Dispatches From The Apocalypse: Snooki’s Baby – The Jersey Devil

Snooki had her baby. "So what? Snooki crapped out an orange flesh turd," you might say. "Sooner or later all of that slutting around was going to leave a Guido troll in her god forsaken womb," is what you may be thinking. This is all true. Putting aside for a second that wolverines that occasionally eat their young will be better parents than her, there is a much more dangerous problem: The birth of Snooki's baby is a harbinger of the apocalypse. He is the true Jersey Devil.

Nostradamus, the legendary French seer, predicted the coming of Snooki's baby in the 16th century. In quatrain 69 he write, "And lo I see from a leathery womb, a child is born./ His name shall be Lorenzo, and he shall creep and smush the plains of Jersey/until he lays waste to the human race with his greasy seed, /For he is the Jersey devil, son of the whore of Marlboro,". In other words, Lorenzo will one day grow up  to bang a lot of chicks and get them knocked up. The result will the devolution of the human race and our eventual distinction. "Women of Jersey, hear me now! In 18 years make this dude double bag it!"