Memo to Disney: Make a Muppets Star Wars Movie

Dear Disney,

You own a lot of properties, congratulations! Let me give you a worthwhile suggestion for what to do with two of them. You see, Disney, the fan base that you’re alienating the most these days are the OT fans who grew up in the 70s and 80s, and there’s a sure fire way to get back in our good graces. Make a Muppets Star Wars movie.

Don’t give us any more origin stories for beloved characters or side quests or single sentences from opening crawls stretched to feature length. Start combining your studios and properties and give them to people who will treat them with respect and care. Let Pixar do a Marvel movie. Let Disney Animation do a classically animated Spider-Man flick like the old 60s cartoon. And most importantly, let the Muppets do a Star Wars movie. 

Mash-up the entire original trilogy into one flick, ninety minutes, hit the high points, and get the hell out of there with a lean mean parody-homage machine. The blueprints are kinda already there. They’ve made a series of badass figures with the following character lineup…

Kermit—Luke Skywalker

Piggy—Princess Leia

Link Hogthrob—Han Solo

Fozzie—Chewbacca

Sam the Eagle—Obi-Wan Kenobi

Gonzo—Darth Vader

Uncle Deadly—The Emperor

Rizzo the Rat—Yoda

Scooter—Lando Calrissian

Animal—Boba Fett

Bunson Honeydew—R2D2

Beaker—C3PO

Okay, so let’s fill out the roster.

You’ve obviously got The Electric Mayhem as the Cantina Band, though that would diminish their role somewhat. Maybe it’s more of a local watering hole that the characters frequent. Anything to give Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Zoot, and Janice more screen time.

Sweetums is another tough one to cast. He kinda makes the most sense as a Bantha, but again that would be a waste. Maybe Jabba?

Then there’s Rowlf, we can’t forget about Rowlf. On Muppet Babies, Rowlf was Obi-Wan, but Sam the Eagle makes better sense as Obi-Wan. Maybe Rowlf could be Grand Moff Tarkin. I mean, it’s a good role. Maybe not suited to a song and dance man, but then again, Fozzie’s playing a Wookie, so there’s that. You know what, let's switch Rowlf and Scooter. Rowlf is Lando and Scooter is GMT.

Statler & Waldorf would be great as Imperial Admirals like Motti and Ozzel who mock Vader and get choked out. 

Then you’ve got some third tier players who are deserving of a spot in the film like Lew Zealand, Crazy Harry, Beauregard, Mahna Mahna and the Snowths, Dr. Julius Strangepork, and Wayne & Wanda. The possibilities are endless. Wayne would make a great Biggs, Julius Strangepork can be Jan Dodonna, we could be here all day doing this.

Look Disney, we know that you don't understand Gen X-ers. You never did. Now, listen when we tell you how you can make us happy again. Take these two beloved properties from our childhood and mash them up in the most glorious manner imaginable. And release it theatrically too, none of this direct to streaming crap. Honestly, it's the least you guys could do.