Condoms, Skinny Dipping, Porn Sites and… Sexy Vegetables: The Best of the Banned Super Bowl Commercials (VIDEO)

That was quite a game, gentlemen. Whether you're now striding about with dollar bills and mantacular animal magnetism protruding from your pockets like Hugh Hefner, or bet several years' rent and are forced to share a shit-stained alley with that wacky syphilitic funster Hobo Joe, several kinds of holy shit converged at the stadium yesterday.

Whether you won, lost or simply came for the wonderment of Beyonce's boobitude momentarily disrupting the electrical systems in the vicinity like a potent nipply forcefield (a sight which many of us across the country ‘came for' in an all-too-literal sense), you know this. The nation's anuses were clenched as the 49ers mounted their gallant comeback, only for Edgar Allan Poe's boys to finally prevail.

In summation, then: copious ballistic missiles full of pure tension to the gonads, a tit-ilating wardrobe malfunction from an acclaimed Texan songstress... what more could us dudely dudes ask for? (Well, victory, in some cases, but we shan't get pernickety there.) Super Bowl commercials depicting sex, amateur porn movies, skinny dipping, roasting actual goddamn hairy-assed kittens in ovens and other such chicanery, that's what.

CBS opted to righteously smite these prospective ads in the gonads with the shovel of ban-justice. Which, naturellement, ensured that they managed to accrue many more online views than they ever would otherwise. Amusingly, PornHub's commercial was rejected on grounds that 'CBS Television Network Standards do not permit advertising related to pornography.' (-thesportsbank.net) The spot in question consisted of two fully-clothed pensioners sitting their asses on a bench. Oh, the humanity! Won't somebody think of the children? Had it been two well-hung German porn stars with their immense bratwursts out playing hide the foreskin, we could understand the objection. Two innocuous old bastards? Less so.

Take a look at some more seemingly outrageous ad submissions below.

Durex: Protect Us All-




Bud Light: Apology-Bot 3000-

Snickers: Quick! Do Something Manly!-

PornHub: Oldies-

Bud Light: Skinny Dipping-

Rolling Rock: Baseball to the Balls-

Go Daddy: Lucky Nerd Make-Out-