Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Super Smash Bros.

Gallery Icon

bill-swift - December 18, 2013

If Nintendo are known for anything, it's their family friendly, happy funtimes leanings. When did you last see Mario go on a Grand Theft Auto V-style joyride through the Mushroom Kingdom, leaving Goomba blood smeared across the asphalt and flipping off the police as he goes? Never, that's when. So a big ol' ass-whupping simulator is probably beyond them. You'd think.

In 1999, though, Super Smash Bros. released on the N64. Here we learned that Link is totally not the charming little pixie gentleman we thought he was, and isn't above punching Ganondorf in the manplums to claim good's victory over evil. He also slept with Zelda and didn't call her for weeks afterwards, rumor has it. But that's another --completely fictitious-- story.

Anywho, Smash Bros is a fighting game made as only Nintendo knows how. To wit, it's really more of a crazy-ass party game. With fists on. It's like a fan's wet dream (depending how pervy they are), with some of the company's all-star cast assembling to do battle on stages taken from across their franchises.

As Frankie Goes to Hollywood famously sang, "When two green guys go to war..." Or something to that effect.

But these are not ‘battles' as you've seen them before. There's no dicking around with health bars, kicking opponents in the face until their stamina is depleted and they keel over with a manly death-shriek. Who has time for that sort of balls? Nope, this series introduced us to a different mechanic: the damage percentage. Taking hits will raise this, and leave your character more vulnerable to flying out of the screen like a mad mofo with their undercrackers on fire when struck. Doing so will lose or earn you a point, depending on whether you are launcher or launch-ee.

With four players going at it simultaneously in the small arenas, Smash Bros is quite a shitstorm. This is no technical fighter, for obsessive fans of frame data, combos, juggling and OTGs (whatever in holy hell they are). To this end, endless reams of items will be beamed onto the stage to pick up and use. These range from the classic Donkey Kong hammer to Bob-ombs and Green/Red Shells, all of which help to ramp up the chaos a little further.

Mario's fireballs will bounce about the place, Fox McCloud has his blaster, Link has his bow, little rat bastard Pikachu's also involved... from the special moves to the stages to the music, this was a wildly successful tribute to some of the biggest names in gaming. It spawned two expansive sequels in Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and the upcoming Wii U/3DS release is among the most anticipated titles of 2014.

Just keep ‘effing Pichu out of it. That little guy sucked ass.

Tagged in: game feature ,

Disclaimer: All rights reserved for writing and editorial content. No rights or credit claimed for any images featured on unless stated. If you own rights to any of the images because YOU ARE THE PHOTOGRAPHER and do not wish them to appear here, please contact us info(@) and they will be promptly removed. If you are a representative of the photographer, provide signed documentation in your query that you are acting on that individual's legal copyright holder status.