bill-swift - September 12, 2012
An explosive impact that occurerd on Jupiter yesterday was so powerful that it was visible to even an amateur astrologer here on the third rock from the sun. Luckily, Jupiter is a gas giant and a comet or asteroid that hits the planet has little lasting damage. If this were to happen on Earth however...Well, you remember dinosaurs (for those who believe in evolution)? Look what happened to them.
So if you don't want to end up getting dug up in 60 million years by whatever we evolved into and turned into oil to power their flying cars, you need to start preparing your asteroid bunkers now. If you're going to survive Earth 2.0, here are a couple things you need to include in your Asteroid Impact Survival Kit.
1. Water Cooler: Obviously clean drinking water is going to be important down in your bunker. This is like Y2K to the max and remember how everyone was stocking up on bottled water when they thought a single digit wasn't going to show up on a computer? Now you could go the obvious route with the bottles, BUT, I suggest just getting a water cooler. It'll add some style to your bunker and give you a place to hang around with everyone else to talk about the TV you watched the night before. That's why they call them water cooler shows, people.
2. TV DVD Boxsets: Boredom is going to be a problem. You're going to have a lot of spare time on your hands, so how are you going to fill it in between fending off mutant attackers I Am Legend-style, so as everyone knows, the easiest way to eat up weeks of your life is with boxsets of TV shows like Breaking Bad, Lost, Mad Men, etc.
3. Shake-A-Weight: Muscle atrophy is going to be a problem in your bunker. There will be very little room to move around and exercise, so how are you going to stay fit for when the day comes to crawl out onto the red Earth? You're going to use the very space-efficient Shake-a-Weight. Not only will it keep you in shape, but it'll also exercise the specific muscles you'll need to 'take care of yourself' when your alone in a bunker for years at a time without your fake internet girlfriend around.
4. The Cast of 'Who's Line is it Anyway?': Again, how to kill time when time is all you have in the world? Board games will get old. Eventually you'll laptop batteries will die. So how to keep yourself occupied? Pack the cast of the legendary improv television into your bunker with you to keep you and your friends laughing for hours. And now that Drew Carey has lost all that weight, it'll be easy to fit them all in there.
5. Glasses w/ Windshield Wipers: There's going to be a lot of dust floating around in the air after all this goes down, making it incredibly difficult to see. It'll be just like that sandstorm scene in Mission Impossible 4, minus the whole scaling the world's tallest building without any equipment thing. So stock up on something like ski goggles, or a facemask, or if you want to keep your sense of humor, those glasses they made with windshield wipers on them.