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Unwinnable’s ‘Croftian Measurements’ is an ode to a childhood spent in pursuit of Lara’s mamtastic. They were, we’ll concede, the first pair many of us ever saw (even if they did look like shit), but did we instigate an I.T class leering club in their honor? We didn’t, but this dude did. “...there was a small group of boys I knew, collectively known as “The Brotherhood of Nod,” who scoured the internet in search of the fabled nude shot of Lara Croft,” he writes. (Mammary memories of a cheat code that didn’t exist ensue). The conclusion was, “The confusing recognition of Lara Croft’s sexual attractiveness that I experienced was the psychological stirring of a prepubescent sexuality. The tasteful nudie shots were simply a digital window through which I glimpsed a primitive desire I would not meet for several years to come.” It’s the most absurd article-ing we’ve seen this week. Still, should you wish for some insight into how Lara grasped the balls of the world and thrust us all into puberty back in the days of yore, get to link-clicking.