One Direction Movie Tops Weekend Box Office and I Completely Give Up.

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bill-swift - September 4, 2013

Common mythology dictates that there will be Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Conquest (the White Horse), War (the Red Horse), Famine (the Black Horse), and Death (the Pale Horse). They are wrong, however, there are, indeed, five. Collectively known as One Direction: Niall (the Normally-Named But Spelled Differently), Zayn (the Actually Weird-Named One), Liam (the Who Gives a Shit), Harry (the Whatever), and Louis (the Ugh) and they destroyed the box office this past weekend with This Is Us, their autobiobic.

Ok, 'destroyed' is such a strong word. They made roughly $20 million in one weekend, taking over the top spot in what was already a kind of paltry slate on a notoriously bad weekend. But, the fact that the flick wasn't shunned, tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail proves that we've crossed a line. That line? Well we can now expect boy band movies to be the norm. We can expect dogs and cats to start living together. Mass. Hysteria.

With This Is Us, they've managed to confirm that we do have one direction, ever downward and every closer to the Apocalypse. The nadir of human culture and the apex of poor taste.

Seriously, this will be us really soon:

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