Sour grapes from us being banned from the MTV Movie Awards this year? Eh, maybe. But that show, that network, has really sunk to the bottom of the bowl like a turd trying to be first in line to hit the expressway home to the sewer line, which leads to a bunch of rehabbing inane drunkards checking into the Jersey Shore house for the sixth time on the East Coast while a bunch of mostly no-named, faceless rubes were paraded down the MTV red carpet last night and we were told they were fun and interesting and exciting people. Yeah, not so much.
However, MTV being owned by a much larger parent corporation, and still being a churning marketing machine to a teen audience of future postal workers, the studios did gear up some of their A-listers currently in theaters to pimp their wares at the award show, which led to the tremendous silver lining of the hotness likes of Charlize Theron and Kristen Stewart and Emma Watson and Jenna Dewan and Shailene Woodley and Victoria Justice and Ciara (who we did mostly include because of her sweet boobtastic show). And while the smiles were fake and the words polished, the hot bodies were still very much worth ogling. Enjoy.
Thank whatever higher power you believe in that we’ve reached the end of this week. What a mother-bleeping turn of the screw this one was what with the holiday weekend and having to be in court to battle charges of… well, nevermind, that’s kind of personal. The point is, what of my personal soothing balms is the application of celebrity flesh, the pot of stone sextastic soup assembled by all of you, for all of us, to come together as on. Yep, Reader Finds.
This week’s Reader Finds includes Charlize Theron topless in her classic bunny shoot, Candice Swanepoel flashing her tube tops in another classic magazine pictorial, Brooke Hogan covered topless, Lucy Pinder deliciously topless, Kristen Stewart topless in On The Road and some sweet sideboob from the Cosmopolis movie premiere, Ali Larter nipple pokes, Virgina Efira covered topless, Ricki-Lee Coulter covered topless, Russian pole-vaulter Darya Klishina, and three super curvy girls deliciously nekkid in Vogue France. Enjoy.
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Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron are kind of turning me on in a fairytale kind of way.
All this lead-up to Snow White and the Huntsman, all these promo photos and publicity tours and red carpet events and Kristen and Charlize decked out and showing cleavage and legs, and sweet looking action-adventure in the trailers. I’m kind of overhyped at the moment. I need a cinematic sextastic cold shower.
Then, along comes Interview magazine with a gothy take on the dynamic duo and it starts all over again. Dark and brooding hotties is not for everyone, but it so sends a chill up my spine, I’m guessing I’m in the ‘for me’ category. Enjoy.
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As we said, Cannes heated up a couple Kelvin degrees this weekend, with the sextastic celebrities making one last ditch effort to make their most memorable red carpet moment, and no slouching it were Kristen Stewart and Natasha Poly, neither of whom are blessed with the buxom bouncies, but both made the most of it at the premiere of Cosmopolis in Cannes.
Now, you might give the advantage to supermodel and Pirelli calendar veteran, Natasha Poly, the girl knows how to wear a revealing dress alright. But I’m giving bonus points to Kristen Stewart just for getting out of her hipster used-clothing threads and ditching her middle finger for one night to get super-decked out and amazing looking. I know, I have a weak spot for the angst-ridden thespianic with the perma-grimace, but I just can’t help loving girls who can’t love themselves.
I was the first kid in my elementary school class to publicly drop an F-bomb, in second grade, and it made me kind of bad-ass around the playground for some period of time, especially after word got out about the legendary ass-whooping I took from my old man after the principal squealed on me to my folks. But as outlaw as I became on the K-3 cordoned off section of the playground, my rep paled in comparison to Elliott Thwacker and his Thwacker Bird.
Man, he used to whip that middle finger out and fire it off like a laser-guided missile of hostility toward all who dared cross his path. It was said that a recipient of the Thwacker Bird could possibly lose an eye, or his balls would fall of in his sleep that evening. Thwacker was that powerful with his single digital assault weapon. But that was second grade, by third grade, meh, not so many people cared any more, and by the first day of 4th grade Thwacker fired off his bird at a new kid in school who just laughed at him then punched Thwacker square in the nose so hard the birdman bled out of both nostrils in offsetting spurts, like the water show out front of the Bellagio. Flipping the bird was dead right there on the playground. We were nine.
Kristen Stewart is 22. What the hell are you doing woman? Can grownups really flip the bird and come off looking anything but idiotic? Grandpa can yell at the kids to get off his lawn, and everyone kind of calls him a grumpy old man, but they do it, but what about if the octogenarian fires off a double-bird-flip to the grade schoolers invaded his grassy front yard?
Wealthy, grown up, powerful celebrities don’t need the bird. They have publicists and attorneys and private security and eco-friendly private jets that presumably are powered by futuristic magnets. So, Kristen, please, you can be filled with all the angst your petite body can hold, let the rage pour out of you like a suburban girl whose parents just cut-up her Forever 21 credit card, but cut it out already with that middle finger.
I’m already pretty tired of Hollywood’s re-tread of fairy tales into re-imagined modern day blockbuster films, and this is before even Jack and the Beanstalk and a hogwash of others come out in the next couple of months and summers. And after being forced to see Mirror Mirror, the campy Snow White adaptation that saw me trying to transform my popcorn container into a useable shank to bust my way out of the theater twenty minutes into that ball-shriveling fest of a film, well, yet another Snow White flick just had me completely indifferent.
But, I must say, Snow White and The Huntsman looks pretty damn good. Not what I expected, a bit of decent fabled action adventure fare topped off with two dollops of hotness in the form of Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron that at least on paper, and previews, looks to be a battling hottie fest of watchability. We shall see the results day of, but, check out these sweet looking still captures from the final cut of the film and check out how hot the dynamic sextastic duo appeared on the red carpet of the London premiere of the film last night: