Lex Jurgen - May 23, 2017
Since somebody mentioned Orlando Bloom might be gay a decade ago, he's made it his mission to fuck the living shit out of the world's good looking 20-something women. A dramatic response, but there is a ton of fucking involved, so it beats angry Tweeting.
Orlando Bloom hit on a waitress getting off work from the bar at the Chiltern Firehouse hotel where he was staying in London. Within three seconds had her up in his room preparing for emotionally empty penetration. According to an anonymous source who can only possibly be either the chick he fucked who also happens to be an aspiring model and actress:
“After her shift on the Friday night, she got changed into normal clothes, left the bar, and bumped into Orlando outside. They chatted and he asked her to join him in his room for a drink. Of course, she said, ‘Yes.’”
As if there was even a chance she wouldn't want to fuck Orlando Bloom after two minutes of small talk about how she should look him up if she ever comes to L.A. to try to be in the pictures.
The waitress, Viviana Ross, decided to lounge in bed the morning after while Bloom made up an excuse to leave, because cuddling and breakfast are for guys not looking to set coitus records. Ross was discovered naked in the room by one of the hotel managers who promptly fired her for fraternizing with hotel and bar clients. None of that seems like it happens in real life. Not since The Reformation, and even then establishments probably gave a pass to their opportunistic loose waitresses.
That know-it-all anonymous source summed up the cost-benefit in relation to her firing:
"It was one amazing night with incredible sex that Viviana wanted to be a good memory.”
Orland Bloom got Ross' number from Chiltern which seems like it would be super illegal and called the fired waitress to apologize. Also, to let her know, on a slow night, he might call her back to sit on his dick. But no promises.
Everything you thought you knew about a guy changes the minute you find out he's just a guy who wants to fuck a bunch of women just like you. This must be how women admire the lady at the store who's exceptionally savvy with her coupons. Respect, Legolas.
Photo Credit: @iamvivianaross / Instagram
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