Sam Robeson - September 29, 2017
If you liked the 2000's Charlie's Angels movie scene featuring Cameron Diaz dancing in her underwear, but were secretly gunning for Oscar the Grouch to fulfill the fantasy instead, you're in luck. Parking lot tampon Kristen Stewart is allegedly being considered to "play one of the members of the female private detective agency" in the upcoming franchise reboot, according to Variety.
The new Charlie's Angels is set to debut in the summer of 2019, and Elizabeth Banks will be at the helm. She has a lot of experience directing one movie so this project's sure to be good. Considering recent reboots have opened up previous male roles to the opposite gender - and Stewart barely has one - I wouldn't be surprised if she was cast as Bosley. Or a janitor. Or a parking meter. Something that utilizes her unbridled talent and makes woke audiences think: "Society's got a long way to go, but we're making progress. One unwatchable movie at a time."
What would be surprising is if Stewart is actually cast as a spunky seductress using brains, martial arts prowess, and, above all else, high-bangability to take down the baddies. Surprising. And impossible. This is what I get for complaining that Gal Gadot is too sexy to be a feminist superhero. Crime-fighting Pig-Pen.
Photo Credit: Backgrid, Columbia Pictures