Sarah Hyland

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Okay, we've already kind of spoken our peace about the celebration of the musical arts b.s. that the American Music Awards and all music award shows claim to be. And, no, we're not music snobs, because half of this craptastic pop music we actually like, but when we listen to it, we know it's the Doritos chips equivalent of audio excellence. It's junk food for the ears. But when Uncle John is in town from Humboldt County, oh, how we crave that junk food.

In contrast, what we do take quite seriously is the bevy of beauties these award shows bring out; divas of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, origins, and auto-tuned pre-recorded levels that share one thing in common -- we want very badly to make the sexy with them backstage in a closet.

This year's American Music Awards awards for noteworthy excellence in the area of wood making included Selena Gomez, who really stole the show tonight, despite the omnipresence of her 90-lbs of goof tied to her arm, Katy Perry, who has now not shown us her boobs for four full years, Taylor Swift, who still always looks like she's trying to see into the Close Encounters alien ship when the doors open up and the aliens descend (but we still want to make many babies with her), Jennifer Lopez who put on a 40-something body show for the ages, Christina Aguilera, who has seen some hard times, but bonus points for bringing the cleavetastic, Jennifer Hudson and her new bodacious body, Albanian import Bleona Qereti who dropped some silly amounts of boobtastic, ever hot Vanessa Minillo, and non-singers Sarah Hyland and Audrina Patridge who just rev our engines in entirely different ways.

Not a bad showing, AMA's, at least in the area of the visual arts. Enjoy.