Satan Endorses Nick Cage

I've often wondered how Nicolas Cage has a career. Simply giving the glib answer that he's a Coppola isn't a good enough reason. There are plenty of Coppolas that didn't amount to much, (cough, cough Roman cough, cough). But not only has Nick Cage been successful he's been incredibly successful. As time has gone by I've come to the conclusion that Nick Cage sold his soul to Satan in exchange for eternal life and fame and fortune. The evidence that he's an immortal is striking but there has never been clear proof of his connection to the dark lord...until now. Satan himself gave a positive blurb for Nick's new movie Left Behind. In the movie he plays an airline pilot who is flying a plane when the rapture happens. He then gets caught up in the whole Book of Revelation hoobajoob. Satan does not want you to see this movie if you aren't a Christian. He says:

"Please do not bring unbelievers to this movie- Satan"

Apparently, it's so powerful you can't not accept Jesus as your Lord and savior. I don't understand why they remade Left Behind. There is a perfectly awesome film version starring Kirk Cameron. That one, however, did not get the Satanic seal of approval.