On Medieval Rocket Cat Warfare

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bill-swift - March 8, 2014

Let's say that you are a medieval prince battling your neighbors in Germany. You could use the conventional arms of the day, like catapults, siege weapons, and the pox, but that's only going to get you so far. What you need is something that's going to put your warriors over the edge. Well, all you needed to do was hire artillery master Franz Helm and his rocket cats. In a recently discovered manuscript from the 1530's, there are illustrations of what appear to be kitty cats with rocket packs on their backs. The idea was to unleash these beasts of mass destruction so that they run into a town or castle and set it on fire. Helm explains,

"Create a small sack like a fire-arrow . if you would like to get at a town or castle, seek to obtain a cat from that place. And bind the sack to the back of the cat, ignite it, let it glow well and thereafter let the cat go, so it runs to the nearest castle or town, and out of fear it thinks to hide itself where it ends up in barn hay or straw it will be ignited."

This seems cruel, and it totally is, but it does bring up a possibility of using kitties in warfare. You could set up a sort of rocket pack exoskeleton that could fly into an Al Qaeda camp and shoot missiles at our nation's enemies. Something that would protect them from harm but unleash holy hell on the target. Why use cats instead of unmanned drones? Aggression. Cats are mean animals full of hate and destruction, especially early in the morning when they want their num nums. I think the pentagon should look into this.

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