In case you were worried if Miranda Kerr would ever find a job again after Victoria’s Secret, um, yeah, worry no longer. That’s just crazy talk. Miranda has been triple booked since the day she cut ties with V.S., picking up modeling and endorsement deals for women’s apparel and accessories like I pick up so many debt collection notices from my mailbox each Tuesday. As in, a lot.
Miranda’s latest is her must-see commercial for Rebook. It might be Nike or Adidas actually, I can’t really pay attention to what she’s selling, just watching her coming home and stripping out of her clothes and into the shower. I think the commercial implies that her neighbors are peeking in her windows too, which makes this ad feel very real to me as I would do exactly that if I were her neighbor. I’d probably watch her unoccupied couch for at least four hours a day, just because she once sat on it. Being a pervert is somewhat time consuming, but it’s an affordable hobby. Enjoy.
Anybody who thought Miranda Kerr wasn’t going to get a million and one modeling gig offers the minute she parted ways with Victoria’s Secret clearly hasn’t been experiencing an erection lasting five years since first laying eyes upon her. She’s got the goods to sell the shizz out of underwear. Other things we don’t care about as much as well.
Wonderbra snapped up the bodily assets of Miranda Kerr to pimp their goose holders. They could not have made a wiser choice. The modestly bosomed Miranda instantly becomes a cleavetastic wonder thanks to the miracle of modern ladies support. I’m imagining their lovely descent once she removes the bra to remind me that it’s my half-birthday and she has a present for me. It could happen. Anything can happen on a half-birthday. Enjoy.
Vanity Fair knows how to throw a post-Oscars party. It’s sort of the big event everybody moves to after all the official business is done at the Academy Awards. Plus they throw in all the sextastic celebrities who didn’t quite get an official Oscar invite, the likes of Reese Witherspoon who took the occasion to show off an unusual, but definitely appreciate amount of bare boob with her daring dress.
Along with Reese, Sofia Vergara, Miranda Kerr, Olivia Munn, and Zooey Deschanel helped make this the most ultimate prom night you didn’t get invited to. Or I should say, I didn’t, so just like prom night. The ladies looked stunning. If only Reese had gotten Georgia-tipsy in that dress, we might’ve seen a malfunction for the ages. But, it’s Oscar night, so everybody was on sadly good behavior. Enjoy.
I know people make fun of me for my vast women’s magazine subscriptions. Go on, chuckle, just like the middle school skate gang that terrorizes me outside my own stoop when I go to retrieve my lady journals. But who has the last laugh when the very first Miley Cyrus topless pictures show up in W Magazine, along with Lara Stone topless, Miranda Kerr barely covered nekkid in the bed, and Cindy Crawford, well, damn. Oh, why not throw in Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley in a see-through bra, Vanessa Hudgens different looking hotness, Milla Jovovich stunning, Rita Ora biting on a bed sheet, and Ciara looking boudoir sextastic.
It’s only one of the finest magazine photo spreads ever. Certainly monumental, epic, and initiating the clarion call for a little private time viewing. Yep, who’s laughing now Mr. Postman, old neighbor lady, skate kids, and mom? You’ve had your fun belittling me through the years. I’ll take my topless wicked hot celebrity photos and my perfume samplers, thank you very much. Enjoy.
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I’m not sure what exactly Miranda Kerr was trying to promote in N.Y.C, I just kept staring at her stomach and wondering if reminding her that her ex-husband is now dating a French hottie would make her dig as deep as revenge sex with me. Truly, there’s no way she could hurt him worse unless he has a brother he no longer speaks to.
Now a more than eligible bachelorette, Miranda Kerr has the uncanny ability to make her sweet little knockers point toward magnetic North without so much as a hand adjustment. They are certainly the compass by which I measure my own happiness. Oh, to see how far up her tummy that tautness goes. I would endure many indignities to venture that particular path. Enjoy.
Talk about your golden globes, Sofia Vergara has them right here. Sofia easily could have been named the hottie d’jour on the red carpet of the 2014 Golden Globes last night. What she did at the after-party was simply make it a no doubter. Albeit, the lovely likes of Miranda Kerr, Taylor Swift, and a cleavetastic Vanessa Hudgens made a play for the gold medal, nobody was able to keep abreast, as it were, with Sofia and her low cut shiny gown.
At next year’s Golden Globes, I hope Sofia sits at my table. I mean, the table I’m assigned to pour water and refill wine glasses. I’m quite certain I would be pouring from her right, even as my left was wandering. Just so damn hot! Enjoy.