’s going out strong with those cheeks as well. I’m so proud of her. Enjoy.

Beyonce Shakes Her Big Hot Thumper for Big Pimpin in Concert

Like most husband wives, Beyonce and Jay Z are spending their summer on tour making millions and showing off their bodies. Well, thankfully, just Beyonce on that latter front. And, man, what a MILFy hot body it is.

For anybody who though (like me) that Beyonce might change after motherhood, um, wrong. She’s only gotten better. And that magical booty of hers, only fuller and funner. The way she shook it last night to open up the couple’s big On The Run Tour this summer means that everybody who buys even an overpriced ticket will be getting their money’s worth. If only it were possible to build a home in that bottomside, I could live happily ever after. Nice work, Beyonce. Enjoy.







Andrea Calle Booty Crazy Hot in Booty Shorts in South Beach

Tis the season for hot Latina booty in Miami. It’s World Cup season and all guns are blazing for attention in the sports world, including the grandest sport of them all — thumper preening workouts. Andrea Calle is clearly a contender for most watchable booty in South Florida this year. That bottomside on the MMA Spanish TV hottie is simple beyond spankable, not that I wouldn’t try.

Sure, soccer is a pretty popular game around the world. But wake me when it’s nearly as enticing as ogling the hot bodies on the finest women in the world. Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian Booty Packed Into Ultra Tight Skirt in West Hollywood

As the old saying goes, you don’t want to know how the sausage is made, you just want to taste it off the grill. I may have added that last part, but it certainly seems apropos to Kim Kardashian and her moneymaker behind when packed into a skirt so tight, the inventors of the fabric ought to win some kind of Nobel award for manufacturing achievement.

Kim was out filming her reality show in West Hollywood and I suppose was only being shot from the front, as her entire bra was exposed in the back, albeit that’s also where her million dollar butt-baby was stationed, so I’m not exactly sure what the E! camera instructions are. Either way, let’s be honest, Kim’s ginormous seat cans are impressive to the layman and the cleric both. She may be one of the most hated women in poll after poll, but there’s nary a man alive who wouldn’t like to try and scale Mount Butt-Everest at some point around midnight on a Saturday. Enjoy.