Sam Robeson - January 25, 2018
Well here's someone in need of a good ribbing. Even though his appearance is jarring. No but the self-described Human Ken Doll - real name Rodrigo Alves - is a walking abortion and a true affront to humanity, God, Jesus, Mother Nature, science, and eyeballs, and during a recent television appearance, carried his own ribs in a jar, as if to proudly say to the world "I'm severely emotionally scarred. Please help. I hate myself." The thirty-four-year-old Alves claims to have undergone sixty cosmetic procedures, all in hopes of looking like Barbie's fuck bud Ken. The difference being that rubbing their fingers over studly Ken's plastic bulge helped girls and gays discover their no-nos while one look at Human Ken Doll makes genitals disappear in a poof of smoke. And makes people commit seppuku.
I can't pretend to understand too much about the correlation between body dysmorphia and extreme body modification, but I have seen Kim Kardashian's Instagram, so I do have a little intel. What I do know is that this guy is tragic and horrifying. The kind of sympathetic villain in a horror movie that audiences pitty even though he has a freezer full of brains. Either Alves had a childhood that makes Sybil look like Little House on the Prairie or he should have figured out that he was trans a decade ago and transitioned into a beautiful linebacker like Caitlyn Jenner. Or he thought this lewk was his fast-track to fame. Whatever the case, this thing he settled on, ew. Here's what Alves he had to say with ribs in tow on UK talk show This Morning:
I had four ribs removed so I can do my blazers up without having to breathe in or have them altered. It is dangerous to internal organs. My ribs that were the 11th and 12th, they are the floating ribs there are not much use for them. I am the only man to have the procedure done. A few women have but they don’t talk about it.
He also claims to be done with plastic surgery, adding:
Well I am 34 years old, it has been a very long journey for me. I love the way I look. I love to stand out. Yes there is contentment in my soul. Plastic surgery has changed my life. From water to wine.
How do I finish this thing off. Um, EWWWWWWW.
Photo Credit: Instagram
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