Sam Robeson - May 9, 2018
Well thank you so much Justin Bieber. My shitty and futile existence as a non-celebrity is finally validated now that suicidal cult-following broken inside pop starlet Justin Bieber has told us that we shouldn't be jealous of people who have everything. In the wake of The Capital from The Hunger Games-themed Met Gala, Bieber posted the message on Instagram:
HEY WORLD THAT GLAMOROUS LIFESTYLE YOU SEE PORTRAYED BY FAMOUS PEOPLE ON INSTAGRAM DON'T BE FOOLED THINKING THEIR LIFE IS BETTER THAN YOUR I CAN PROMISE YOU IT'S NOT!
Assuming "I CAN PROMISE YOU" insinuates this wisdom comes from experience. Bieber was a guaranteed multimillionaire from the second Usher decided that his ~type~ is warbling prepubescent lesbian Canadians on YouTube. At the end of 2017 Bieber was renting a mansion for $55K a month and now he's rumored to be in talks to purchase a place in Brentwood for $10.9M. If he doesn't blow all his money on his expansive religious Pigeon Forge souvenir blanket-themed tattoos, he'll be set for life.
I get that we all take things for granted, that money doesn't buy happiness, and that I should be ecstatic about the fact I can tell you every brand of frozen pizza at Target. Being poor is a blast. But I don't need for a celebrity who does meth ALLEGEDLY off Selena Gomez's big fake tits ALLEGEDLY in his $450K car to preach the virtues of the plebian lifestyle. If a celeb's life isn't exponentially better than mine, then that's completely on them, because if you have millions of dollars and can't get your shit together enough to enjoy it, you really do deserve to die. Offset the pressures of celebritydom with a therapist or give all the money away to charity and go work at Taco Bell. But whatever you do, don't bitch about it. Try flying coach Justin. There's no Jesus in coach.
Photo Credit: Selena Gomez from Splash News / Backgrid USA / Pacific Coast News
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