Mallory Hagan

Mallory Hagan, Here She Comes, Miss America

Honestly, I didn’t even know the Miss America pageant was still going on, I kind of think it got put on hiatus, but it’s back, and with a blonde vengeance, as Miss New York, though an Alabama native, Mallory Hagan dropped an All-American level of heat for the historical pageant, bikinis, gowns, talent, crying, running mascara, the whole nine yards of the beauty pageant world. Even the vaseline on her teeth got kind of choked up as the crown was placed upon her head.

Now, you know we’re not big fans of the pageant world here. It starts with Honey Boo Boo and ends with a girl named Doreen at 38 in an airport bar mumbling about how she used to be Ms. Norman, Oklahoma, but, in this specific instance, checking out the full, stacked, new representative of wholesome beauty, well, Mallory, we’d crown you as well. Enjoy.