Jordan Carver

Jordan Carver Playing Tennis (Is That a Threesome?)

Editors note: some or all of the images in this post have been removed at request of JCM.

Call it 34H to Love score wise, because the moment we saw Jordan Carver playing tennis, well, our fuzzy balls got to bouncing.

Our very favorite double slice of Bavarian tennis took the bold move of engaging in a sport that requires sudden bursts or speed, agile shifts and turns, and downright jiggle-generating twists that when combined with her low cut top (and I suppose all tops are low-cut on Jordan Carver just be sheer force of gravity), created a sports spectacle somewhere between The Olympics and the legendary 23-hour Beerpong match that took place in my friend Vinny Vinnucci’s basement one summer’s day not too many years ago. Right dab in the middle of that spectrum I’d say.

There’s really nothing Jordan Carver can do that is not ridiculously hot to watch. But tennis? This is just downright genius. Enjoy.

Jordan Carver Unleashes Her Barely Covered Beasts in Zoo Magazine

To say we want to dive into Jordan Carver and her billowy H-cups of love and take a dirty long nap is perhaps an understatement, it’s also rather crude, as Jordan is no doubt all lady and deserving of being treated properly. And, proper treatment in our book would call for an all over sponge bathing of the German model prior to said diving.

Jordan presents her ponderous pears in this month’s Zoo magazine, wherein the Bavarian bombshell provides readers as well with some solid advice for dealing with big chested ladies in the bedroom, pearls such as ‘do not try to pretend that massive boobs are the most normal thing in the world’ and most important of all, ‘just because she’s well-endowed, don’t assume you’re going to get Spanish sex’. Words to live by indeed. And some fine pictures to ogle by. Sehr gut.

Jordan Carver And Her Titanic Twosome Put the Mmmm in Modern Dance

Editors note: some or all of the images in this post have been removed at request of JCM.

Don’t think we’d forget today was humpday, the magical middle of the workweek when only a fine set of knockers will liberate your inner soul.

While not baring her bounty fully, as it her teasy want, Jordan Carver and her amazingly awesome funbags still manage to captivate the gentleman ogler audience while sort of kind of dressed. And stretching for dance class, well, that is just downright genius. I want to kiss the photographer, you know, right after kissing Jordan on the place where Mother Nature has provided for nourishment. Yes, I do need help. Enjoy.

Jordan Carver Eats Sausage, ‘Nuff Said

Jordan Carver can’t not be sexy; everything she does is pretty damn hot. But when she starts scarfing down a large sausage, well, the libido levels are going to hit mission critical.

Ever since the boobtastic wonder moved to Los Angeles, I’ve been dying to have an accidental run in with her mountains of mammarial mmmm, who knew that she’d be at the brau suckling on a brat? I guess you can’t take the German out of the German girl after all. Enjoy.

Jordan Carver Bikini Pictures Can’t Stop Looking Ridiculously Hot

Editors note: some or all of the images in this post have been removed at request of JCM.

Sometimes I start leering into the fabulous funbags of Jordan Carver and the next thing I notice is that the clock on the wall has advanced four hours and my neck hurts something awful. It’s the strangest phenomenon. There’s something magical about those full-sized flesh puppies of hers, some mystical and alluring Siren call built within, to crash men’s libidos upon the rocky shores of reality, but not before a solid bit of imagination fun time.

In her recent Moroccan themed green bikini pictures, Jordan Carver once again manages to cover her ginormous melons with just her bitty hands, an incredibly dexterous feat that I would applaud, were it not for the net effect of covering up her full jugtaculars. Still, just a whole lot of awesome. Enjoy.

Jordan Carver In a Pillow Fight. Not Sure Why. But We’re Sure We Love It.

Here’s what we know.

Bodacious boobtastic model Jordan Carver was in Vegas for her birthday and decided to have a pillow fight with Sin City model, Destiny Danger.

That’s all we know. And with the words ‘Jordan Carver’ and ‘pillow fight’, you don’t really ask follow up questions, you just smile, drool, and mouth the words, “May I have some more warm milk please, Mother?’ Enjoy.

Jordan Carver and Her Twin Moons Enter Our Planetary Orbit

I knew I felt some type of disturbance in The Force last evening, a gravitational pull upon me staff that could only be explained by the presence of not one, but two new moons in local orbit around the Egotastic! offices, and, indeed, my suspicions were confirmed upon seeing Jordan Carver dining out in Hollywood last evening, her two stellar orbs on bright red cleavetastic display outside Maestro’s steakhouse. A juicy bit of red meat indeed.

It’s not that I want to stare like a catatonic drooling fool at Jordan’s amazingly well-rounded foreground funbags, it’s just that it’s impossible not to. They’re blessed beasts of nature that demand optical attention. Those State Fair blue ribbon melons have caused many a man to suffer horrific kinks in his neck, let alone the kinks in other places. They ought to be registered as lethal weapons; and I’d like to handle the registration process. Oh, dear Jordan, now that you’re in town, won’t you please please unleash those grandiose puppies. Enjoy.