brian-mcgee - May 8, 2018
"All the sex appeal of lunchmeat left out in the rain." That just about sums it up, I think. Back when I used to review movies on the regular, I saw the first two installments of this trilogy, and I have no regrets in not seeing the third one because no one was paying me to be there. These films are awful, and not just because of its stilted dialogue, passionless love scenes, psychological manipulation, and ill-defined world.
Those are all problematic, but to me, the real crime is not showing anything at all. Women loved these books because they were filthy wish fulfillment, and these movies have none of that. All of the sex is bland, the BDSM scenes are laughably dull and improper, and the whole thing reeks of no one giving a shit because they know that people will show up to see them regardless.
These never should have played theatrically. They should have been hardcore movies sold online or on DVD—to really grab that target audience. Not this namby pamby, limp wristed, lily livered, watered down horseshit. Hell, the acting couldn't possibly get any worse with adult film stars. Seriously. You wanna make these movies, then MAKE THESE MOVIES!