Candice Swanepoel Bikini Booty Lifeguard Sextastic in Malibu

I'm not exactly sure why Candice Swanepoel and her Our Lady of Swanepoel bikini booty was working the lifeguard tower in Malibu, I only know it sent me rushing into the ocean to drown just enough to require her mouth to mouth. Or, you know, mouth to whatever might bring me back from the light. Sadly, Candice didn't seem to notice my floundering, what with a million eyeballs leering at her ridiculously hot bikini body in display up on the wooden stand.

Candice Swanepoel isn't just a bikini model, she's a bikini goddess. She was born to pimp bikinis with her outstanding female form. It's a gift from on high that Candice has done anything but forsake. I know the Baywatch lifeguard girls were a bit bustier, but I'll take a streamlined Candice bikini body any day of the week, and twice on Sundays. Oh, Candice, you are the wind beneath my hard-ons. Enjoy.

Alyssa Barbara’s Nips And Other Fine Things To Ogle

Alyssa Barbara must be really cold. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sara Malakul Lane's sideboob makes life good. (Hollywood Tuna)

Is that REALLY Beyonce's thigh gap? (The Superficial)

Hannah Ferguson is one hot cheerleader. (COED)

Jenny McCarthy has some big old funbags, ya'll. (Dlisted)

Photos emerge of Daniele Watts doing her boyfriend before her arrest. (TMZ)

Toni Garrn in a bikini makes me very happy. (WWTDD)

Dannii Minogue Faptastic and Forties for Aussie Points

Dannil Minogue like her sister definitely sits on my list of veteran hotties I'd love to take to some swank affair and fool around with in an upstairs room. She's just looking as hot as ever in her latest pictorial in InStyle magazine.

Though sister Kylie gets more worldwide attention, Dannii has forged her own path of the sextastic, the brunette perhaps underrated, but never over-fapped to, as if that were possible. There's nothing finer than a mature woman who knows how great she looks. Oh, the things she could teach me during some private lesson time. Dannii, let's do it like your sister would. Enjoy.

Micaela Schaefer Topless at Brandenburg Gate to Ring in Octoberfest

 

I'm never exactly clear why German actress and model Micaela Schaefer is topless at any given time in the middle of the public square. It seems to be perfectly legal in Berlin and Micaela seems to perfectly love doing it. I can't imagine the German citizens or tourists complain too much either. Her funbags might even be more widely recognized now than the Brandenburg Gate, the former East-West Cold War portal where Micaela stood pimping something with her mighty ta's.

Being that it's nearly October and Micaela is hoisting two large mugs of the good stuff, along with her own two large mugs of the milky stuff, I'm going to assume this was Octoberfest related. If you've never been to Germany during that time of year and spent an evening in a beer garden, I'd highly recommend the experience. If you can do so while motorboating Micaela Schaefer, I'd increase my high recommendation to a must-experience on Fodor's list of things to do in Europe. Go on, you deserve it. Enjoy.

Ana Braga Frontrunning with Her Beautiful Backside

I might give Ana Braga a pass for jumping on the Bears bandwagon so quickly after one comeback victory, mostly just because I'm so happy staring at her hot thumper in those tiny shorts as she stretches in the part. I'm not exactly sure how Ana came to be a Bears fan, but being a big Windy City proponent, I would not be too dismayed if Brazilian hotties suddenly started donning skimpy bits of Chicago sports team wear.

Ana has become a staple of bikini body hotness along the beaches, trails, and parks around Miami. Every time she dips her asstastic skyward, the sun and moon have a battle over who can spank her naughty bottom first. I'd like to jump into that celestial fray myself. Ana, whatever you're doing to keep that sextastic body of yours in shape, it's working. Keep up the good work. Enjoy.

Paris Hilton Short Skirts Reveal Long Shopping Legs

Once again, Billionaire Barbie wins. No, not that stupid miniature dog she bought for eight billion dollars. I'm talking about her fine legs in a short skirt. For all we make fun of the blonde heiress named Paris, she does keep herself in tip top exhibitionist shape. A bit slender, but given her background, fairly nature. But be it international party meccas, or just parking her Ferrari for some Beverly Hills shopping, she always looks like one million dollars. Almost exactly.

Nobody has more fun than Billionaire Barbie. I'd probably choose rusty nail to the frontal lobe over being her boyfriend, but thankfully I'll probably never be posed with that specific option. Still, those legs. Something good to come out of this oppressive heat wave. Nothing wrong with tall and blonde and leggy. Nothing at all. Enjoy.

Camille Rowe Bikini Photoshoot Drops the Sextastic Bomb on L.A. Beaches

As you know, I'm heels over head in lust with Camille Rowe, the French addition to the V.S. arsenal of hotties. Camille is in my hood shooting a bikini catalog thingee and just looking all kinds of alluring and ridiculously sextastic shimmying her world class bikini booty in and out of shorts and bottoms for the camera.

Camille Rowe is the kind of girl I'd leave my wife for. I don't have a wife, but I might just get married so I can leave my wife for Camille, then naturally beg to come back two weeks later when Camille learns I'm not really the guy who invented Lasik who's sitting on trademark gold. Life really gets complicated when pretty women become a part of your world. Still, completely worthwhile. Camille, every time you squeeze a butt cheek my heart stops for a solid fifteen seconds. It's scary, but nice. Enjoy.