Gaming’s Whacked-Out Week: January 4

Dead Space 3, with its unparallelled proclivity for sudden, loud encroachments by ghastly mutated things from the fetid folds of the devil’s foreskin, will probably induce a choice expletive or two from players. This week, Executive Producer Steve Papoutsis pledged that the game will put your swears to good use via the canny capacities of Kinect. As he proclaimed to Kotaku, “We actually have some commands that people will need to figure out... there are commands where you might be in a certain situation and you might yell a specific expletive and it might behave in a way that you want it to." Further, rudimentary voice commands will be implemented in co-op mode. YOU ARE THE CONTROLLER, Kinect alleged in the commercials. No, no, YOU ARE A HEAP OF HORSESHIT, we replied in a derisive manner. At this juncture, nobody cares to elaborate further on how this functionality will augment the Dead Space 3 experience. Suffice it to say, though, that Kinect has sucked giant gorilla gonads since its inception, and the wonders of Dead Space would be a fine arena for wiener-waving display of non-craptacular. It’s certainly overdue.

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