Sam Robeson - June 27, 2017
Serena Williams covers the August issue of Vanity Fair with barely covered tits and a distended womb. Motherhood is beautiful. Photographer Annie Leibovitz has been jonesing to capture the essence of a pregnant linebacker.
Hollywood's elite has benefited from the prerequisite naked pregnancy picture for decades. Now these magazine covers are more a defiant stance against the male gaze than a chance for an airbrushed Demi Moore to flaunt her mangled milk bags. The thirty-five-year-old Williams needs an opportunity to "slam" the h8ers or else we'll all realize she's one of The Rock's skin tags come to life. Countdown to a progressive witch hunt targeting some vocal Twitter user with eyes. "1/2 @serenawilliams when you downed the entire contents of a GNC store did you grow a dick?" "2/2 and @serenawilliams did you fuck yourself with that dick to get pregnant?"
Yes. Vanity Fair magazine is the chosen masturbatory aid for the who's who of Hollywood. Roll up the latest issue and use it as a Fleshlight or shove it up your taint. Tom Cruise buys ten at a time. The ass-kissing interviews make Late Night with Jimmy Fallon look like a Guantanamo Bay interrogation room. In case you're interested in how thin air would read in a magazine, Williams opens up about learning that she's about to spawn:
(I) did a double take and my heart dropped. Like literally it dropped. ‘Oh my God, this can’t be — I’ve got to play a tournament. How am I going to play the Australian Open? I had planned on winning Wimbledon (her third straight) this year.
Overconfident women are such a turn on. On still not believing that she's pregnant:
It just doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why. ‘Am I having a baby?’ I don’t know what to do with a baby. I have nothing… I’ve done absolutely nothing for the baby room.
Williams is also making headlines for slamming statements made by John McEnroe. After being told by interviewer Garcia-Navarro from NPR that "Williams is the best tennis player in the world," McEnroe choked out:
If she played the men’s circuit she’d be like 700 in the world... On a given day, Serena could beat some players. I believe because she’s so incredibly strong mentally that she could overcome some situations where players would choke... But if she had to just play the circuit — the men’s circuit — that would be an entirely different story.
To which Williams later Tweeted:
Dear John I adore and respect you but please please keep me out of your statements that are not factually based. I’ve never played anyone ranked ‘there’ nor do I have time. Respect me and my privacy as I’m trying to have a baby. Good day sir.
Here lies Jon McEnroe, the h8er who got clapped back to death. Also, a guy telling the unvarnished truth based on forty years in the business. Hopefully he left us before having to look at Serena's naked body.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair