Maria Menounos is Perfect in Pink (She’s Perfect in Anything)

Someday, Maria Menounos, you'll be texting me naughty little messages during your breaks on the set of Extra. Little tidbits of intimate need-to-knows like 'No Panteez Rite Now' and 'Home @6, clothes off @6:03' and 'LOL, U R so funny I want to bang hell out of you'. And I will write back, 'Stop fucking with me Moron' because I'll know it's just my friend Marty Shinpants effin' with my mind with more fake texts. Still, for that half-second before my rational mind kicks in, I will be in Heaven.

I love you, Maria. Someday, when you see my three-story indoor shrine to you, the elaborate tattoos of you and me riding a unicorn in the sky on my body, and the hair of yours that fell off at The Grove that I wear baked into a clay amulet around my neck 24x7, that I'm not like all your other stalkers. I'm the biggest. Enjoy.