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TV & FILM

Little Creatures/Big Brawlers Round Three: Tom Thumb vs Tinker Bell

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bill-swift - October 13, 2012

As you all know by now, as we gear up towards the return of Hobbits and Elves in December's The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, we've begun our tournament of little champions to see who will survive to face off against the Hobbits in the final round of Little Creatures/Big Brawlers just before the film's release.

To recap last week, we watched the Ewoks go tiny toe-to-toe with those thieving temporal tidbits, the Time Bandits and even though the Endorians had the brawn, the Bandits had the brains, which put them over the top. The lesson to be learned was that when push comes to shove, fight dirty.

Today we move onto Round Three of our miniscule showdown of the biggest little fighters in the world. Will a thumbs up for victory go to two-incher Tom Thumb or the mini-dress wearing, tight-lipped fairy fighter Tinker Bell? Let's find out.

Tinker Bell - I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to Tinker Bell's legs. That green skirt rides up pretty high. It's a distracting weapon that men are powerless to. However, it also doesn't exactly give her the best flexibility and shame and embarrassment certainly comes into play. That's where the wings come in, providing a powerful advantage. And how would you like some pixie dust in your eye. Stings doesn't it?

Tom Thumb - The weird thing about Tom's story is that he was birthed from the diamond hoo-hah of a normal sized woman. But that's a Oedipal psychological dissertation for another day. What Tom lacks in strength, he makes up for in craft and wit. He's fought ravens, mice and even a giant and lived to tell the tale simply by surviving on his street smarts. And the Monopoly-piece sized Tom spent much time at the Royal Court, drinking hard and getting horizontal with women who have vibrator's three times Tom's size, so clearly the kid's got something.

And the winner is...

This one wasn't even close. And I'm not just playing favorites because I've fantasized about using the machine from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids to spend a night in NeverNeverLand learning how to fly in and out of Tink, but the fairy wins this round. Even if Tom gave it his all and somehow got the physical advantage by clipping her wings, everyone knows that a fairy can come back to life simply by clapping really loudly. And at an event like this, the crowd's going to be up on their feet which basically grants the microscopic blond basic immortality. Sorry Tom, better luck next time.

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