Kristen Stewart

Somebody Call in Rupert’s Calming Tongue! Kristen Stewart Is Stinking Angry Again

Kristen Stewart made quite an exit from Toronto over the weekend.

No doubt pissed off from all the lingering questions about her cunning linguist seshes with Snow White director Rupert Sanders, Kristen Stewart couldn't wait to get the eff out of Canada (hey, that we can relate to), so much so she donned her old flame Robert Pattinson's grungy Orioles baseball cap and shouted at her own bodyguard 'don't fucking touch me' as he tried to escort her through the swarms of paparazzi waiting for Kristen at the airport.

Now, I'm no Dr. Phil, but I think this young lady is having some closure issues with the relationships in her life. The kind of closure issues that will ultimately lead her to probably punch a reporter in the shnozz at some point soon. That will make us giggle. Enjoy.

12 Pictures of Kristen Stewart Where She Might Be Receiving Oral Pleasure from Rupert Sanders

Is this a stretch? It's a total stretch, especially given that we can actually see director and cavorting cunnulinguist Rupert Sanders in several of these pictures, but these are photos where we imagine from the look on her face that Kristen Stewart might be in the midst of an oil change on her chassis.

Wives of the world, look out, if you see this look on Kristen's face, go ask your husband why he keeps fine-tuning his choppers with a toothpick. Enjoy.

Kristen Stewart Isn’t an Immortal Romantic, She Killed True Love For Everyone!

Kristen Stewart's infidelity means only one thing: true love is dead. Yup, we're calling it folks. The concept that love is a real, lasting, and eternal thing is no more. True love has been on life support for a while, but now horse-faced Kristen Stewart pulled the plug. You may love your girlfriend or spouse now, but sooner or later she is just going to cheat on you with a middle aged director. Poor Robert Pattinson can't even get out of bed to spends hours gelling his hair to make it look like he never got out of bed.

Kristen Stewart and Twilight once made girls, unsatisfied middle-aged women, and pasty teen boy fetishists everywhere think that it was possible to meet your soul mate. Sure, they may be a whiny emo supernatural creature who constantly puts your life in danger. Yes, they may act like creepy stalkers that sneak into your room and watch you sleep, but the love was real! It doesn't matter if you have a terminal case of man jaw and a constantly bored expression on your flat face, they love you anyway. Now we all know it was all just a lie. "Inconstancy, thy name is Stewart!" If love isn't real, then what's the point of living? We might as well all just become hedonists that sleep with whatever vampire, werewolf, or shape shifter comes our way. In other words: Twilight is dead, long live True Blood!

Liberty Ross Topless Hotness Defeated by Kristen Stewart’s Very Angry Vagina

 

Okay, let me be the first to say, even in my wildest 'I married a supermodel' fantasies, I'm grounded enough to know that after the honeymoon of seeing my own sweaty slobby self in the mirror knocking the stuffing out of a real life world class hottie, well, there's a solid chance there's going to be a lifetime of painful model-wife times dead ahead. Not saying the old song about marrying an ugly girl and being blindly blissful sounds all that great, but finding yourself til-death-do-you-part with a woman who's been spoiled rotten her whole life to look hot and stare blankly into space, I can see that coming back to haunt you, and those sweaty times in the mirror becoming further and further apart.

None of this is to excuse the cad-like behavior of Rupert Sanders, the director of Snow White and The Huntsman and the married diver in the Kristen Stewart muff diving in flagrante. But who knows the true power of K-Stew's very angry vagina; it holds sway over men like nobody's business. It seems to be powerful enough to turn Robert Pattinson straight; that's some might sorcery there.

All I'm saying is, just because you're married to a super hot chick like Liberty Ross doesn't mean you have the power to resist beaver bombing your favorite starlet if she's stems akimbo in the front seat of your automobile and whimpering like a cat on a hot tin roof. The rules of nature always trump the rules of man.

Kristen Stewart Apologizes For Banging Her Director Behind Robert Pattinson’s Back

(Photo credit: Us Magazine)

What is this world coming too?

When you can't even trust angry emo lady thespianics to be faithful to you while away filming for a couple months. Poor sod Robert Pattinson had to be cuckolded via various Internet outlets as news breaks that his very serious love o' life girlfriend Kristen Stewart now admits to boot knocking secretly with the married director dude from Snow White and The Huntsman.

"This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

- Kristen Stewart

For the entire breaking shoddy tale of Kristen's sexual indiscretions, check out TMZ.com

Kristen Stewart Topless in ‘On The Road’ (A Better Second Look)

 

(Thanks to EgoReader 'John J.' for a clearer look at the finally exposed boobtastic of gruff and grim but ever hot thespianic, Kristen Stewart in On the Road. An upgrade to our previous posting.)

While Kristen has made promises of skin-showing in her past films, she never really came through until this fine piece of cinematic skinematic work, flashing her double twilights bare and beautiful in a scene where she uses both her hands much to the delight of the men seated in the car to her either side.

It's kind of like a dream come true, except for the second dude, he's got to go. Enjoy.

Sara Jean Underwood and Mila Kunis Highlight the Hotness at the Opening of Comic-Con 2012

Well, the faptastic fantastic fanfest known as Comic-Con is well underway in San Diego, and all we can think is that if priest-explorer Father Junipero Serra had encountered this stanky swarm of geeks on his trek up from Mexico and along the coast, well, we'd probably have fewer Spanish style missions today in California and far more Pizza Huts.

Nevertheless, with super geeks comes super fanboy money, and with that comes Hollywood sending its best and brightest, err, best and hottest down to San Diego to pimp the shizz out of their latest projects.

Today's sextastics in attendance at the convention included our fave Sara Jean Underwood in cosplay gear, Lyndsy Fonseca sweet goodness, the hot Mila Kunis pimping Oz, the Asian delight Maggie Q, and Kristin Kreuk and Kristen Stewart in a battle of chicks who almost spell their name the same. Quite a way to jumpstar the convention.

P.S. Don't touch anything with your bare hands at the convention. Trust me.