Asstastic Posts:

Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea Epic Wet and Oiled Thumper Duet in Booty

Wow, I mean, just wow. If you happen to call yourself an assman, which actually is how my business card line item for occupation reads, then you have to be a fan of Jennifer Lopez and Iggly Azalea in the new music video Booty. Granted, the music is rather silly and contrived and been done a million times, but the sight of J-Lo and Iggy Azalea slapping curvy bottom sides together, not to mention their own, well, the French call this magnifique I believe.

I know the rumors are that Iggy might be artificially sweetening her arse, but I've always felt that Jennifer was one of those lucky birds who inherited and trained her finely curved derriere. Either way, not the kind of questions I ask while watching two women pretend to make out and then rub their oiled down cheeks against one another to make beautiful music. There is a time for talk and there is a time for silent drooling. This would be the latter. Enjoy.

Iggy Azalea Tosses Her Assasaurus around the O2 Arena

Iggy Azalea has quite the bottom thing going on. I'm not sure by what means that beast came to be born, but it's an epic keester that Iggy uses like a weapon when she's on stage entertaining the people who like her music, and maybe her curvy body as well. Put me in the camp of the latter. I'm not sure I could do 90 minutes of screaming kids and uninspired music, but I could do 90 hours of staring at her thumper and imagining the possibilities. If her rumored sex tape comes out, I might have to make that 90 days.

Iggy Azalea has certainly propelled herself to the top of the charts in a rather short amount of time. At least since we first met here. The larger that butt monster of hers grows, the more her popularity may continue to rise. There's some mathematical equation I'm sure that explains this. Enjoy.

Claudia Romani Bikini Thumper Has Almost Agreed to Be My Dear Belusted

I feel like I'm making progress with Claudia Romani and her killer tush. The wicked hot bodied Roman beach goddess is no longer returning my love letters to her hiney with threats of legal prosecution, restraining orders, and jokes about how horrible my favorite NFL team are. Just marked unread. I like to think this means I'm making headway. I'm a guy who takes the long term approach to getting what I want. It might take 200 years, but I'll get there eventually.

Claudia, every time your moon makes an appearance on Miami Beach I feel like the sun has just risen for the very first time. Do you see how poetic I am about your asstastic? It's time to let your bottom side say yes to my proposals. I will treat those twin buns of happiness with such respect save for 30 minutes a day when it will be booty play time, no holds barred. Like an all-skate at the rink. Turn on the Warrant and have at it. But for 23.5 hours a day, just chivalry. Enjoy.

Jennifer Lopez Has More Than Still Got the Booty Chops at Fashion Rocks

Let's be honest, fashion doesn't rock. Fashion might pop. Fashion might hip hop. And fashion might adult contemporary. But fashion clearly does not rock. Nevertheless, I'm definitely paying attention to a New York Fashion event when Jennifer Lopez and her hot mommy booty are the prime attraction.

Jennifer took to the stage in Brooklyn to celebrate the convergence of mad music and mad fashion by not really being musical talented or wearing many clothes, none of which mattered when she started shaking that magical thumper of hers in reverse to the audience. Wow, they should have a big week in New York just celebrating Jenny's asstastic. I'd go to that. In loose shorts. Jennifer, you remain a veteran hottie two-cheeked wonder. Bless you. Enjoy.

Coco’s Ginormous Cans Are About To Make Landfall, Orange Thongs Stand No Chance

I know Coco and her big and bigger booty is not for everybody, though make no mistake, there certainly is enough for everybody. But if you happen to be a 'lots more cushion, for lots more pushin' kind of guy, then Coco's dramatic curves and shape probably get you into some kind of lather. I'm not sure her thong bottom isn't crying for help in some manner. Only there's no way we could hear it being smothered by her round mounds of reckless abounds. This is some pretty monumental territory.

Coco was flashing her front side boobside as well in Barbados, just to ensure that everybody within a couple degrees latitude got a peek at her sea-worthy vessels. I'm sure satellites in orbit didn't miss them either. It really is quite the show. Coco, I'll say this for you, you definitely leave your mark. Enjoy.

Amanda Cerny Tight Shorts, Hot Booty, Playing the Round Ball

I'm not exactly sure why Playmate Amanda Cerny is in a tight sports bra and short shorts playing basketball. Sometimes, it's best not to ask the obvious question as it might anger the gods who take away the goodies. We would not want that. What I am sure of is that this is the most interesting bit of women's basketball I've seen in, well, let's be polite and not say forever. How about a very long time?

Amanda has simply one wicked hot body. You add in the elements of skin tight revealing clothes, that absolutely wrecking ball of a bottom, and sports, and you have the picture perfect recipe for making men whimper out your name. Amanda. You are a real full-court piece of work. Enjoy.

Nicki Minaj Mighty Booty Shakes, Thumps, and Bites in ‘Anaconda’

Okay, the entirety of the Anaconda song is quite craptastic, and the video, well, it's inane, save for one large game-changing element -- massive Nicki Minaj and friends booty. But especially Nicki's. That Thor's Hammer of a thumper steals the show in this otherwise mindless and quite shoddily produced musical homage to Sir Mix-A-Lot I suppose. Not sure.

I do know that few on this planet have an asstastic like Nicki's that can make it move like that. Sure, some parts of it are artificially augmented, but this is Hollywood, the show, the movies, things are fake and still often quite compelling. There really aren't any guardians in our galaxy. But for two hours I bought into that happily. So too am I buying into the idea of playing paddleball with Nicki's mighty behind being the paddle and me being the ball on the string. I can't believe I managed to say that with using the word testicles. Enjoy.