Insane Former Congressman Jailed

Michael Grimm has led an interesting life. He's a former Marine who once made a living as an undercover detective, pretending to be a corrupt stock broker so he could oust the dirty birdies on Wall Street who were ripping off the American public. 

He then became a two time congressman who represented Staten Island's district and opened a little restaurant called Healthalicious as a side project. 

This had all the makings of a good story but it turned out Grimm was a psychopath who was laundering huge amounts of campaign funding through his crappy front business which was known for having terrible falafel. 

As the numbers started looking a little fudgy even by Bernie Madoff's standards, people started to talk. That's when Grimm threatened, on camera, to maim a television newsman who asked him about the investigation into his finances: 

"Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again, I'll throw you off this f#!%ing balcony. If you ever do that to me again... No, no, you're not man enough. You are not man enough. I'll break you in half. Like a boy."

When the federal sleuths tallied some receipts and realized a smoothie doesn't cost six figures, Grimm was arrested for campaign finance fraud at which point he promptly perjured himself, which isn't as pleasurable as it sounds. 

He's now long resigned and has just been sentenced to eight months in prison, a pretty great deal considering you can get ten years for having a joint in your pocket. 

He will no doubt change his ways and go on a speaking tour of empty community college cafeterias. 

Act like you've been there before. It's a tough town, kid.