Chimps Gone Wild! Somebody Find Charlton Heston ASAP

Why do people refuse to learn? ABC News is reporting a chimp rampage that ended in a shootout outside of Las Vegas early yesterday morning. After the two primates escaped from their backyard pen due to some enhanced neural acuity from a nerve treatment they'd been receiving  human error, the Cornelius and Zira of the quiet neighborhood ran amok and police were eventually called in, later forced to fatally shoot one and tranquilize the other.

How many faces ripped off by monkeys, necks crushed by snakes and Las Vegas magicians used as an aperitif by their friendly(?) carnivorous white tiger does it take before everyone understands that keeping exotic pets is never a good idea. Wild animals are by definition of the very name...WILD. They don't want their belly rubbed or scratched behind their ear, they want to coil back on their hind legs and pounce on a fresh kill (i.e. your neighbor who came by to borrow a cup of sugar and left with their testicles in their front pocket and one of their eyes hanging down the side of their face like a Yo-Yo). A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, 'Can this animal potentially gnaw my face off in my sleep?' If the answer is a resounding YES then perhaps you should just buy your kid a gerbil for Christmas.