Sam Robeson - October 3, 2018
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Celebrities want to deservedly reap the benefits of their successful careers as they simultaneously convince themselves that they haven't turned into delusional out-of-touch Goop monsters. Celebs who expound environmental protection charter gas-guzzling private jets. Celebs hitting the streets to abolish child trafficking try to steal little boys. (Though that might be an outlier.) And celebs who wax nostalgic about being shit broke build ostentatious multi-million dollar fortresses. They talk themselves in circles to avoid connecting the dots that they have indeed turned into Gwyneth Paltrow. The first sign is that you're suddenly fucking Harvey Weinstein in exchange for an Oscar. Then you're shoving a $15K vibrator up your twat.
The latest celeb to find a $15K vibrator up his pussy is Aussie screen legend Chris Hemsworth, who recently opened up to GQ Australia about how horrible being a millionaire (last year alone he made $31.5 million) is:
I feel gross about it. I remember saving up for a surfboard when I was younger. The surfboard was 600 bucks and I saved up for a whole year with Dad’s help. I didn’t even want to surf on it for fear of damaging it. It taught me so many lessons about appreciation and working hard for something.
I'lL tAkE sOmE oFf YoUr HaNdS. He then talks about the horrors his children will face now that they have access to money:
When I think about my kids, I don’t want them to miss that joy. Elsa and I talk a lot about how we instill that same appreciation and respect for things. I don’t want them to feel like they’re privileged in any way. The fact that we have money and their parents are famous, that somehow they’re special, that scares me because we grew up with no money.
This sentiment alone would be fine if Hemsworth and his family were bunked up in a sensibly-priced 1980's basement rancher with half-deflated Halloween decorations strewn about the lawn like the rest of us trash. But they're not. TMZ recently covered Hemsworth's sprawling $8 million compound currently under construction off Australia's coast. The fortress is completely out of sync with the surrounding neighborhood, and due to its prominent position, will ruin the beauty of the area for anyone in eyesight. Just embrace your wealth and delusion Chris. You have a $15K vibrator buried deep inside your taint. Enjoy the good vibrations. And shut the hell up.
Photo Credit: Chris Hemsworth's Spanish Model Wife Elsa Pataky from GQ Australia / Instagram