Kirk Douglas Wants You to Stop Tweeting and Get Off His Lawn

The venerable 96 year old legend of screen and stage, Kirk Douglas, would like you to know that he doesn't understand technology. He'd also like you to be careful using it. He'd also like you to get the f*ck off his lawn.

Douglas, father of everyone's favorite cunning linguist Michael Douglas, penned a rant on Huffington Post so utterly insane that you'd have to be in the internet industry to truly appreciate and exploit it. Check it.

Among the things that get Douglas all riled-up are people talking on cell phones (anywhere, not just in public) people walking, people talking, and his grandson sticking his head under tables. He also readily admits to becoming a Spider Solitaire addict. His addiction was so bad, apparently, he was paranoid about blowing up his computer. Sad times indeed. Shame on you HuffPo for giving us the best laugh-cry we've had in ages.

Anyone remember Old Yeller? Mr. Douglas, there's the back of a barn we'd like to show you.