CELEBRITY

Madonna Demands Her Worn Panties Back

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Lex Jurgen - July 19, 2017

Madonna filed a lawsuit against an online auction site from brokering offers for her panties. It's like Sixteen Candles, or Hot Zone, since they were a previously worn pair and supposedly in CDC deep freeze.

GottaHaveRockandRoll.com and E. 57th St. Auction House somehow came into possession of boxes of Madonna's private correspondences and toiletry items from the early and mid 90's and put them up for bid. The panties were the headline, but included were a private note from Tupac Shakur in prison explaining to Madonna why he could politically no longer date an old white woman, some letters lamenting how Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone were overrated, and some raunchy private photos from Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour. Also, a used hair brush. You're going to want to track the guy who wins that item.

Madonna's attorney claims the items were stolen from Madonna's home in Miami during packing and moving by her then assistant, Darlene Lutz. It's hard to find friends to help you move when you don't know any straight men. Also, Darlene Lutz sounds like an incredibly fake name.

Madonna's attorney only demanded a halt to the sale of some of the items on the auction list, under the pretext they were super personal and highly embarrassing. Which makes you wonder if she can prove the items were stolen. The judge granted Madonna an emergency stay on the auction until more chain of title on the panties could be provided. Start with the STD sniffing dogs. Unlucky bastards.

If you ever want to feel bad for shameless rich old crone celebrities with shopping bags full of unattended children, now would be the time. Opportunistic people picking through your personal shit looking to make a buck has to be a remarkably unsettling feeling. Imagine finding your H&R Block guy rifling through your worn shorts in the hamper. Or somebody selling your YouPorn browsing history online. Minus YouPorn themselves who is currently doing that. Money's good. Fame sucks. The Man killed Tupac for fucking white. 

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