Little Creatures-Big Brawlers Round Five: Gwildor vs Willow

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bill-swift - October 27, 2012

Wow. Four weeks in to the Little Creatures-Big Brawlers Tournament of Champions already. Things are moving pretty quick through these opening rounds before we finally move on to the semi-finals to see who will eventually face off against the Hobbits in time for December's The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey to see who is truly King of the Mountain. Or, should I say King of the Hill. Or, Dwarf of the Slight Incline.

To recap last week, we watched those minstrels of misery, chocolatier champions the Oompa Loompas lay waste to the Hiberian Horror, the Evil of the Emerald Isle, the Leprechaun in a bout that ended with a catchy song about the little fella's avarice and greed. The Leprechaun learned the hard way that you should never get in the ring with someone who clearly has a cocaine addiction and have no compunction throwing children to their deaths. He should just be happy he wasn't turned into a big, green everlasting gobstopper.

Today we move onto Round Five of our miniscule showdown of the biggest little fighters in the world. Will Gwildor become the master of his own tiny universe? Or will Willow get madder than Madmartigan and take on his opponent with more fury than Queen Bavmorda has against babies prophesized to lead to her downfall. Let's check in with our two competitors to find out.

Gwildor - Known throughout Eternia as a famous inventor and locksmith, Gwildor is as good as sending you hurtling through another dimension as he his breaking into your parent's liquor cabinet. But it's the former that concerns us today, for Gwildor, let's face it, is possibly the least agile, least properly proportioned fighter we've seen yet. He's not too quick on his feet and has a face that looks like a Dali painting about melting vaginas. But he does have one thing on his side, and that's the Cosmic Key, a device able to transport him away from any sticky situation should the fight turn ugly for the even uglier creature.

Willow - Willow is in now way supposed to be a ripoff of Frodo Baggins. Right, George Lucas? His story and character doesn't even remotely mirror that of the Hobbit, right, Ron Howard? Anyway, if there's one thing this little guy's got a lot of, it's heart. And heart goes a long way in the ring. Ever seen Cinderella Man. You keep food away from Russel Crowe'sever-fattening face and he'll clobber you. Willow proved himself quick on his feet, full of wit and not afraid of anything (though if he saw what Madmartigan looked like now, he might turn way in fear--Yeesh, Val Kimer).

And the winner is...

You'd think that with a device capable of sending your body into space and time, this would totally be Gwildor's fight to own. Unfortunately, the little fella is pretty damn tone deaf and couldn't figure out the right notes to play on the Cosmic Key, which meant he was stuck in the ring for all ten bloody rounds as Frodo Willow laid an assault upon his Lilliputian body unlike which you have never seen! And although he nearly choked on Gwildor's red beard at one point, after being told that Gwildor knew where to find the child Elora Danan, Willow hacked up a hairball and finished the Etonian off with a fist through the skull.

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