Selena Gomez Pictures From Her Music Video Shoot Make Me Want to Squirsh Her Bieber

Look, I've gotten several letters from people claiming that I'm jealous of a bubble-gum singing dwarf, who may, okay, be worth close to $100 million according to recent reports. Well, I don't care how rich Sneezy gets, Selena Gomez will be mine, simply based on lust factor alone. Who else will worship this barely legal Latina while she does such things as film her latest music video on the beach in a pair of Daisy Dukes that I would gladly dismantle from her delightful derriere? She must know that songboy Stuart Little will be gone with the wind once he turns eighteen, takes control of his duckets, and he's free to move to Gstaad and body fondue with a versatile top ski instructor named Bernhard. Selena, call me. Our romance will last a lifetime of forty-eight-second-long passionate moments. Enjoy.

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