Asstastic

Kelly Brook Bootyful Bottom and Maybe a Little Toe in Stretch Pants

By Bill Swift | Mar 5th, 2015 @ 8:24 am

Oh, blessed stretch pants. How much appreciation you deserve, but unfortunately mostly only receive praise in women’s magazines talk about dressing comfortably throughout the day. Nay, you may be comfortable to wear, you are more than straining on the gentleman oglers who gaze upon your fabric stretched to the fare-thee-well over the curvaceous asstastic of Kelly Brook. So tight across her perfectly squeezable bum that you may very well be revealing some of her lovely cleft on the anterior. Absolutely delightful.

Kelly Brook has been hitting the gym hard and fast since landing her role in Ellen’s new sitcom about modern day families or something like that which will make it harder for me to watch since I have to to see Kelly Brook in the role of sexpot. Kelly’s clearly shaved a little off her sides while still maintaining that alluring sense of full-bodied woman that has made her the queen of daydreams the world over. Next time, let’s try even snugger stretch pants, Kelly. How tight can you take? I can go deeper. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: INF

Kelly Brook Drives Me Literally and Figuratively Insane

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Amber Rose vs. Kim Kardashian, Nekkid Ass Battle

By Bill Swift | Feb 17th, 2015 @ 12:15 pm

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With the current feud going down between Amber Rose and Kim Kardashian and the Kardashian clan, I thought I’d jump in the only way I know how, by showing off pictures of each’s bare ginormous backside allures and letting you decide who has the more faptastic fanny. It’s a crude version of Solomon’s wisdom I prefer to follow.

Say what you will about these backside on these two women, they’ve both made their living from or on their dumpers. So I’m going to call this officially relevant to their ongoing feud over the little rapper they both still pine for. Go figure. And leer. Definitely leer. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Egotastic Archives

Asstastic Claudia Romani Wants To Be Your Valentine

By Jack Tomas | Feb 13th, 2015 @ 7:50 am

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Valentine’s Day is this weekend and hot as F Claudia Romani wants to be your Valentine. In this shoot she posed in some lingerie and a big stuffed bear. The bra gave us some cleavage for the ages. Claudia has a spectacular pair of funbags of which I am a big fan. I always look forward to seeing those bouncing beauties on any bikini or lingerie spread. But it is her asstastic thumper that most excites me. She’s got a nice curvy bottom but her cheeks are firm and fully packed. She has the kind of booty that you want to marry and buy a house with so that you can see it every day. Seriously, I would sell my soul to Beelzebub just to touch that booty. And my touch I mean smack.

But lovingly, not rough. I’m not one of those Fifty Shades of Grey dudes that likes to whip chicks. Why would you do that to a hot girl?

Photo Credit: Enrique Romero Photography

Throwback Tribute To The 80′s Booty In Leotards

By Bill Swift | Feb 6th, 2015 @ 12:12 pm

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Could this be my favorite thing ever? It’s up there. It’s up there indeed.

Photographer David Hauserman got the bright idea to shoot a whole bunch of workout girls homaging the glorious leotard booty days of the 1980′s. Stretching, preening, bending, posing, sweaty, booty revealing. I’m kind of speechless, but in the chatty I’ve got to share this kind of way. No salad pictures or LOL cat video shares from Uncle Bill. Just this visually glorious look at aerobics life three decades ago when Spandex was all fresh and new and being dramatically over-used. Blessedly so. I need a moment to myself, so excuse me. Enjoy.

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Photo Credit: David Hauserman For C-Heads Magazine

Asstastic Humps For a Humpday Huzzah!

By Bill Swift | Feb 4th, 2015 @ 12:39 pm

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My loveliest minion Whitney and I got into a fight over whether lady humps was meant to describe the glorious funbags of fine ladies or their equally alluring keesters. To further her positions, she put together a dozen pictures of super fine celebrity asstastic including Jessica Alba, Kim Kardashian, and Nikki Mudarris. I guess she wins in terms of preponderance of the evidence of a sextastic nature.

Whether humps refers to tops or bottoms, make no mistake, lady curves are the finest shapes ever produced by the prodigious and benevolent hand of Mother Nature. There’s no other design in the natural world that matches the sense of awe in seeing remarkably alluring women with primordially passion inducing curves. Bless them, one and all. Huzzah!

Photo Credit: Archives

Claudia Romani Magical Thumper In See-Through Booty Shorts, Now That’s a Park!

By Bill Swift | Jan 15th, 2015 @ 10:13 am

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As if going to the beaches in Miami wasn’t strain on the crotchal region enough, now just visiting the seaside parks can be something of a pleasant torture. Take for example Claudia Romani whose blessed killer tush will someday be my lawfully wedded booty. Oh, that bottomside on Claudia Romani, not the least bit hidden in this wonderful invention of see-through short shorts. I wouldn’t believe it if I weren’t seeing it for myself as we speak. err, leer.

There’s really nothing finer in this world than the perfectly alluring asstastic of a sextastic woman. Maybe the laughter and merriment of children. Naw, that’s kind of overrated now that I think about it. It’s definitely the asstastic. And with Claudia Romani, it’s so damn beautiful I feel tears welling up from deep down below. You’re no less a man for weeping at the sight of the magical thumper. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Splash

Claudia in a Leopard Print Thong, That Was a Thang

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Michelle Lewin Underboob and OverAss, I’m So in Love!

By Bill Swift | Dec 23rd, 2014 @ 9:25 am

Michelle Lewin Flashes Some Underboob While Shopping In Miami

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It’s not often I’m at a loss for words. In fact, ever since I became verbal at age six or so, I’ve been flapping my gums nonstop mostly about women, occasionally the international sport of skee-ball. But now, Michelle Lewin and her sextacular taut and tight and toned body out shopping in a half shirt and tight shorts. Wow, damn, silence.

If the pleasurable perusal of Michelle’s underboob doesn’t move you, then a peekaboo at her magically powerful thumper in those little shorts will likely do you in. Or maybe it’s a stroll along her worked out midriff that does it for you. Her outstandingly inspiring female form is like a map of extreme adventure. Did I mention damn already? I hate to curse, I can still feel the ringing in my ears from a cuff to the head by Sister Mary Alice, but Michelle Lewin makes me feel that much closer to he who endowed me with the spirit of mating. I need a chew towel. This is getting out of control. Michelle Lewin, you need to be registered as a lethal weapon. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Splash

Michelle Lewin's Thumper Is Too Magical Not to Touch