Jessica Alba

‘Machete Kills’ Looks Like It Was Made by a 12-Year-Old Boy (VIDEO)

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Racial stereotypes, booby darts, and cock guns: These are just a few of the reasons Machete Kills looks like it was made by a bored middle schooler. But is that such a bad thing? After all, if you're reading Egotastic, you're probably in touch with your inner twelve-year-old. And like me, you'll probably enjoy wallowing in Robert Rodriguez's crapulence.*

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Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Stacy Keibler Lead List of Hotties in Leather at New York Fashion Week

Somebody very wise once told me, in every pile of poop there is a nugget of gold. It took me a lot of really messy ventures before I realized this was just a metaphor for finding the silver lining in cloud, which, is also a metaphor I never really understood. But I applied it to New York Fashion Week, a multi-day celebration of people spending tons of money to cover up women's bodies. At least, that's how I see fashion. And it could be quite depressing that so many billions of dollars go into making it harder for us to see the true beauty of the fine female form, were it not for the fact that so many fine females actually attend events like New York Fashion Week.

And I couldn't help but notice this weekend, so many of them were in leather. Now, chaps and spankings fantasies aside, there's no denying seeing super hotties like AnnaSophia Robb, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Stacy Keibler in leather goods makes me feel like a very horny cowboy. I was going to say happy cowboy, but you'd know I just meant horny. So, check out these gold nuggets of hot tanned cow skin. It almost makes Fashion Week worthwhile.

Jessica Alba Bikini Mama Purple Hotness in Malibu

Oh, happy days when our heavily belusted and highly MILFtastic Jessica Alba takes her family to the beach for the Labor Day holiday and decides to don her little purple bikini. Of course, she had to wear the hat and the little mom cover up just to make our ogling job a little bit harder.

But, make no mistake, when views of Jessica Alba's bikini body are to be had, we will work even harder than we do trying to get the beer chilled super fast before the ball game because somebody forgot the ice. It's a labor of love on this Labor Day, mentally undressing Jessica Alba. The holiest of activities on a holiday. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba is an A-Plus of Hotness in C Magazine

I've come to the shocking conclusion that Jessica Alba is one super sextastic woman who I would like to give the gift of babies numbers 3-17 with over the next ten years time. Yes, we'd need to make some multiples, but I understand there are specific positioning cushions you can use to help those chances.

Featured in this month's C magazine, Jessica doesn't get particularly nekkid or naughty, just goes for the old-fashioned ladies magazine, 'Hey, check me out, I'm really damn hot and you know it.' Yes, Jessica, yes, you are. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba Can’t Not Be Hot, It’s Simply Impossible

Nobody more excited than I when the French edition of Glamour magazine hits my doorstep, a little sneering delivery boy on his moped motoring off to his next destination. It can be hit or miss as to the content, especially if your French isn't so good, but the August edition, ooh la la.

Jessica Alba simply can't not be hot. I'm not exactly sure when this picture set was taken, before the last baby or after, but there's no doubt that Jessica is one of the hottest ladies on this here planet. Jessica Alba in a half shirt with a skateboard? Are you kidding me? Every single dream I ever had as a fifteen year old boy just came flooding back into my brain. It's like an X-rated soup. Jessica doth inspire so. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba Licking Ice Cream With Smooshed Boobs in the Big Apple

Wow, that title sounds like something I'd like to order up on a futuristic virtual reality offering in my hotel room someday. But, true to form, with the start of summer, uber-sextastic Jessica Alba proceeded to delightfully lick an ice cream cone whilst promenading in New York. To add a little extra to the scene, Jessica wore a dress top that smooshed her boobs into forms I can only describe as what I would imagine they would look like if I had larger hands and permission.

If you had any doubt that summer truly is the most sextastic season, just see how it's kicking off. Alba tongue and smooshed boobs. Now that's a season I can get behind. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba and Katherine Webb Form a Dynamic Cleavetastic Duo at Spike Guys Choice Awards

My friend Calvin Dictamotta summed it up for all of us early in 7th grade when he declared that you knew a girl was attractive if you wanted to see her nekkid. While that seemed to be enough for most of the pack, that left me with a definition of 'attractive' that encompassed nearly the entire female world. Not that I didn't have some preferences, but nary a woman walks by and I don't think, I'd really like to see her nekkid. Calvin's pronouncement proved useless. Though it is certainly on my mind today seeing Jessica Alba and Katherine Webb at the Spike Guy's Choice Awards over the weekend.

While there are a decent bunch of celebrity hotties at the event, the uber-sextastic Jessica Alba and the fresh-body on the scene Katherine Webb, both looked ridiculously hot, flashing cleavage, and capturing the attention of every living human being with functioning gonads at the event. Did I want to see them nekkid? Oh, yes, believe I did. Ergo, these are two attractive ladies. Enjoy.