Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: River City Ransom

The late eighties/early nineties were the formative years of gaming. It’s kind of like our college days, where we decide if we’re going to be a lawyer/stockbroker/caricaturist at the mall/alcoholic/bisexual. Apparently, while video games were at college, they decided that what they were going to be was pretty effing violent.

This was the era of the side-scrolling beat 'em up. The Genesis had Golden Axe, Streets of Rage, the notoriously lisp-tastic Altered Beast (wise fwom your gwave!) and so forth. You’d find them jostling for school-truanting youths’ attention in arcades with Final Fight. The message was plain: if you want to cruise from left to right and punch bad dude face, games have you covered.
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Selena Gomez Bikini Pictures Hoisted Hottie in St. Tropez

What have we here. Our little Latina minx traveling around the Riviera this July in various ports of call and various revealing outfits.

Selena Gomez has made her way up from the Italian coast to the South of France and St. Tropez for a little bikini top fun time aboard one of the many yachts parked in the harbor. This reminds me both that I have mad passion for the petite Selena kitty as well as it's time to turn my coin collection in for another payment down on my own sea-faring vessel. The S.S. Egotastic!, a 22-foot ship of sea which by my abacus reckonings should be launching from her slip around 2037 if my payments continue at present rate. That'll be the day you see the likes of Selena Gomez, or you know, maybe her 19-year old daughter by then, smiling on the forecastle of my mini-clipper. I don't just dare to dream, it's all I do. Enjoy.

Pia Mia Perez Teen Cleavy for Charity Kickball, No Kidding

Pia Mia Perez is benefitting from being a Friend of the Jenners, being Kanye's protege (and maybe more), and looking like the absolutely perfect teen pop star for the current music landscape. Kanye has stated he's going to turn this seventeen year old into the next Rihanna. I tend to believe him. The look is already there. I've heard the music, it's, well, it's Rihanna in many ways. Make of that what you will.

The next natural step toward becoming the new Rihanna is obviously showing off what you got as often and everywhere as possible. Naturally, given her age, Pia can only show so much until September, but she's doing her part already with the push up things and the low cut things and the whole, I'm mature for my years thing. None of this happens by accident. It's all part of the program to build a teen girl audience by being the fantasy prototype. I suppose there will be many beneficiaries to Pia's ladder climbing. Shortly after she turns eighteen in September, I quite reckon we'll be one of those benefitting heavily. Enjoy.

Valeriya Planidina Topless Pimping Denim, As It Should Be

 

In my never ending effort to make sure you've seen the bare boobtastic of all the girls you see strutting the catwalk at Fashion Week and on the pages of fashion magazines you peruse while waiting in the dentists office, I present the quite delectable Russian model hottie Valeriya Planidina.

Valeriya is one of the fast rising stars of the haute couture and now featured in this topless pictorial by  Andrew Kuykendall for Galore Magazine. It's called 'Denim' because Valeriya's covered in denim. But it's the uncovered parts that intrigue me the most. So I might change the title to 'Ogle Worthy Hot Nekkid Lady Parts'. Sort of that glass is half full, half empty thing. In my perception, see incredibly sextastic women partially naked means the glass is totally full. I'm an optimist. A very horny optimist. Enjoy.

Claudia Romani Bikini Pictures Flash the Killer Tush in Leopard Print Thong

First, let me be clear about this. While those sandy marks on either of Claudia Romani's blessed cheeks do clearly resemble my little eager baby hands, I am nowhere near Miami Beach at the moment. As always, my alibi continues to be drunk and passed out in a strip club in Los Angeles where several girls named Savannah can vouch for my all night stay. Still, I wish those were the mark of my prurient paws for the mere touch of Claudia's booty is said to have the healing powers of the Fountain of Youth. Or at least two aspirin and a Viagra. Hot damn her blessed bottom makes me want to do extraordinarily stupid things.

As you know, once the laws of this land catch up to my internal moral compass, I shall take Claudia's killer tush and make it my bride. If a man can't love another woman's asstastic forever and ever, I don't know what love is. Truly I don't. My family already knows. But I want the entire world to know. I love Claudia Romani's butt! That was my Lloyd Dobler moment. Enjoy.

Kelly Brook Is All Booty And Cleavage in LA

English model and sexy beast Kelly Brook looked effing amazing in her tight workout clothes in Los Angeles. Kelly was on her way to the gym when the photog spotted her ginormous ta-tas bouncing down the street. You know you've got a crazy huge rack when normal clothes can no longer contain them. She's about to tear through that shirt Incredible Hulk style. The other thing you notice about this outfit is how absurdly awe inspiring her booty looks in her tight workout pants. Kelly is my kind of gal. I like a woman with shapely thighs and butt. Maybe it's the Latin man in me, but I wouldn't know what to do with one of these girls with no junk in the trunk. As the great philosopher Sir Mix-A-Lot once said, "I like big butts. I cannot lie".

If working for this site has taught me anything over the years is that I really need to find whatever gym all these hot models and actresses got to and get a membership. I can halfheartedly do the elliptical machine if it means I can see hot women in workout clothes.

Ludivine Sagna And Her Boobs Bikini On Miami Beach

Model and soccer player wife Ludivine Sagna looked redonkulously sexy in a small bikini on Miami Beach. Ludivine has pretty much a perfect body. There is not an ounce of fat or ugly on her. But her most prominent feature are her delectable funbags. Holy mother of boobs she has a nice rack! They are barely contained inside the confines of her bikini top. Much like a tiger or the wind or whatever her boobies cannot be restrained. She's got some serious cleav action going on. The bottom also reveals her perfectly crafted booty. It's a work of art, ya'll.

Ludivine is married in real life to soccer player Bacary Sagna. If watching the World Cup taught me anything it's that "footballers" have pretty stacked wives and girlfriends. I get that these guys are a big deal in other parts of the world and can therefor get the hottest women. It's just in America where no one gives much of a crap. I doubt our native soccer players could land a girl like Ludivine.