Meet the Five Most Scrote-Shrivelingly Scary Spider Species

Have you ever hauled ass into the bathroom, summoned by a prolonged shriek of I'M BEING MURDERED IN THE FACE fright, for your objet d'lust to proclaim, "I saw a spider"? Yes. Yes you have. We'd wager our wangs, too, that said marauding arachnid was one of those piteous ‘money spiders,' perhaps half the size of a gnat's bollock. You may have responded derisively, as she cowers in a puddle of terror-piss and trembles like a drug addict, claiming that it's irrational to fear these diminutive little bastards.

Whereupon, she would propel the following righteous informational nugget into your face: arachnophobia is among the most common fears to be afflicted with (of course it is, didn't you see the eponymous movie? You can't even take a dump without one of these mofos biting you on the dick!). The most pertinent fact, though, is that spiders are renegade assholes from Lucifer's ballsack. All of them.

Even the most innocuous of them, after all, are ugly as a bulldog's balls. Isn't eight eyes atop eight legs a tad excessive? Someone's taking the piss right there. Once we elucidate upon the less-than-endearing personal habits of the Goliath bird eating spider, though, you'll see why even the manliest men among the Ego-readers should be afraid of these bitches.