bill-swift - July 11, 2012
The last six months have been the hottest since we've been recording temperatures. I'm sure you've noticed. Gold Bond must be running out of their stock in order to alleviate all of America's sweaty balls. The scientisty meteorologists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released their data and it's not cool, (Ha!). On average temperatures have been anywhere from 4-10 degrees warmer than usual. It's probably caused by global warming, a tilt in the Earth's axis, solar flares, or all the gas being emitted from people eating the Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. Chances are the temperatures are only going to continue to rise. We can all do our part by recycling and whatever, but ultimately we are at the mercy of forces beyond our control. So, when life gives you boiling hot lemons, you might as well make blistering cancer causing lemonade. Here are 5 things you can do to take advantage of the rising global temperatures.
Reheat Your Latte
A grande latte at Starbucks costs about $4.50, which is pretty steep for hot brown water. The problem with Starbucks is that they don't make their coffee hot enough because they are afraid that some moron is going to burn their mouth and sue. So, 10 minutes at the office and your latte is more frigid than a nun at a Justin Bieber concert. Just stick that bad boy on the window sill for thirty seconds and it will be piping hot. Also works with tea if you are some kind of Brit or a communist that prefers tea to coffee.
Save Money On Tanning
You don't want to cut down on your Gym-Tan-Laundry, but it's getting tough to save money for luxuries in this economy. Fret not my guidos and guidettes! With the increasing temperatures it should take no time at all to achieve that day-glo orange look. Ultraviolet radiation from the sun is hitting the Earth at an increased rate,, which means that a mere 7 minutes outside with no sunscreen is going to darken you like burned toast. Sure, you might get cancer someday, but think of all the "smush smush" you'll get before then, paisan!
Everyday Will Be Like The Fourth Of July
I live in New York City and in the past I would often have to dig my car out of the snow 4 or 5 times a year. Not anymore. If temperatures keep rising, it's not going to snow anymore. Every day of the year will be like midsummer. Imagine Thanksgiving in shorts, Yom Kippur at the beach, President's Day on water skis. We all love summertime because it reminds us of our childhood school vacation. So, it will be like that year round only with devastating droughts and water shortages.
Buy Stock In Coppertone And Trane Air Conditioners
If the temperatures do keep rising, we're going to have to change to survive. Unlike other creatures who have to depend on millions of years of evolution in order to adapt to our surroundings, we have technology! Just because the Earth may become inhospitable to life, doesn't mean you can't make some money. Trane or other AC manufacturing companies are already increasing production to meet the demand for air conditioning. Buy some stock and watch its value rise. Ditto with Coppertone or any of the other sunscreen companies. Don't you want to be in on the ground floor of SPF 5000?
Is there anything sexier in this world than a pretty woman in a sundress? I see girls walking around the streets of New York right now in simple cotton outfits that cling to their bodies in a thin layer of sweat. You show me a man that doesn't like that and I will show you a man who prefers having sex with other men. No longer will women have to suffer through wearing heavy clothes and coats for half the year. If we're all going to die anyway, we might as well go out looking good.