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Saint Valentine Is Dead

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bill-swift - February 15, 2014

Today is Valentine's Day, the special holiday in which you are expected to spend a bunch of money on flowers and chocolates to show your love to your wife and or girlfriend. Woe be to you if you don't have something by today...woe be to you. But just what is this day of St. Valentine? Is it just something that greeting card companies made up to sell chintzy cards? No, it actually goes back almost 2000 years. There was this dude named Valentine that lived in the second century CE Rome. He was a priest back when Christians were regularly fed to lions and other beasties. The emperor Claudius was fighting a war and believed that soldiers fought better if they were single. Which is nonsense because married people often desire to kill things.

Anyway, Saint Valentine conducted weddings in secret in the sewers underneath Rome. I can honestly say that I would rather not get married than have my wedding with millions of turds floating by. Valentine was arrested and sentenced to death. The people of Rome appealed to the emperor to release Valentine because he was a nice guy. Then Valentine made a huge mistake. He decided to try and convert the emperor. But Claudius wasn't about to give up all those orgies and paganism. So, Valentine was tortured slowly and horribly and beheaded. So, today when you are eating dinner with your sweetheart remember St. Valentine's bloody severed head. Happy Valentine's Day!

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