TV & FILM
brian-mcgee - January 2, 2018
Fifty Shades Freed is the third and (god willing) final film in the Fifty Shades franchise, and the latest trailer shows you most, if not all, of the movie, so you can totally skip seeing it now. Ha ha j/k, we're all gonna go and see Dakota Johnson's bare breasts again, because why else would we go and see this thing? While many of you in this world have free will, many more have significant others that they don't want to upset, so those brave souls will go and snooze their way through this just to keep that relationship going. It's like a Paranormal Activity movie, lightly sleep while the characters are talking, wake up when the action starts.
There are a number of things worth talking about after seeing this trailer. Are they implying at the 1:17 mark that she's gonna pull a Clark Griswold and go under the logging truck to end that car chase? Man, I only hope something that stupid ends up in this movie. Lord knows it's not stopped them the first two times. Also, did you catch the rubbish remake of Sam & Dave's "Hold On, I'm Comin'"? Of course you did, because it was layered in with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the collarbone. Oh, and how about that ending? Spoiler alert: She's preggo, leading to all new fetishes for a fourth flick.
I just don't understand—and I suppose I'll never understand—why they don't just make these smutty movies? They were smutty books. Give these women what they want. Show his dong, show some insertion, spice it up, make it interesting. Have a pair of balls and show a pair of balls already. Fifty Shades Freed—whatever that's supposed to mean—opens on February 9.