Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba Is the Sextastic Shape of Halloween

She may desperately try to look like every other mom in the pumpkin patch, but there's no covering up the uber-sextastic. Sorry Jessica Alba. You're simply not like every other mom.

When you go to pick out pumpkins, people are going to notice. Gourds are going to swell. When you pull your little wagon behind you, some of us can't help but imagine you are towing us back to your place for a forced mating session because you desire seventeen more babies. This is the dream. As prurient and as wrong as it is to have about the family friendly pumpkin patch. Jessica Alba, you are the Halloween trick and the treat. Pick me, please. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba Flashing Sexy Legs in Far Too Proper West East Magazine

Yeah, I know, far too proper for Jessica Alba. So, shoot me (I mean, not really, just metaphorically, and even that kind of hurts), but I am still feeling tingly from seeing the uber-MILFtastic model and actress styled and decked out for her spread in West East magazine.

Yes, I know it's for ladies and the fashionable set to ooh and ahh over the artistic majesty, but I can't help but imagine picking Jessica Alba up, then telling her she might be a big overdressed for our dinner date at In & Out Burger, her becoming upset, but ultimately we console each other with a make-up makeout session in the back of my Corolla. A good chess player and a good Egotastic man need to be thinking several steps ahead. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba Cleavetastic Dazzle for the Power of Women

There were a bunch of sextastic power ladies at the Power of Women event in Hollywood over the weekend. You had your Charlize Theron and Nicole Kidman and other A-list women raking in the big screen bucks and awards. But none of them quite understood the whole Power of Woman thing quite like Jessica Alba, who came decked out in a low cut, tan-chest revealing dress for the red carpet, making all men within ogling distance turn to complete mush.

It's not that power to make men weak is the source of female power, but it does happen to be one of the primary conduits. Let's face it, a woman who can make men beg for a peak of her chesty goodness is a woman who commands a legion of mindless followers, of which for Jessica Alba, I'm proud to call myself a member of the rank and file. Sure, Jessica has a savvy business head and apparently admirable parenting skills, but her racktastic, well, that has the power to extend her rule well past environmentally sound products for new moms. The power of the sextastic is limitless. Enjoy.


Alexa Vega, Jessica Alba, and Eva Longoria Highlight the Latina Hotties at the Alma Awards

Well, once again this year I was not invited to the National Council on La Raza Alma Awards, despite being one of the biggest lusters of lovely Latina ladies for many years now. What's a guy got to do to these hottie Hispanics in his mind to get a ticket to this shindig?

Lots of awards were giving out by celebrities to other celebrities to celebrate just how awesome each of them were in this past year. Next year they will trade positions and give awards back to their awarders for being double super awesome. So just like every other Hollywood award ceremony. Only this one was packed with sextastic Latinas like Alexa Vega, Jessica Alba, Adrienne Bailon, Eva Longoria, and Dania Ramirez. So, better than other ceremonies for the most part. And even though I didn't win an award for lusting sultry Spanish ladies, I'm still feeing rather lucky here this morning just watching. I like to watch. Enjoy

Maria Menounos and Jessica Alba Together For Visions of the Perfect Sextastic Sandwich

Talk about laying out the two better parts of my dream ménage à trois. Uber-sextastic Jessica Alba came to the set of Extra to hang out with Grecian goddess Maria Menounos, and while I know the two of them were silly gabbing over some promotional merchandising effort, I don't need to hear anything to know that I've just seen my destiny.

Oh, to arrive back in my 900-sq. ft. mini-mansion to find these two lovely ladies jumping out to gang tackle me in a lively game of unhide the sausage. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but on this one, I know I'm not the only one. Jessica Alba and Maria Menounus bumping rear ends against my very soul, that's my vision of heaven. Enjoy.

‘Machete Kills’ Looks Like It Was Made by a 12-Year-Old Boy (VIDEO)

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Racial stereotypes, booby darts, and cock guns: These are just a few of the reasons Machete Kills looks like it was made by a bored middle schooler. But is that such a bad thing? After all, if you're reading Egotastic, you're probably in touch with your inner twelve-year-old. And like me, you'll probably enjoy wallowing in Robert Rodriguez's crapulence.*

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Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Stacy Keibler Lead List of Hotties in Leather at New York Fashion Week

Somebody very wise once told me, in every pile of poop there is a nugget of gold. It took me a lot of really messy ventures before I realized this was just a metaphor for finding the silver lining in cloud, which, is also a metaphor I never really understood. But I applied it to New York Fashion Week, a multi-day celebration of people spending tons of money to cover up women's bodies. At least, that's how I see fashion. And it could be quite depressing that so many billions of dollars go into making it harder for us to see the true beauty of the fine female form, were it not for the fact that so many fine females actually attend events like New York Fashion Week.

And I couldn't help but notice this weekend, so many of them were in leather. Now, chaps and spankings fantasies aside, there's no denying seeing super hotties like AnnaSophia Robb, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Stacy Keibler in leather goods makes me feel like a very horny cowboy. I was going to say happy cowboy, but you'd know I just meant horny. So, check out these gold nuggets of hot tanned cow skin. It almost makes Fashion Week worthwhile.