OohLaLa! French Court Blocks Kate Middleton Pics. But I Thought the French and English Hated Each Other?

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bill-swift - September 19, 2012

Ce n'est pas bien! What's all this then? The French and English getting along with another. Why, that's if the Hutus and Tutsi's sat down for a friendly beer. Then what would Hotel Rwanda have been about? But that's just what happened when a French court 'upheld an injunction blocking the resale and republication of topless photos of Kate Middleton.' This means that the magazine that originally published the photos, Closer, would be prevented from reproducing them in its print or digital versions.

If there's one thing you can usually count on, it's the French hating the Brits for being posh and uptight, and the Brits hating the French for being lazy and carnal. It's stereotypes like that that have defined nearly a thousand years of fighting between the two former world powers. Since William the Conqueror stormed the shores of Hastings to turns the Saxons into franchophiles, we've been blessed with a millenia of enmity. And are we really going to let a few topless photos get these two European countries to kiss and make-up?

That's why I want to remind you and everyone why they should hate each other so much with some of their most important feuds throughout history with a little timeline I like to call 'Bollocks vs. Bonjour'.

1066; The Battle of Hastings and the Norman Conquest: Before the Crusades came along to unite France and England against, the two countries found themselves at odds when a French Duke not only won control of the country when he landed on its shores, but brought most of his country's inhabitants with him, turning England into some kind of primordial French-section of Epcot Center, changing the way the country was run.

1101-1120; Anglo-French Wars: A series of wars leftover from the aftermath of the Norman Conquest between two brothers who ruled England and Normandy and still couldn't get along. It was like the dvd extras of a season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians when they show all the unused footage of Rob Kardashian and Kourtney's baby daddy arguing.

1337-1453; The Hundred Years War: You know two countries really hate each other when they decide to start fighting a war in which the original combatants and their children are all already dead by the time their grand-children try to wrap things up.

1754-1763; The French and Indian War: We call it this but it really should be called the 'England and France get Native Americans to kick ass for them War' because that's essentially what was going on when the two countries battled over the country that would become the United States. France ended up losing but still held on to Louisiana and Canada. The Canada thing might've been a joke played by the British on them though, it's still up in the air. The best thing to come out of this conflict was Daniel Day-Lewis in Michael Mann's The Last of the Mohicans.

1776-1783; The American Revolution: Perhaps you've heard of this one? France was still pissed at England for that whole 'kicking them out of American thing' and decided that it would side with a bunch of farmers in order to go against the mightiest army in the world. And I think you know how this one turned out.

1803-1815; The Napoleonic Wars: Just as France was finally getting the hang of the whole 'democracy thing' a short guy with such low self-esteem they had to name a complex after him decided to take over the whole country and attempt to conquer Europe. England was all like, 'Wait, that's our job, you Oompa Loompa you!' and helped rally most of Europe against Emperor Napoleon. The saddest part of this story is that Bill and Ted could've warned Napoleon what would happen to him but decided to just use him to ace an exam they'd procrastinated studying for until the last minute.

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