Horrifying Halloween Humor: The Definitive Reasons Why Vampires… Suck

Yes indeed. How's that for a red-hot bullet of awesome pun-nery to the eyeball? Suck -get this!- can also be interpreted to mean suck blood! Sometimes our wanton wordplay is so marvelous, it makes our ballsacks itch.

To segue deftly to the subject at hand, though: we conducted a recent (entirely fabricated) interview with the great Robert Pattinson. We inquired of the sparkly lady-boy/little bastard that got Voldemort's festering foot in his face in Harry Potter, so, your woman preferred that rough old bastard with the beard in her ladynest to you? That must've beena massive jackboot in your inexplicably shiny Twi-shite bollocks,was it not?

Except we didn't. Our query was more along the lines of why are vampires alwaysa bit shit?

The great man/frail pretty boy's expression turned most retrospective. He said he'd need time to think. So we came back next week, naturellement. Whereupon, as we waited tremulously for the pearls of wisdom he was indubitably preparing to unleash upon us, he proclaimed:


"I've got lady-ass in one hand. Anactual crotchin the back of my head. I can barely hear you over all the money I have."

Which wasn't, as we're sure you'll attest, overly conducive to answering our question. In the spirit of Halloween, then, we've done so ourselves; armed only with a great excess of drunken piss-taking. Hit the gallery to take a look.