Asstastic Posts:

Alexandra Eriksson Bikini Booty Could Sell Water to a Drowning Man

And back to the water. The bottled water and the water line. This creepy 138 water company is now doing two-a-days with crazy hot models by land and by sea, always ever showing more and more skin. It's really something that needs to be investigated by the FCC or the FDA or EPA or something. I'm sure we have a government department for exploring the over-bikinization of America.

I'd stop showing this multitude of merchandising sextastic models, but, just look at the bikini booty on Alexandra Eriksson. How can you not share that with the world? To possess such a perfectly tanned thumper for just yourself, that's downright criminal. Much like Pez candies or the flu, this is something you have to share with your friends. And all of you, you're my friends. Though none of you send birthday presents. So not like awesome friends. Enjoy, Alexandra.

Claudia Romani Magical Snorkeling Thumper! I May Not Survive This

I'm not sure just how much more teasing I can take from my future betrothed behind as attached to the hot Latin model Claudia Romani. Every day it seems a new bounty of asstastic thong clad beach pics. And now this. That killer tush snorkeling in the waters off of Miami. An epic derriere rising and falling with the ocean current like a heavenly Neptune's creation.  If I were a manatee, I'd be trying to mate with that hot thing. That would be magical.

Claudia, someday, when you and I and that thumper are together in a manner recognized by the courts, by our families, and by a magazine that pays for the photos, we shall snorkel together. I will not actually require a mask or a bathing suit now that I think about it. I will not be looking at the fish, I assure you. So damn booty hot! Enjoy.

Kim Kardashian Bare Oiled Down Thumper In Your Face, Yeah, That Just Happened

Well, why not just cut to the photographic chase? We all know why we stood in line for the Kim Kardashian exhibition. We want to see her big ole booty. So heck yeah, let's cut out the small talk, have her drop her drawers, oil that bad boy down, and let the photography session begin. That's what Paper Magazine figured at least. I have to give them an A on concept. Execution I'll leave for you to grade.

Kim seems at least self-aware enough to know what she's selling in her virtual store. It's her cans. Perhaps nobody in history has ever accomplished as much as Kim has with merely curves and no other apparent talents. It's a tribute to something through probably ought to be taught in our nation's schools if we're to stay ahead of the international success curve. For now, we can just let gravity take its course and draw our retinal cones toward that might thumper, touched up as it may be. Enjoy.

Claudia Romani Baby Blue Bikini Booty (And Some Evening Kangoo Boot Bouncy Fun Times)

I don't know what Kangoo boots are precisely, but I know that after a full day of ogling Claudia Romani and her amazing killer tush in a bikini on Miami Beach, I sure feel like bouncing. Claudia gets to see herself both in and out of her bikinis daily so I can only imagine the spring she feels in her step, and the need to perhaps strap on some dynamic footwear to bound along South Beach after seeing such sites. Oh, my, this is quite the double header of leering.

As you know, I'm working through my elected representatives to promote legislation that would allow me the humane right to marry Claudia Romani's bikini booty. I believe it's time for such a liberating expression of lust and baby powdering. When you hear the church bells barely able to cover up the sounds of feral groans not of this planet, then you'll know I've achieved my goal. Just look at that wicked hot bottom, how could you not want to take that on a honeymoon. Enjoy.

Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea Epic Wet and Oiled Thumper Duet in Booty

Wow, I mean, just wow. If you happen to call yourself an assman, which actually is how my business card line item for occupation reads, then you have to be a fan of Jennifer Lopez and Iggly Azalea in the new music video Booty. Granted, the music is rather silly and contrived and been done a million times, but the sight of J-Lo and Iggy Azalea slapping curvy bottom sides together, not to mention their own, well, the French call this magnifique I believe.

I know the rumors are that Iggy might be artificially sweetening her arse, but I've always felt that Jennifer was one of those lucky birds who inherited and trained her finely curved derriere. Either way, not the kind of questions I ask while watching two women pretend to make out and then rub their oiled down cheeks against one another to make beautiful music. There is a time for talk and there is a time for silent drooling. This would be the latter. Enjoy.

Iggy Azalea Tosses Her Assasaurus around the O2 Arena

Iggy Azalea has quite the bottom thing going on. I'm not sure by what means that beast came to be born, but it's an epic keester that Iggy uses like a weapon when she's on stage entertaining the people who like her music, and maybe her curvy body as well. Put me in the camp of the latter. I'm not sure I could do 90 minutes of screaming kids and uninspired music, but I could do 90 hours of staring at her thumper and imagining the possibilities. If her rumored sex tape comes out, I might have to make that 90 days.

Iggy Azalea has certainly propelled herself to the top of the charts in a rather short amount of time. At least since we first met here. The larger that butt monster of hers grows, the more her popularity may continue to rise. There's some mathematical equation I'm sure that explains this. Enjoy.

Claudia Romani Bikini Thumper Has Almost Agreed to Be My Dear Belusted

I feel like I'm making progress with Claudia Romani and her killer tush. The wicked hot bodied Roman beach goddess is no longer returning my love letters to her hiney with threats of legal prosecution, restraining orders, and jokes about how horrible my favorite NFL team are. Just marked unread. I like to think this means I'm making headway. I'm a guy who takes the long term approach to getting what I want. It might take 200 years, but I'll get there eventually.

Claudia, every time your moon makes an appearance on Miami Beach I feel like the sun has just risen for the very first time. Do you see how poetic I am about your asstastic? It's time to let your bottom side say yes to my proposals. I will treat those twin buns of happiness with such respect save for 30 minutes a day when it will be booty play time, no holds barred. Like an all-skate at the rink. Turn on the Warrant and have at it. But for 23.5 hours a day, just chivalry. Enjoy.